Thursday, 27 July 2017

Poetry for a Grumpy Old Man and his Dragon



A rather odd and grumpy old man

Who came from Mesopotamia

 Owns a large pink dragon

Which he bought

In a market in Transylvania

They both juggle crows

Talk to fish

And have been known to swim,
while breathing Fire

Which they will do at children’s parties

As they are available for Hire

And it is said

When the fennel moon

Is seen in the Sky

Its streaky bacon light

Glinting on the river passing by

That they sing

And laugh

And tell forgotten stories from the ancient Past

But if you ever hear one

Be warned

 It will probably be

Your Last.

Saturday, 15 July 2017

Poetry with beasts and a wizard




A flim flam
And a falafel
Where sitting on a Post
The flim flam looking bemused 
As it ate some thickly sliced hot Toast
You appear to have lost something
The flim flam inquisitively Said
I have . . . 
 I have lost a beautiful Rudy said the falafel
And it’s very very Red
The flim flam smiled 
As it looked out upon the Sunny Day
And said
Is that it glinting discreetly? 
Down there among the Hay
But as they watched 
A wizard picked it up
And held it in his hand
He however noticed 
The narrowing eyes of the flim flam
Looking directly at his Face
I suggest you give that back to its owner
As not too would be a positive Disgrace 
But the wizard laughed and said  . . . .  Or what
As wizards tend to Do
But the flim flam ate him
And on the wizard the flim flam, it did Chew
Until there was nothing left but a very red Ruby
Which it happily returned to the falafel

Because that’s what Flim Flams Do

Thursday, 11 May 2017

Hello I am almost back but not quite

 O Yes it is true I am almost back but not quite, you see I along with a friend who is a trusted builder have destroyed the bathroom in my house. I have to say it was planned we did not just say. . . . Hey lets trash the bathroom. . . . And then remove an entire wall, all the tiles off two other walls, the floor and part of the ceiling, leaving an empty shell.  It is the final-ish part of what has been a long term master plan to update the house and after the bathroom has been done there will be no major work left to do just decor to make everything look interesting. My wife and I do not believe in the white wall and minimal content we like colour and I like stuff and lots of it. Although having said that I like nice stuff, you know Indian gods made of ceramics, mummified  ancient chinese fabled flying dragons. and little things that no is quite sure what they do.

This work has meant  Shed of the Year 2099, my own little personal project has come to a halt again for a few days. It has been inspected by my friend and building advisor who has said it is looking good but making twiddly bits can be a bit of a pain. . . I entirely agree and I have to admit he did say not to do it, but it is in my DNA I just have to add towers and little stained glass windows and curves and other architectural texture so that the shed is not just a shed. 

A bit of detail from Shed of the year 2099



Here in Britain we have a TV show called Shed of the Year and the plan is to enter the finished shed, but I have well and truly missed this year's final entry date. The good is that by next year this shed will look awesome, although I will admit that may be a biased opinion.

Well thats it I will go now but you now know what I am up too and I will be back soon to blog on a more regular basis . . . But not quite yet.     

Wednesday, 3 May 2017

The A to Z Reflections Post of 2017

So here we are again the end of another A to Z  . . . . . I do like a good A to Z. Sadly I had to cheat slightly because of my own ongoing project which is now almost water tight. Once it is I will chill a bit, but the thing with all projects based on your own efforts is you need to keep going or it will slow up or even stop entirely. Interestingly this is also entirely true of Blogging in general and the A to Z too. You see if you miss a post or miss a letter then it is always slightly easier to leave it another day or two and before you know it three years have passed or you find that pesky A to Z finished last week. Just as you were about to write a really great post for the letter F all about The Florentines Frog and its ability to Fly in Frozen Fog . . .

But Hey I made it even if at times it all got a little quirky. Which bearing in mind my blog is a little odd anyway may have confused the odd passing blogger as they walked those twisting corridors of the Alphabet curious as to what other folk were up to.





Now next year it will all be different, well I say that but I suspect next year will creep up on me like some sort of silent creeping beast that can move very fast.  Then I will panic and wave my arms about, probably write something mad again and so the cycle continues. But if I start then I will finish as I am a stubborn chap and do not give up without a fight. . . . Unless I am paid loads of money to do so . . . (hint hint).

