Saturday, 29 November 2014

Aliens, Black Friday, 40 inch Televisions, Conspiracies and Professor Quatermass.



After many years it appears the so called Black Friday chaos finally arrived here in Britain yesterday, a place not used to Black Friday. And it has come to my notice thanks to the very informative Bumferry Hogart that all was not as it might appear from a distance. You see Mr Hogart or Mr H as we like to call him was brave enough to venture out into the wilds of sale land and found folk acting normally and even smiling. To those of us watching the news this was a shock as on the BBC news we got to watch massed crowds fighting in the playing fields of England . . . sorry I mean the aisles of Tesco as they fought to the last man over 40 inch television sets. This is interesting because (as I have already discussed with Mr H) a couple of years ago when the good folk of Britain in certain places (cities) rioted one of the main items targeted by the looters was 40 inch television sets.

In fact 40 inch television sets seem to have a strange effect on the public and the people who own them. So I have had to conclude from all the evidence that has been placed in front of me that the minds of man has been subconsciously manipulated by Aliens of a higher intelligence many millions of years ago to desire a 40 inch television.  Of course the Aliens have been waiting quietly for us to get to the stage where our own intelligence is good enough to develop the mass produced 40 inch Flat Screen Television. Which means mankind has now finally reached a point where we now sit and worship these 40 inch large shiny black monoliths in our living rooms. Now ask yourself does this remind you of something, a film maybe called . . . 2001 a Space Odyssey. 

You see these large black 40 inch screen technological devices are more than a simple television set they are the incubators of the dormant offspring of the Aliens who will at some point leap out of the screen and into the body and mind of the humans who have been sent into a comatose state by watching hours of talent shows and minor celebs doing stuff like dancing and eating armadillos or Dads Army. 

And once the humans have been assimilated and genetically realigned they will join the army of existing aliens who insist those of us who do not yet own 40 inch televisions should get one because it’s a must for every modern home. This way it is only a matter of time until we are all taken over and Mankind as we know it is changed forever becoming Aliens just like the ones you see on the TV. . . . . . .


I blame that Professor Quatermass. . . . 

Friday, 28 November 2014

The Big Questions I Can't Answer (or a Quiz Night)




I am off at a quiz night tonight to very possibly be asked to answer questions, as that is the general nature of quiz nights. I am not a silly unknowledgeable chap, however I am not good at answering questions at random out of the blue, it is not what I do.  Also Quiz nights tend to have questions about popular television, I do not know much about popular television except most of it is rubbish and my poor old brain is confused by the fact it is popular. Quiz nights also have questions about sport and football, a game involving a round ball and played by chaps from abroad who earn huge amounts of money; one of whom once said something about Seagulls. . .  And popular music is in general another subject that tends to crop up at such events. . . I am also not good at popular music which these days seems to involve boy bands and folk who have won TV talent shows . . .  I have decided to answer all these particular questions with either  . . . Tiny Tim or Country Joe and the Fish . . . that way I stand a small chance of getting one question right.

The good news is this quiz night is to be held of Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Café, the home of the greatest food in the world and at midpoint in the proceeding we all stop for chicken pie and chips unless you are a veggie in which case it’s the veggie option. This makes the humiliation of being last by several hundred points behind a mad old granny and her team of cats acceptable.  Sometimes a man has to do what a man has to do in order to consume the delights of great pies.


Of course this years blog theme which I keep departing from on an almost daily basis is The Big Questions, so it is more than a little ironic that I will be sitting blank faced, drinking orange juice shouting TINY TIM TINY TIM TINY TIM at my fellow team mates as they ponder on the question  . . . . Who was the last Governor-General of the Belgian Congo? and for a bonus point what was the name of his dog . . . . While they try and think if Baron Théophile Wahis was the last one or not because he was not that keen on dogs only to find out after that rather ironically (there will be much irony) he did have a small dog called Tiny Tim. . . . .  At which point I will look smug and nod with a knowing nod.  As I have said Tiny Tim must be the answer to something. I have a feeling he sang a cover of that famous Charles Dickens song . . .  Santa in Red. . . .  

