Tuesday, 25 April 2017

The Vampire and the Vole

Well V means its time to repeat on old favourite of mine . . . . Yes I know what you are saying, but I do like this post it always amuses me and I wrote it. . . Well my hands did I still dont know where my hands got the idea from but that is hands for you.







VICTOR the VOLE.


“VHAT do you VANT” said the VAMPIRE to the VOLE.

“What”? Said VICTOR the VOLE.

“For a start off those are not V words” said VICTOR.

VICTOR the VOLE was very good at words and knew all his VERBS and VOWELS.
  
The VAMPIRE was very displeased because he was being criticized by a little VOLE and he shouted “I VILL bite VOU and VURN VOU into a VOMBIE, VES a VILE VITTLE VOMBIE”.

“A VOMBIE “ said the VOLE “surely you mean a Zombie”.

“VOMBIE VOMBIE VATS VHOT I VED” said the VAMPIRE, who was VERY angry; so angry he bit VICTOR the VOLE on the neck.

“I VARNED VOO” said the VAMPIRE.

And VICTOR the VOLE said “I suppose you VINK that’s VUNNY”.

And they both laughed hysterically as a cow jumped over the VOON.


The VEND 

Monday, 24 April 2017

The Undead, Vampires and a gang of Unscrupulous Little Old Ladies

Right today for the letter U I have unearthed my post from March 2012 and my first practice run. And as I said once before about doing a practice run, it is fine but then U then have to come up with a whole new post a few weeks later. Not so easy with U and the real U of 2012 was not as good as the practice U, O well that is what happens at times we make great master plans only to see then become Undone by the unexpected. 

OK enough of this time for my 2012 diary entry and my very first ever attempt at the letter U from March 2012. 




The Undead, Vampires and a gang of 
Unscrupulous Little Old Ladies

We have reached U and U know what that means I can use U instead of U (as in U and not me)……. Mum just said IDIOT, but I am not sure if she means me or U ……..Ah; it’s me not U apparently.

Today as I mentioned yesterday is the day of the UNDEAD . . . WELL COOL so we all went to school covered in white wash and Self Raising Flour, the UNDEAD like self-raising flour it helps them get out of their graves HAH AH HHAH HAH HAH HAH hah ah h hha hah hah hhahh ahah ha……. Mum said IDIOT again now.

On the school bus we all were going UUUUUGHHH or is it UUUUUUAAAAAGGHHH at UNSUSPECTING UNDERGRADUATES from the rather UTILITARIAN looking UNIVERSITY (which I have just made up in order to USE more U’s), and some UNEMPLOYED UNION members who took UMBRAGE and threw UMBRELLA’S in an UNADVISABLE UNCONTROLLED manner.  

When we got off the bus all seemed UNEVENTFUL UNTIL a gang of UNSCRUPULOUS little old ladies screamed at US saying IT’S THE UNBELIEVERS, THE UNSEEN, UNKEMPT UNDERCLASS’S KNOWN THROUGHOUT THE UNIVERSE AS VAMPIRES.  What Vampires we are not Vampires UNTIL tomorrow, we did shout WE ARE THE UNDEAD NOT VAMPIRES but the little old ladies kept Shouting VAMPIRES, VAMPIRES, KILL THE VAMPIRES. UNNA from class UU17 said they were UNHINGED (the little old ladies not the UNDEAD) and they were ruining the letter U UNNECESSARILY. To which the little old ladies shouted KILL THE VAMPIRES. I can’t help but think when we turn up as Vampires tomorrow U will not see a single little old lady to shout KILL THE VAMPIRE. I just wish they had not thrown their UNDERWEAR at US, that was UTTERLY UNMENTIONABLE (Ah I just did) and rather UNFORTUNATE.   

So after a then UNINSPIRING day in school where Esmeralda was hitting a lump of URANIUM with a hammer to see if it would blow UP and the Cricket UMPIRE pointed out that URSA Major was in the UPPER Quarter which will lead to UTTERANCES in the UNDERGROWTH by the UNDERTAKER (I did not UNDERSTAND a word myself). I UNSURPRISINGLY headed home to the fading shouts of KILL THE VAMPIRES. I think I did hear one little old lady shout KILL THE UMPIRE when her grandson was given LBW (Leg Before Wicket for those of U reading in the USA)

The Carpet is all finished now, a job well done although the dog ate the UNDERLAY and some of the fitters UTENSILS, but the dog is UNCONCERNED…… As U will have guessed by now some of my Diary is UNTRUE, UNLESS it is; although that’s more UNLIKELY.