It was a quiet A to Z for me as it usually is but I know why I just don’t get to enough other blogs to comment. If you want visitors there are two critical issues in blogging and I have been blogging long enough to know what I am talking about. The first is you need to post at least 2-3 new posts every week (and not so long folk don’t have time to read them) and secondly you need to visit and comment on a lot of other blogs and on a regular basis.  At present I do neither although I did post every day for a long time. OK you will never get all those other things done but your blog will be successful. It is all about priorities and right now mine is a large wooden thing in the garden.

OK I am digressing and that is all I am saying on the subject of the A to Z until next year when it might even be possible I might or might not do it again.  . . . OK I probably will I said I’m stubborn. . .

Saturday, 29 April 2017

Why I never finished the A to Z


Well it is completely terrible as I have not reached the End of the A to Z. OK I was sort of muddling along using old posts to weave a wavy route towards the end; and had even go as far as Y, but then it all went completely wrong and those last few letters needed to reach the Letter Z all just fell into the great void of nothingness.  I know you have been waiting for weeks wondering what the hell I have been doing and would I ever manage to complete a task I have completed many times before. All waiting for my final crescendo as Z loom's from out of the mist to finally make sense of all those other letters. The letters that without Z seem to be total gibberish. But well I have failed




 So there you have it Yes I got to Y but why I did not get past Y and get the last five or Six letters done is something I will never be able to explain . . . I might be able to blame it on Zombies, a Zebra and a plague of Zoraptera nibbling the woodwork of my brain . . . . . . Pesky Critters. I am sure that people will understand and will accept my apology for this failure I will do better next year . . maybe . . . . . sort of . . . . . . . A bit?........... 



Friday, 28 April 2017

Poetry For The Yellow Dragon

Well here we are at Y and so I have decided to repeat last year's little poem about the all seeing Yellow Dragon




Y
The Young and adventurous Mr Yamamoto
Set sail in a boat made from a cherry tree
To find the Yellow Dragon
In the famed waters of the Yellow Sea
He sailed for weeks and weeks
Through Storms and calm and swell
Until he arrived at the fabled island (伝説的な   )
The land were the Yellow Dragon is said to dwell
He battled through the forest
And up mountains that stretched up into the sky
Watched with curiosity the whole time
By the Yellow Dragons all seeing eye
Eventually they came face to face
And the Yellow Dragon
Asked him Why
He had travelled so many miles
When everyone had told him he would surely die
The Young adventurous Mr Yamamoto
Bowed at the wonderment of the great Yellow beast
And said he had brought many cherry’s
So that they could have a magnificent feast
So they sat and talked until darkness fell
And when they parted, many things
The Young adventurous Mr Yamamoto
Did now truly understand
And he returned to his family
A much richer and wiser man

Back to his old Homeland



Thursday, 27 April 2017

X means a quick word from our sponsor

We interrupt this A to Z to bring you a quick word from our sponsor


Well actually that is not entirely true. You see I was pondering which old post will I pinch for the letter X  and then I thought . . . Well this A to Z has been a right old Hodge Podge of things and that is for sure and no one really cares now; everyone is thinking I HAVE NEARLY MADE IT . . . So I thought what I need is a short commercial break and unfortunately I only have the one and it has been ages since it was posted so here for your further entertainment is the Letter X which stands for  . . .

The Elixir of Everything 


Luckily there is an X in that so Phew thats my excuse for using it.