Thursday, 27 November 2014

Steven Spielberg, Jurassic World and certain investment concerns about dinosaurs

As my few but loyal followers will know I have been cooking up brilliant ideas for the very nice Steven Spielberg now for about four years and in that time have thought of hundreds of them. Some of them probably even good ones, yes the law of averages states that I Rob Z Tobor is capable of thinking of good ideas, a bit like all those monkeys writing Shakespeare in the infinite voids of infinity.  So am I annoyed that the nice Mr Spielberg is doing a sneaky and churning out yet another dinosaur film, this time called Jurassic World well the answer is . . . . . . . . a bit.

And in order to understand just how improbable this film is it is important to go back to the beginning when some bright spark comes up with the idea of Jurassic World in the first place. So let us reflect on a man as he walks with purpose along the busy streets of Gotham City clutching his neat leather executive case heading towards the Gotham City Central Bank.




Hey hello Professor shouts a voice in the crowd as Professor Frankenstein busily pushes his way through the throng into the huge marble hall way of the Central Bank, its magnificent classical columns twinkling with the light of the halls chandeliers.

O hello Clark I am a bit late for an appointment at present so will see you later, I could have a great story for the paper. With that he waves and heads off towards the manager’s office, it is not good to be late when you want to borrow several million Dollars.

Professor Frankenstein you are on the dot please come straight in it is always good to see you. Says the banks Manager

Ah Thank you . . . you are very kind

Please take a seat and tell me how I can help you, although I have to warn you banking has changed in the last few years it is not like it was back in the good old days.

Yes I have a new plan. One greater than any of my previous plans and one that will make us all very very rich it’s a brilliant plan if I say so myself. But I will need to borrow several million dollars.

Well as I have said Banking is not what it was, but we are always keen to support good ideas tell me all about it.


Yes I want to build a world full of living dinosaurs and breed them in captivity it will attract millions of visitors and scientists from all over the world. . . . I thought I would call it Jurassic World.

AH . . . . Well Professor it sounds a bit like Jurassic Park to me and we know what happened with that and more than once I may add.

Yes OK it didn’t entirely work out as planned but this time it will be dead exciting . . . no pun intended. . . and entirely safe. . . . . Sort of.

You said that last time Professor and you told me that they would be small dinosaurs not huge things

Well they were smallish . . . . they just had big claws

Indeed and just how big will these dinosaurs be this time.

Welll mmmmmm maybe 70 to 90 feet long or so but with smaller claws.

Look I’m sorry Professor but the bank can’t afford to invest in more monsters we are not thought of well at present and your track record is a bit dodgy to say the least. I mean what happened to that chap you made with the bolt through his neck. And we invested in that King Kong which turned out to be a bad move, as did that bloke Indiana Jones and his Pyramid Scam. And if anyone mentions the creature from the black lagoon again I will hit them.

So it sounds like you are saying No

O what the hell we will give it a go what can really go wrong. . . . Sooner or later someone will get the hang of these dinosaurs, they cant all be super intelligent killing machines. I mean just how realistic is that,  After all even that nice Steven Spielberg would not be foolish enough  to make yet another of those films would he.

AH DAMN funny you should say that






THE END. . . . . . . . . . .   

Monday, 24 November 2014

A Harry Potter Christmas Poem (almost like the original but not quite)



Was the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that Santa for Wizards would turn up there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of muggles danced in their heads.
And Hermione waving her wand, an eye in her lap,
Had just settled her brain for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Ron sprang from his chair to see what was the matter.
Away to the window Ron flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to Ron’s wondering eyes should appear,
But a Drunk Harry Potter, with eight tins of strong beer.

With a little can opener, so lively and quick,
Ron knew in a moment Harry must be feeling quite sick.
Then into the night a voice suddenly came,
And it whistled, and shouted, and called Ron by his name!

"You’re my best mate Ron you cute little Vixen!
I’ve had a great doner kebab at a party in Blitzen!
but I’ve been sick on the porch! and the top of the wall!
but must dash away! Dash away! because I might be sick in your hall”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up on the house-top Ron he just knew,
With a sleigh full of Toys, was Hagrid drinking Homebrew.