Oooo Roast UNICORN for tea YUM, and I must try and fang (sorry find) my Vampire teeth for tomorrow.

 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .



OOOOOOoooooooo by the way if you have commented and I have not responded yet I will it is a time thing at present . . . . . . sorry about that 

Sunday, 23 April 2017

T is for Terrible Poetry. . . .


Well here we are again as I stumble towards Z is a confused and quietly unremarkable way. Still I will say that one good thing is that the arrival of the A to Z has had me think I must try and write a few new posts for the blog. But then all that making stuff including a somewhat odd summerhouse for the Shed of the Year competition means I am still very busy. I have already missed the entry closing date for this year, that is sometime in May but I will never be finished in time. I still have two towers to make and the interior to insulate and board out and then I need to paint it all both in and out.  



 Todays letter is T and so I have decided that T stands for terrible poetry, if there is one thing I am good at it is Totally Terrible Poetry so here is some for you to enjoy . . . or Not 

Terrible Poetry


I made myself a Viking mate
Out of branches and some planks of wood
He had a Viking helmet with horns and stuff
And looked really really really good
Then at night I left him outside the gates
Of a delivery company called Parcel Force
But in the morning he was gone
Because my wooden mate
As I'm sure you have guessed

Was a Trojan Norse

Which is why he’s gone of course


Like the horse



More Terrible poetry

I have not thought of any poetry TODAY
So I will have to try and amuse folk
In some other WAY
Like telling how I confused a chicken with a CANNONBALL
Which I bounced at it along the HALL
Or how I skied up a very steep HILL
Using jet powered skis
Made with my trusty
Electric DRILL
You see I am rather good at making STUFF
Although folk laugh and point
Because they say it is
Wonky and incredibly ROUGH
But when I'm wealthy
With my name in Bright LIGHTS
And have a posh dog that
Growls and BITES
Folk will not laugh at me THEN
As Fang the dog eats their HEN
I think it’s the one I threw the cannonball AT
The cannonball that accidently
Squashed the CAT
Yes OK squashing cats is a
Bad thing to DO
But then so is Flushing a tortoise
Down the LOO
No, no I didn’t do that
That was JIM
He says Tortoises are
A bit GRIM
And Now I appear to have lost the PLOT
As this poetry has things in it
It should NOT
So I better go as its getting DARK
And it is time to chase Owls about
In the PARK

And put Slugs in the JELLY
Its OK they are still alive I’m not that nasty
Just SMELLY


Please Note . . . . .
No animals were hurt in the writing of this Poetry
But I have finished Now SO

HAH HAH HAH HAH HA ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah ah ha ha ha hah ah ah ha ha ha hah ah a ah ah ha hah ah ah hahha ha hha ha haha hah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah ah ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha


Time to GO





Terrible Poetry that is more terrible than the previous 
Terrible Poetry 



The pitter patter of tiny FEET
Upon the cold, dark and wet scary STREET
Might be a Witch or a ZOM . . .BEEEEEE
Or the invisible man; who you never SEE
Or it might be a Werewolf who will loudly HOWL
Or something scarier on the PROWL
Or a Mummy from an Egyptian TOMB
Or the Great Winged Dragon of Ultimate DOOM
Or a tiny Goblin with a pointy KNIFE
Or that Count Dracula’s demonic bloodthirsty WIFE
Or it might be a Cat that is ten feet TALL
Or a Banshee with its terrible CALL
Or Uncle Jim drunk staggering home
Or a homemade monster made with bits of spare flesh and bone
Or a Ghost wearing steel toecap BOOTS
Or a Triffid scurrying on its horrible ROOTS
Or the Sandman carrying a Gladstone BAG
Or Rumblestilskin or a Psychotic HAG
Or a mad Goat that has eaten too much TOAST
Or the Haunted Hog that was once a ROAST
But one things for sure as you increase your PACE
Its cold clammy hand
Will wrap round your FACE
And its Vampire’s teeth will bite your NECK
If you try to turn just to CHECK
Surely you can’t be the victim of such an evil CURSE
Although it could be
Something
Even