Have you ever wondered how to get rid of those grey hairs?
Blotchy skin marks
That annoying scratch on the table
Wondered how to stop the cat running up the curtains
Is your car running badly?
Does your mind wander, do you need to focus on that exam next week
Worried you might fail that drugs test in the world cup quarter finals.
Have your shoes lost their shine
Are you getting old and wish to look younger
Want to Lose Weight
Extinguish that Chip pan fire
Is your goldfish looking limp and lifeless?
Do you wish you could roller-skate, climb mountains, and play chess?
Is that stubborn stain on the carpet playing on your mind?
Do you get sea sick, can't sleep or have hay fever
Does that favourite old chair have woodworm?
Want to be the life and soul of the party
Become fabulously rich
Sing like Tom Waits
Swim like a dolphin
Have shiny teeth like a film star
Become a film star
Would you like to be able to turn invisible in restaurants?
Catch frogs with your X rays eyes
Ride a bicycle
Add some extra spiciness to that takeaway curry
Having bother with rats, cockroaches, constipation or embarrassing itches.
Are those drains blocked?
Would you like that lawn mower to start first time?
Have the perfect tan
Stop the Christmas tree losing it needles.
Play guitar like Eddie Van Halen
Polish those old floor boards
Stop those slugs eating your lettuce.

Yes you need Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompires
World famous Elixir of Everything.
Available at all leading chemists
Vets and hardware shops. . . . NOW

Quote I AM AN IDIOT 2345 at any leader retailer to get two for the price of one.
Limited stocks available
Terms and conditions apply
Batteries not included.


Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompires
World famous
Elixir of Everything.
And everything will seem better

Wednesday, 26 April 2017

Poetry for Witches

Ooooooo Where are we . . . What . . . Who

Are we there yet DAD





Witches Witches Everywhere
Over here
And over there
Under beds
Without a care
Waving wands
To try and scare
Witches Witches on Witches brooms
Fly about in darkened rooms
Black cats watching as they play
As the Witches
Fly past . . . . . All night and day
Cauldrons bubble on the fire
As the Witches
Make the spells they desire
Turning princes
Into big green frogs
With eye of newt
And tail of dog
Grumbling other folk say they're very bad
Have a warty nose
And might be mad
So sometimes Witches just for spite
Turn the milkman’s milk very pink instead of white
Or tell small children
They are very nice
Before turning them
Into tiny mice
Which the black cat will then Promptly eat
Because as we know
Cats like a bit of furry meat
And so it seems
We have reached the Time
When Witches
Have decided to end . . . . . .  This Rhyme
And some would say

that’s

Just fine

With one more short and poetic line . . . . . such as



The END

Tuesday, 25 April 2017

The Vampire and the Vole

Well V means its time to repeat on old favourite of mine . . . . Yes I know what you are saying, but I do like this post it always amuses me and I wrote it. . . Well my hands did I still dont know where my hands got the idea from but that is hands for you.







VICTOR the VOLE.


“VHAT do you VANT” said the VAMPIRE to the VOLE.

“What”? Said VICTOR the VOLE.

“For a start off those are not V words” said VICTOR.

VICTOR the VOLE was very good at words and knew all his VERBS and VOWELS.
  
The VAMPIRE was very displeased because he was being criticized by a little VOLE and he shouted “I VILL bite VOU and VURN VOU into a VOMBIE, VES a VILE VITTLE VOMBIE”.

“A VOMBIE “ said the VOLE “surely you mean a Zombie”.

“VOMBIE VOMBIE VATS VHOT I VED” said the VAMPIRE, who was VERY angry; so angry he bit VICTOR the VOLE on the neck.

“I VARNED VOO” said the VAMPIRE.

And VICTOR the VOLE said “I suppose you VINK that’s VUNNY”.

And they both laughed hysterically as a cow jumped over the VOON.


The VEND 

Monday, 24 April 2017

The Undead, Vampires and a gang of Unscrupulous Little Old Ladies

Right today for the letter U I have unearthed my post from March 2012 and my first practice run. And as I said once before about doing a practice run, it is fine but then U then have to come up with a whole new post a few weeks later. Not so easy with U and the real U of 2012 was not as good as the practice U, O well that is what happens at times we make great master plans only to see then become Undone by the unexpected. 

OK enough of this time for my 2012 diary entry and my very first ever attempt at the letter U from March 2012. 




The Undead, Vampires and a gang of 
Unscrupulous Little Old Ladies

We have reached U and U know what that means I can use U instead of U (as in U and not me)……. Mum just said IDIOT, but I am not sure if she means me or U ……..Ah; it’s me not U apparently.