And then, in a twinkling, Ron heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As Ron shook his head, and then turned around,
Down the chimney fell Hagrid with a terrible sound

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bottle of gin he had tied on his back,
And he looked like a madman, about to attack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how scary!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose rather hairy!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like Banshees in the heath.
He had a broad manic face, was incredibly smelly,
And he shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

He was grumpy and plump, spitting bits of food on a shelf,
And Ron cringed when he saw him, in spite of himself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave Ron to know he better watch what he said.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
Giving a nod, out the window he then chose!

He sprang to his sleigh, and to Harry Potter gave a whistle,
And away they both flew like the down of a thistle.
But Ron heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Here Harry I know of this bar that is open all night!"

Sunday, 23 November 2014

The Predictability of our own Future, Fate and other Things . . . . . The Big Question



I was quietly minding my own business as I do When I was asked Are you the chap who answers those Big Questions and my answer was Maybe or Maybe not Why and they said well I was wondering about stuff, sort of what's it all about How come I'M here now and not sat on a hot beach, just how do we end up being us and STUFF.

Don’t you just hate it when strangers ask you questions like that but to be fair they do have a point because what we are and what we do are rather fragile things indeed. Many of us may think we are in control of our destiny but are we.  Starting back at the beginning we are born, a genetic throw of the dice by two people who may or may not have plans to produce children. And once in the world we are in the hands of others who may or may not help kick start us on our way to fame fortune and adventure. Here in the West we have the advantage of school, but a personality clash with a teacher or another pupil or any number of things can change what we learn and what qualifications we get. Which in turn can send us on any number of unknown options and lock us out of many many more.  What we do can depend on if we live in a town or in the country and that can be down to family and all sorts of things.

So at what point do we finally get to take total control of our destiny, well I’m afraid we never really do. It may appear that some do but the fact is even those right at the top are there due to thousands if not millions of interlinked events that have created the world around us.  Some of these events are things done by others, some are things that happen by accidents of fate, like winning the lottery, meeting someone in a shop or café or the zoo.

Of course we can do some things to steer our lives in the general direction we wish to go and sometimes it can work out as planned a bit like leaping about in front of the very nice Steven Spielberg’s bedroom window naked shouting Hello Handsome . . . Although sometimes these little things we do to steer our lives in the direction we wish to go have unforeseen side effects that lead down new unpredicted paths. Such as running down a road naked pursued by large dogs and several police cars, leading to the theft a bicycle which by a stroke of luck has a friend of Mr Jones the Alien Hunter in the basket and for twenty five pounds and the use of a mobile makes the bike fly over a small forest to safety.   Strangely national governments try and do stuff to steer things in the direction they wish things to go and have very similar problems, but are seldom saved by aliens on bicycles who are friends of Mr Jones.


So just remember we all start equal for about 10 seconds then it is 85% luck and 15% our own efforts, so be as nice as you can to everyone because who is to say that but for the hand of  fate you could be them and they could be you. 

Thursday, 20 November 2014

The Concluding Part of Harry Potter and the Dark Clouds of Doom . . . . (Part Four)


Link to Part Three 

If there is one useful tip that everyone should know about Godzilla it is that He/She gets bored very quickly. This is not something the wizards of Hogwarts are aware of, but everyone is hiding anyway with the exception of a small girl called Lily Luna who is shouting

Look I have now named you Wally and I would like you to wear this pink ribbon round your neck so that everyone knows you are a pet Godzilla. And stop making all that noise you are scaring the cat.

Well as you can imagine the huge Godzilla is not going to wear a pink ribbon or eat a carrot so with little else to amuse it in the Academy it wanders off deep into the Magic Forrest, where it suspects there might just be a large Gorilla called Kong. Apparently the Gorilla has been telling the very nice David Attenborough that it is King of the jungle and that the big lizard is a so called has been.  And that the old Gypsy is rubbish as it told him he was going to fall off a big building while being shot at by biplanes. . . Those old Gypsies will tell folk anything for a few coins and an ice cream. . . .

As Lily Luna headed back to Harry Potters office annoyed that her new pet has wandered off she stumbles over a small strange creature and she decides there and then that this will be her new pet. She has no idea what it is but looks it up in the rather useful book . . .  Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them . . . . .  it turns out to be a Loopisaurus. Without reading about it she heads off to the office to tell her dad.

look what I got dad, its a Loopisaurus she says as she enters the office . . . . . . . What are you doing under the desk dad . . . .with HagriD?