WORSE





Thursday, 20 April 2017

R means Poetry for RRRRrrrrrrrrrr


Well it is time to post one of last years little poems. as I remember I was busy last year about this time too. . . .Why does that keep happening I am trying to be lazy and my mind keeps thinking up interesting things for me to make. DAMN these brains they have minds of their own and mine keeps trying to make my body run about which it knows I cant do. My feet are a bit dodgy so yes i can leap about OK but then fall off stuff a fair bit which is OK as long as i'm near the ground. I do not do heights much these days although I used too, some very high heights they were too


Poetry for RRRRrrrrrrrrrr




RRRRRrrrrrrrrrr said the Pirate
As he stood on the Pirate Ship
A mug of rum in his hand
From which he had a little sip
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRR he said again
As he watched the waves far out at sea
A parrot on his shoulder
And a wooden leg attached to his left Knee
RRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrr me hearties
As he winks at the rest of his crew
Throwing Tom the cabin boy overboard
Because it is the sort of thing
Pirates are meant to do 



Man Overboard


HHHA Hha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haha ha ha ha haha ha ha ha ha ha h

RRRRr Damn the Shark got him

Wednesday, 19 April 2017

The Quirkiness of the Long Distance Blogger and an Inventor.


Today as an extra bonus I am giving you two Q's . . . Yes us Brits love a good Q one is from an old A to Z, you know the one about inventors. And I need to say now there are things in that such as the bicycle that will only make sense unless you read the entire A to Z it came from although I dont recommend that unless you have several hours to read it all. 

The first is not from an A to Z but makes an important point. This was from my days of writing a post every day which I did for 3 or 4 years through rain snow and rabbits. 


Now dont feel you need to read them both I will not be offended ( I will but hey it is OK you have stuff to do). . . .So here we go the letter Q from two entirely different angles.





The Quirkiness of the Long Distance Blogger






As a long term slightly quirky blogging diarist, I have to give myself little goals to achieve. Not goals like in the world cup where you have to kick a small round thing into a sort of fruit cage affair.

One of the primary objectives of any blogger is does anyone actually look at your blog, are they friendly, will they send you large sums of money, will the very nice Steven Spielberg make your very very long diary into a blockbuster film or films, (it is very long).  If the answer to all these is no then you have to find odd little glimmers of hope from other things.

I therefore have achieved something this month that is very positive indeed, this month has seen the best month ever for Page Views with close to seven and a half thousand as we approach the end of June. Now I have no way of knowing if that is good or not and I am aware that certain things can distort those figures, so I do not use those dynamic view design options they add thousands of page views that don’t exist, I learnt that very early on. I also do not count my own views of my blog or that would just get confusing and I do not allow anonymous commenting that just attracts automated web crawlers and they are well annoying beasts.

I suspect folk are going to say . . .  IS THAT ALL HEY I GET THAT A DAY . . .  but I just don’t know what is good or bad in the world of blogging, it is full of smoke and mirrors and a lot of hype so I just keep to my own goals.  Strangely if there is one thing the football teams in the world cup hate it is own goals, but as a blogger it is what keeps me striving to bigger and better things, well that and the dream that the very nice Steven Spielberg will stop burning the manuscript to the film of the diary of the book of the blog



The world of blogging is a fickle world but there are some good folk out there, Mr ESB, Miss Laura, Mr Addman, Mr H, Miss Lily and Master Meglos, Miss Hannah,  Mr Flip, Mr B, P Von P, Mr G to name but a few. And so you may ask yourself why do we do this, what drives us in our quest for fame fortune and celebrity without moving from the comfort of our armchairs. The answer is simple we are all IDIOTS……….