Today as I mentioned yesterday is the day of the UNDEAD . . . WELL COOL so we all went to school covered in white wash and Self Raising Flour, the UNDEAD like self-raising flour it helps them get out of their graves HAH AH HHAH HAH HAH HAH hah ah h hha hah hah hhahh ahah ha……. Mum said IDIOT again now.

On the school bus we all were going UUUUUGHHH or is it UUUUUUAAAAAGGHHH at UNSUSPECTING UNDERGRADUATES from the rather UTILITARIAN looking UNIVERSITY (which I have just made up in order to USE more U’s), and some UNEMPLOYED UNION members who took UMBRAGE and threw UMBRELLA’S in an UNADVISABLE UNCONTROLLED manner.  

When we got off the bus all seemed UNEVENTFUL UNTIL a gang of UNSCRUPULOUS little old ladies screamed at US saying IT’S THE UNBELIEVERS, THE UNSEEN, UNKEMPT UNDERCLASS’S KNOWN THROUGHOUT THE UNIVERSE AS VAMPIRES.  What Vampires we are not Vampires UNTIL tomorrow, we did shout WE ARE THE UNDEAD NOT VAMPIRES but the little old ladies kept Shouting VAMPIRES, VAMPIRES, KILL THE VAMPIRES. UNNA from class UU17 said they were UNHINGED (the little old ladies not the UNDEAD) and they were ruining the letter U UNNECESSARILY. To which the little old ladies shouted KILL THE VAMPIRES. I can’t help but think when we turn up as Vampires tomorrow U will not see a single little old lady to shout KILL THE VAMPIRE. I just wish they had not thrown their UNDERWEAR at US, that was UTTERLY UNMENTIONABLE (Ah I just did) and rather UNFORTUNATE.   

So after a then UNINSPIRING day in school where Esmeralda was hitting a lump of URANIUM with a hammer to see if it would blow UP and the Cricket UMPIRE pointed out that URSA Major was in the UPPER Quarter which will lead to UTTERANCES in the UNDERGROWTH by the UNDERTAKER (I did not UNDERSTAND a word myself). I UNSURPRISINGLY headed home to the fading shouts of KILL THE VAMPIRES. I think I did hear one little old lady shout KILL THE UMPIRE when her grandson was given LBW (Leg Before Wicket for those of U reading in the USA)

The Carpet is all finished now, a job well done although the dog ate the UNDERLAY and some of the fitters UTENSILS, but the dog is UNCONCERNED…… As U will have guessed by now some of my Diary is UNTRUE, UNLESS it is; although that’s more UNLIKELY.

Oooo Roast UNICORN for tea YUM, and I must try and fang (sorry find) my Vampire teeth for tomorrow.

 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .



OOOOOOoooooooo by the way if you have commented and I have not responded yet I will it is a time thing at present . . . . . . sorry about that 

Sunday, 23 April 2017

T is for Terrible Poetry. . . .


Well here we are again as I stumble towards Z is a confused and quietly unremarkable way. Still I will say that one good thing is that the arrival of the A to Z has had me think I must try and write a few new posts for the blog. But then all that making stuff including a somewhat odd summerhouse for the Shed of the Year competition means I am still very busy. I have already missed the entry closing date for this year, that is sometime in May but I will never be finished in time. I still have two towers to make and the interior to insulate and board out and then I need to paint it all both in and out.  



 Todays letter is T and so I have decided that T stands for terrible poetry, if there is one thing I am good at it is Totally Terrible Poetry so here is some for you to enjoy . . . or Not 

Terrible Poetry


I made myself a Viking mate
Out of branches and some planks of wood
He had a Viking helmet with horns and stuff
And looked really really really good
Then at night I left him outside the gates
Of a delivery company called Parcel Force
But in the morning he was gone
Because my wooden mate
As I'm sure you have guessed