As they emerge they look at the beast and Harry says

Is that a Loopisaurus . . .  I have a bad feeling about this I can sense those Dark Clouds of Doom again

Why dad . . . .  it’s my new pet

Hagrid butting in and saying the Loopisaurus makes time go in loops its, its defence mechanism it confuses its enemies until they get a headache and run off.

That’s silly she says, and with that she runs off out of the office to play with her new pet

O Dear says Harry I can feel those Dark Clouds of Doom I think it is time to hide under the desk again

But just as Harry and Hagrid vanish under the desk the door opens again and in runs Lily Luna

look what I got dad, its a Loopisaurus she says as she enters the office . . . . . . . What are you doing under the desk dad . . . .with HagriD?

As they emerge they look at the beast and Harry says

Is that a Loopisaurus . . .  I have a bad feeling about this I can sense those Dark Clouds of Doom again

Why dad . . . .  it’s my new pet

Hagrid butting in and saying the Loopisaurus makes time go in loops its, its defence mechanism it confuses its enemies until they get a headache and run off.

That’s silly she says and with that she runs off out of the office to play with her new pet

O Dear says Harry I can feel those Dark Clouds of Doom I think it is time to hide under the desk again

But just as Harry and Hagrid vanish under the desk the door opens again and in runs Lily Luna.

look what I got dad, its a Loopisaurus she says as she enters the office . . . . . . . What are you doing under the desk dad . . . .with HagriD?

As they emerge they look at the beast and Harry says

Is that a Loopisaurus . . .  I have a bad feeling about this I can sense those Dark Clouds of Doom again

Why dad . . . .  it’s my new pet

Hagrid butting in and saying the Loopisaurus makes time go in loops its, its defence mechanism it confuses its enemies until they get a headache and run off.

That’s silly she says and with that she runs off out of the office to play with her new pet

O Dear says Harry I can feel those Dark Clouds of Doom I think it is time to hide under the desk again

But just as Harry and Hagrid vanish under the desk the door opens again and in runs Lily Luna

look what I got dad, its a Loopisaurus she says as she enters the office . . . . . . . What are you doing under the desk dad . . . .with HagriD?

As they emerge they look at the beast and Harry says

Is that a Loopisaurus . . .  I have a bad feeling about this I can sense those Dark Clouds of Doom again

Why dad . . . .  it’s my new pet

Hagrid butting in and saying the Loopisaurus makes time go in loops its, its defence mechanism it confuses its enemies until they get a headache and run off.

That’s silly she says and with that she runs off out of the office to play with her new pet

O Dear says Harry I can feel those Dark Clouds of Doom I think it is time to hide under the desk again

But just as Harry and Hagrid vanish under the desk the door opens again and in runs Lily Luna

look what I got dad, its a Loopisaurus she says as she enters the office . . . . . . . What are you doing under the desk dad . . . .with HagriD?

As they emerge they look at the beast and Harry says

Is that a Loopisaurus . . .  I have a bad feeling about this I can sense those Dark Clouds of Doom again

Why dad . . . .  it’s my new pet

Hagrid butting in and saying the Loopisaurus makes time go in loops its, its defence mechanism it confuses its enemies until they get a headache and run off.

That’s silly she says and with that she runs off out of the office to play with her new pet

O Dear says Harry I can feel those Dark Clouds of Doom I think it is time to hide under the desk again

But just as Harry and Hagrid vanish under the desk the door opens again and in runs Lily Luna


Hagrid. . .says Harry

Yes Harry

I’ve got a headache I think we should run away


THE END 

Tuesday, 18 November 2014

Godzilla meets Where's Wally in Harry Potter and the Dark Clouds of Doom (Part Three).


Link to Part TWO

Thanks Hagrid for ridding me of those terrible Wicker men says Harry Potter as he extracts himself from under his desk.

Well it is amazing what a gallon of petrol and a few matches will do and those Wicker men do burn rather well

It is probably best if we don’t tell Miss Lily Luna about it. she will only get all upset and start screaming a lot and we don’t want that do we.

With that Lily Luna runs into the office shouting Where’s Wally . . . Where’s Wally . . . Where’s Wally . . . Where’s Wally . . . Where’s Wally . . . Where’s Wally.