The A to Z of Slightly Strange
Unknown Victorian Inventors
and Explorers

Quinton Quantum-Quizzical

Quizzical by name, quizzical by nature was Mr Quinton Quantum-Quizzical’s little catch phrase which he repeated at least half a dozen times a day to his faithful assistant (Ivan Pavlov) and his cat (called Quantum). And there was no denying that he was a quizzical man, experimenting in all sorts of things from chemistry to mechanics and even electricity and alchemy. One day he was invited by Professor Venomous Voldemort to an experiment at the Royal Observatory which involved a cat or at least part of a cat. And this made Mr Quantum-Quizzical ponder his own cat that spent most of its time sleeping in a box in the laboratory. So how was he to know for sure that the cat was alive or dead, because while it was in the box both options were possible and this led to an interesting paradox for Mr Quantum-Quizzical.

So he invented the Quantum Cat Quizzer a device that you can attach to your cats collar or a box and it periodically stabs the cat with a sharp point if the cat does not move. So if your cat falls asleep in a box you will know the cat is alive when it leaps out and runs round the kitchen panicking. If it remains in the box then it can be assumed to be dead.

The device worked well to some degree but it had issues like being made of cast-iron which did make the device heavier that ideal, and a dependence on steam as the devices energy source, leading to several overheated cats. Who when stabbed repeatedly with the Quantum Cat Quizzer did not move, proving the cats were dead.

Although Quinton Quantum-Quizzical did finally master the design of the Quantum Cat Quizzer, the tide of public opinion was against the device as us British were by then turning into a nation of cat lovers. Also several little old ladies very badly injured when their cats having been stabbed with a sharp point hid on their owners heads where the poor old cat then got stabbed again leading to further injuries to the little old ladies.

In the end Quinton Quantum-Quizzical finally put forward the theory that most cats in a box are in fact alive but most little old ladies in a box are dead. A good theory, but one that led to him being repeated stabbed with a sharp pointy stick by his own mother who often slept in a box with his cat.



His assistant Ivan Pavlov suggested they try some experiments with dogs instead but by then Quinton Quantum-Quizzical had decided that he was going to become a nun and was last seen dressed as a penguin with a bicycle wheel on his head. 
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.
.

Tuesday, 18 April 2017

The PERPLEXED PINEAPPLE PAGODA of PERSIA

Ah yes another old post from a previous A to Z and one of my favourite ones . . . Well what does that say about me I wonder, but lets face it we all must have a few letters from the A to Z's over the years that we like. Where we sit back and think well that worked OK how did that happen. . . PHEW . . .  And OK yes I admit it I may have tweaked the photo just a tiny weeny bit just to sort of add impact to what is an entirely plausible tale  . . . . O yes it is . . . 

Quite frankly I am amazed I have made it to the letter P this year as I said several times back at A B and C I am a busy chap doing stuff. I mean I am in the middle of building a very odd summerhouse with quirky bits and towers on which all being well I hope to enter into a little competition. OK it will not be this year I'm a bit late but by next year it should look awesome a bit like the PERPLEXED PINEAPPLE PAGODA of PERSIA. . . No its true. . .Anyway that brings us back to the Letter P so . . . . . . .

Oooooo yes this was back in the days when My blog was my diary (A slightly odd diary)




The Famous Architecture of 
the PERPLEXED PINEAPPLE PAGODA of PERSIA

It has been PERISHINGLY cold today with PERSISTENT PETULANT PIERCING rain PENETRATING the PORES of the POOR folk walking their PEKINESE in the PARK, it was PREDICTED so why they have to PUNISH themselves is rather PECULIAR, and the PEKINESE looked PERISHED and PUFFED out anyway.

In school today we were discussing the PRINCIPLES of Architecture and in PARTICULAR the Famous PERPLEXED PINEAPPLE PAGODA of PERSIA built by the PRINCE of PERSIA in the 15th century at the PEAK of his POWERS.  It is apparently known as the PERPLEXED PINEAPPLE because of the POLYMORPHIC PLEBEIAN PERPENDICULAR PITCHED PILLARED PIVOTING Staircase that PENETRATES the PINEAPPLE PAGODAS PRESTIGIOUS Crown. The dog incidentally says “POPPYCOCK and I could write what I know about Architecture on a PIECE of PAPER the size of a PEANUT in big letters”. All I can say is POOOOOO, the dog is just a POSY PROTAGONIST, what the dog fails to take into account is all the readers know less that I do about the Famous PERPLEXED PINEAPPLE PAGODA of PERSIA. And anyway If that very nice Steven Spielberg is going to make the block buster movie (sorry the sequel to the block buster movie) then a PRESTIGIOUS PANORAMIC location is a PRIORITY.