Was a Trojan Norse

Which is why he’s gone of course


Like the horse



More Terrible poetry

I have not thought of any poetry TODAY
So I will have to try and amuse folk
In some other WAY
Like telling how I confused a chicken with a CANNONBALL
Which I bounced at it along the HALL
Or how I skied up a very steep HILL
Using jet powered skis
Made with my trusty
Electric DRILL
You see I am rather good at making STUFF
Although folk laugh and point
Because they say it is
Wonky and incredibly ROUGH
But when I'm wealthy
With my name in Bright LIGHTS
And have a posh dog that
Growls and BITES
Folk will not laugh at me THEN
As Fang the dog eats their HEN
I think it’s the one I threw the cannonball AT
The cannonball that accidently
Squashed the CAT
Yes OK squashing cats is a
Bad thing to DO
But then so is Flushing a tortoise
Down the LOO
No, no I didn’t do that
That was JIM
He says Tortoises are
A bit GRIM
And Now I appear to have lost the PLOT
As this poetry has things in it
It should NOT
So I better go as its getting DARK
And it is time to chase Owls about
In the PARK

And put Slugs in the JELLY
Its OK they are still alive I’m not that nasty
Just SMELLY


Please Note . . . . .
No animals were hurt in the writing of this Poetry
But I have finished Now SO

HAH HAH HAH HAH HA ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah ah ha ha ha hah ah ah ha ha ha hah ah a ah ah ha hah ah ah hahha ha hha ha haha hah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah ah ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha


Time to GO





Terrible Poetry that is more terrible than the previous 
Terrible Poetry 



The pitter patter of tiny FEET
Upon the cold, dark and wet scary STREET
Might be a Witch or a ZOM . . .BEEEEEE
Or the invisible man; who you never SEE
Or it might be a Werewolf who will loudly HOWL
Or something scarier on the PROWL
Or a Mummy from an Egyptian TOMB
Or the Great Winged Dragon of Ultimate DOOM
Or a tiny Goblin with a pointy KNIFE
Or that Count Dracula’s demonic bloodthirsty WIFE
Or it might be a Cat that is ten feet TALL
Or a Banshee with its terrible CALL
Or Uncle Jim drunk staggering home
Or a homemade monster made with bits of spare flesh and bone
Or a Ghost wearing steel toecap BOOTS
Or a Triffid scurrying on its horrible ROOTS
Or the Sandman carrying a Gladstone BAG
Or Rumblestilskin or a Psychotic HAG
Or a mad Goat that has eaten too much TOAST
Or the Haunted Hog that was once a ROAST
But one things for sure as you increase your PACE
Its cold clammy hand
Will wrap round your FACE
And its Vampire’s teeth will bite your NECK
If you try to turn just to CHECK
Surely you can’t be the victim of such an evil CURSE
Although it could be
Something
Even

WORSE





Thursday, 20 April 2017

R means Poetry for RRRRrrrrrrrrrr


Well it is time to post one of last years little poems. as I remember I was busy last year about this time too. . . .Why does that keep happening I am trying to be lazy and my mind keeps thinking up interesting things for me to make. DAMN these brains they have minds of their own and mine keeps trying to make my body run about which it knows I cant do. My feet are a bit dodgy so yes i can leap about OK but then fall off stuff a fair bit which is OK as long as i'm near the ground. I do not do heights much these days although I used too, some very high heights they were too


Poetry for RRRRrrrrrrrrrr




RRRRRrrrrrrrrrr said the Pirate
As he stood on the Pirate Ship
A mug of rum in his hand
From which he had a little sip
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRR he said again
As he watched the waves far out at sea
A parrot on his shoulder
And a wooden leg attached to his left Knee
RRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrr me hearties
As he winks at the rest of his crew
Throwing Tom the cabin boy overboard
Because it is the sort of thing
Pirates are meant to do 



Man Overboard


HHHA Hha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haha ha ha ha haha ha ha ha ha ha h

RRRRr Damn the Shark got him

Wednesday, 19 April 2017

The Quirkiness of the Long Distance Blogger and an Inventor.


Today as an extra bonus I am giving you two Q's . . . Yes us Brits love a good Q one is from an old A to Z, you know the one about inventors. And I need to say now there are things in that such as the bicycle that will only make sense unless you read the entire A to Z it came from although I dont recommend that unless you have several hours to read it all. 

The first is not from an A to Z but makes an important point. This was from my days of writing a post every day which I did for 3 or 4 years through rain snow and rabbits. 