Interestingly the PERPLEXED PINEAPPLE PAGODA was built as a PIGEON Loft for the PRINCES PRIZED POISONOUS PERUVIAN PUFF PIGEONS who would PROMENADE importantly in the PINNACLES of its crown. Mr PLANT the Architecture lecturer said it was quite PLAUSIBLE that the PAGODA was built as a PLEASURE facility and………..

It was at this POINT that the lesson came to an abrupt halt when Esmeralda’s PYROTECHNICS’ PANICKED the PUPILS and they PUSHED out of the doors towards the PUB for a PORK PIE. It was all a bit chaotic until PETER the landlord of the PUB started PLAYING his bagpipes……. A sort of PIE PIPER…… Mmmmmm I have always wondered where the meat in his PIES came from???......... ……. ……. ……YUM

Ooooooo by the way Captain Flint the PARROT says “PIECES of Eight ……… POLLY needs a POO”

So much for the PRINCIPLES of good taste……. really 

Monday, 17 April 2017

O is for an Osprey and an Ocelot

As you all know 2013 was the year of the fairytale, I mean everyone loves fairy tales. However writing 26 all new fairytales is not as easy as you think, well not as easy as I thought and by the letter O they were getting a bit odd. OK yes Odd is a very subjective thing I mean one mans odd is another man's normal, but I'm a normal sort of chap so I think I can use the word odd if I want too and anyway they are now fairytales so YA SUCKS BOO.  Ok I may be drifting away from the entire point if there is one which I suspect there is not so best just to let you have a read of my story


The Slightly eccentric A to Z blogging adventure
 of unknown and rather unpopular 
Modern fairy tales
2013






O    An Osprey and an Ocelot



  An OSPREY and an OCELOT were OBSERVING the OCEAN near OSLO one OCTOBER day, it was an ORDINARY day slightly OVERCAST with the OCCASIONAL glimpse of the sun (an ORANGE ORB in the sky).

The OCELOT said to the OSPREY   . . .
Was that an OCTOPUS eating an OWL in the OCEAN?

And the OSPREY said
In my opinion they were dancing to the sound of The OSLO OCARINA ORCHESTRAL Ensemble and an OBOE

They continued to OBSERVE the OCEAN then after a while the OCELOT said to the OSPREY
Was that an OLIVE Flounder OVERTLY OGLING an OTTER?

And the OSPREY said
I think they are engaged in ORIENTEERING

So they continued to OBSERVE the OCEAN and after a while the OCELOT said to the OSPREY  
Was that an ORBICULAR batfish opening an OCTAGONAL box?

An the OSPREY said
I think he is ON an OUTING to the grand OPENING of an OUZO bar.

Then a large OGRE came and ORDERED a ONION and OLIVE sandwich
But the OSPREY and the OCELOT said they did not serve sandwiches
The OGRE then said OOOOOOOOOH I better eat you then
And the OSPREY and the OCELOT ran away
Leaving the OGRE OBSERVING the OCEAN near OSLO one OCTOBER day

The OGRE then said to an ONLOOKER
Was that an OCTOPUS eating an OWL in the OCEAN?

And the ONLOOKER said
In my OPINION they were dancing to the sound of The OSLO OCARINA ORCHESTRAL Ensemble and an OBOE

But the OGRE jumped up and chased the ONLOOKER OFF into the distance
And all was quiet except for the gently sound of The
OSLO OCARINA ORCHESTRAL Ensemble and an OBOE.

The End


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Oooooooo a link 

Sunday, 16 April 2017

N is for Nothing to do with N . . . . DAMN

Look Ok I have lost the plot completely now as today is the N day where the Letter N should be a prominent feature of the post and MMMmmmmmm (or NNNNnnnnnnnn) it is not; NO in fact there is almost Nothing here that has any link to the letter N in any way except ironically the word Nothing. Anyway these things happen, I mean there I was looking back over my many many posts pondering which N post to use and for reasons only known to my subconscious I ended up with a poem that is not N related. I do not have a good memory so reading it again made me realise just what a bad poet I am . . . Something I am very proud of, not everyone can write stuff like this you know. Go on give it a go. . . 

So here we have an Un N poem that will Nibble at  the Nerve ends of your Neurons. First posted round about halloween 2015 sadly in October rather than November an N Month . .  DAMN      



Poetry for an Infinite Number of Monkeys
 Halloween and Evolution
(A world first)




One day I found myself looking up
At an infinite number of Monkeys in a TREE
And an infinite number of Monkeys
Stared indignantly . . . . . 
Just looking back down at ME
They said they were not happy
And they shouted in my EAR
That it was them that wrote
The collected works
Of that bloke we call SHAKESPEARE
And they had planned to write
The concise pocket edition of Aristotle
And maybe Homer’s ODYSSEY
But they then decided to all go on Strike
Because they were still waiting
For their large Shakespearean FEE
So confused I shouted
Trick or Treat, as it is nearly HALLOWEEN
But the Monkeys just sneered
And said as a relative
I was the worst they had ever SEEN
And I tried to point out to them
That I was higher in the Evolutionary Process
Which was plainly clear to SEE?
But they very kindly pointed out
I was on the ground . . . looking up
And they were looking down
From up in the TREE


While in a pond near by
A single celled critter
Sung a SONG
All about Halloween and Evolution
And how he thought
Both had gone
Quite

WRONG  

Friday, 14 April 2017

M is for the plight of Mermaids, Monsters and Mythical Beasts.

I think I wrote this in July 2015 I say think I was not paying attention when I copied and pasted it here. But it is full of M words . . . OK it has the words Mermaids, Monsters and Mythical Beasts in it which is cool because they are good words. Unless of course you are being chased by a Mermaid, Monster or Mythical Beasts. If you are being chased by a Mermaid then I would suggest you get out of the sea, they are rubbish at running. Right enough of this idol chit chat time for my M word post . . . . . . OOOOOOO and I know I am trying to get back to comment on folks blogs as and when you leave a comment but I have had something like eight comments on L and that means I will be here half the night now sorting that out so be patient and remember I am a bit grumpy . . . And rubbish at typing.

Happy Easter by the way.



The plight of Mermaids, Monsters and Mythical Beasts





The World is a place where things change, there is little if anything anyone can do to stop it. Sometimes it is for the better and often it is not and most of the time it is impossible to tell if it is for the better or worse.  One of the sadness’s that gets little if any thought is that of the plight of Mermaids, Monsters and Mythical Beasts, O yes I can see a slight look of puzzlement on the faces of many as they dwell on what I am saying. You see many many many years ago such things had a real place in the minds of man, they were real and existed even if they were seldom seen.

When they were seen they were generally blamed for all sorts of stuff they did not do. Folk do stuff like that, blaming mythical beasts is to put it bluntly an easy way out of trouble.  I’m sure we would all happily shout . . . . The Mermaid did it. . . when someone is demanding to know who ate their ice cream.  Of course what happened is science turned up and along with rational thought putting an end to many of the beasts of the past as anatomically impossible or some such reason? Without . . . I will add the slightest morsel of remorse for destroying the deep held believes of many generations.

The thing is us humans need our Mermaids, Monsters and Mythical Beasts and so we are forced to find them in the wilder places of the world and ensure that they have some sort of scientific plausibility. Critters such as Big Foot, Yeti, The Loch Ness Monster as well as many other beasts, particularly of the deep sea and lakes.  But I can’t help but think the day will come when we finally kill them of as well.  And the strange world of unknown large and even small mythical beasts will be no more.

These things are in our DNA they need to be real, I mean just ask yourself why do folk like films like Jurassic World or King Kong or Godzilla its not just simple entertainment it is more deep rooted. Only the problem is it is no longer possible to see them as a real possibility of a world that might just still exist in a small corner of Planet Earth. . . . Like in the film The Lost World, a world that is now lost for good.


The world would be a better place if the possibility of Mermaids was distinctly a real possibility.