Now dont feel you need to read them both I will not be offended ( I will but hey it is OK you have stuff to do). . . .So here we go the letter Q from two entirely different angles.





The Quirkiness of the Long Distance Blogger






As a long term slightly quirky blogging diarist, I have to give myself little goals to achieve. Not goals like in the world cup where you have to kick a small round thing into a sort of fruit cage affair.

One of the primary objectives of any blogger is does anyone actually look at your blog, are they friendly, will they send you large sums of money, will the very nice Steven Spielberg make your very very long diary into a blockbuster film or films, (it is very long).  If the answer to all these is no then you have to find odd little glimmers of hope from other things.

I therefore have achieved something this month that is very positive indeed, this month has seen the best month ever for Page Views with close to seven and a half thousand as we approach the end of June. Now I have no way of knowing if that is good or not and I am aware that certain things can distort those figures, so I do not use those dynamic view design options they add thousands of page views that don’t exist, I learnt that very early on. I also do not count my own views of my blog or that would just get confusing and I do not allow anonymous commenting that just attracts automated web crawlers and they are well annoying beasts.

I suspect folk are going to say . . .  IS THAT ALL HEY I GET THAT A DAY . . .  but I just don’t know what is good or bad in the world of blogging, it is full of smoke and mirrors and a lot of hype so I just keep to my own goals.  Strangely if there is one thing the football teams in the world cup hate it is own goals, but as a blogger it is what keeps me striving to bigger and better things, well that and the dream that the very nice Steven Spielberg will stop burning the manuscript to the film of the diary of the book of the blog



The world of blogging is a fickle world but there are some good folk out there, Mr ESB, Miss Laura, Mr Addman, Mr H, Miss Lily and Master Meglos, Miss Hannah,  Mr Flip, Mr B, P Von P, Mr G to name but a few. And so you may ask yourself why do we do this, what drives us in our quest for fame fortune and celebrity without moving from the comfort of our armchairs. The answer is simple we are all IDIOTS……….









The A to Z of Slightly Strange
Unknown Victorian Inventors
and Explorers

Quinton Quantum-Quizzical

Quizzical by name, quizzical by nature was Mr Quinton Quantum-Quizzical’s little catch phrase which he repeated at least half a dozen times a day to his faithful assistant (Ivan Pavlov) and his cat (called Quantum). And there was no denying that he was a quizzical man, experimenting in all sorts of things from chemistry to mechanics and even electricity and alchemy. One day he was invited by Professor Venomous Voldemort to an experiment at the Royal Observatory which involved a cat or at least part of a cat. And this made Mr Quantum-Quizzical ponder his own cat that spent most of its time sleeping in a box in the laboratory. So how was he to know for sure that the cat was alive or dead, because while it was in the box both options were possible and this led to an interesting paradox for Mr Quantum-Quizzical.

So he invented the Quantum Cat Quizzer a device that you can attach to your cats collar or a box and it periodically stabs the cat with a sharp point if the cat does not move. So if your cat falls asleep in a box you will know the cat is alive when it leaps out and runs round the kitchen panicking. If it remains in the box then it can be assumed to be dead.

The device worked well to some degree but it had issues like being made of cast-iron which did make the device heavier that ideal, and a dependence on steam as the devices energy source, leading to several overheated cats. Who when stabbed repeatedly with the Quantum Cat Quizzer did not move, proving the cats were dead.

Although Quinton Quantum-Quizzical did finally master the design of the Quantum Cat Quizzer, the tide of public opinion was against the device as us British were by then turning into a nation of cat lovers. Also several little old ladies very badly injured when their cats having been stabbed with a sharp point hid on their owners heads where the poor old cat then got stabbed again leading to further injuries to the little old ladies.

In the end Quinton Quantum-Quizzical finally put forward the theory that most cats in a box are in fact alive but most little old ladies in a box are dead. A good theory, but one that led to him being repeated stabbed with a sharp pointy stick by his own mother who often slept in a box with his cat.



His assistant Ivan Pavlov suggested they try some experiments with dogs instead but by then Quinton Quantum-Quizzical had decided that he was going to become a nun and was last seen dressed as a penguin with a bicycle wheel on his head. 
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