We don’t know what happened to him says Harry. He vanished when the large Wicker man strangely went on fire . . . . James Sirius Potter had followed Lily Lunu into the office and looking slightly puzzled says Well Hagrid had him, we saw him scurrying off with Wally and a can of petrol towards the woods.

Where’s Wally . . . Where’s Wally . . . Where’s Wally . . . Where’s Wally . . . Where’s Wally says Lily luna looking at Hagrid and adding and you know that your eyes go red when you lie to me and they look a bit pink already

AH says Hagrid Harry made me do it he made me set him on fire and I flushed his ashes down the toilet. . . . .

Which that Lily Luna Screams and Screams and demands a new pet straight away insisting that she is going to call it Wally after Wally the Wicker Man.

Hagrid says I will take you to the Forrest right now Miss Lily Luna How about a reptile they can be fun you could keep it in a big glass tank and watch it eat stuff….

OK but I get to choose which one I want says Lily Luna.

After several hours Hagrid and Lil Luna return to Hogwarts with a new Pet, Lily luna looking very pleased as they arrive back in Harry’s office.

Have you got a new pet then Lily Lunu

Yes

That is good and what kind of Reptile is it Hagrid

AH . . . it’s a muggle one, but it’s a bit big

When you say big,I do hope you dont mean like a komodo dragon

Ah . . . no it’s a bit bigger than that

Not a huge great Python I hope

AH . . .  No it’s a bit bigger that that

O dear I can see those Dark Clouds of Doom looming again . . . what sort of Muggle Reptile is bigger that a huge great Python

AH . . .  IT’S Godzilla

WHAT?????

AH . . . can I join you under your desk Mr Potter, I DON'T think it likes being called Wally.


 To Be Continued (maybe)

Link to Part Four (the Concluding Part)

Sunday, 16 November 2014

The Wicker Man Returns or Harry Potter and the Dark Clouds of Doom (Part two)



Link to PART ONE

As the huge Parents of the baby Zombie Eagle circle over Hogwarts making a terrible noise the baby Eagle is getting more and more agitated and after a very loud burp it suddenly regurgitates a decomposing goats head and then poo’s all over Harry’s desk ruining a whole load of important paperwork.

Ooooooo Yuck says Lily Luna no one told me eagles did that Yuck I hate eagles the smell is terrible I think I’m going to be sick.

Harry opens his window and above he can see two huge and rather angry birds circling and below he can hear the voice of Hagrid as he staggers out of bed still half asleep.

Hello Polly whats up. . . .whats that you say someone has stolen your baby and it has been hidden in hogwards. . . . . hang on I will go and see Harry potter and make sure who ever it is punished.

With that Hagrid vanishes into the building below and Harry and his children hear the footsteps of a large man who is not as fit as he should be making his way as fast as he can up the stairs while muttering about installing an elevator.

Harry’s office door busts open and Hagrid staggers in, out of breath shouting. . . .

Some idiot has stolen the baby Zombie Eagle what sort of fool would do that we need to find it and return it quick. . . . . As Hagrid looks up he sees the baby Eagle sitting on Harry’s desk eating inkpots and trying to swallow the decomposing goats head again.. . . . . . AH its here we need to get it home pronto or its parents will pull the building apart.

Yes Hagrid I quite agree you can do that cant you, I will try and clean the mess up here said Harry

As Hagrid carries the baby Eagle back to the wood Lily Luna looks out of the window and says

I hate Eagles I really hate Eagles they smell.

The following day peace had come to Hogwarts yet again although as we have learnt life in a school full of kids is chaotic enough so when they are wizard kids and the academy is a weird castle in a land full of magic peace is a bit like unicorn teeth or chicken horns, not very likely. So it is not a shock to most of you to learn that as Harry works away in his office while drinking a coffee he is interrupted by his daughter Lily Luna, saying.

I don’t need an eagle or anything like that anymore I have made my own pet now called Wally

Well that is excellent well done and what is Wally

He is Wally the Wicker man

WHAT  . . . . . . .

Yes look and with that Lily Luna pulled am eighteen inch high wicker man from out of the bag she was carrying

PHEW . . . . . said Harry just for a moment I though you were going to tell me it was twenty five feet tall and in the courtyard.

No Daddy I’m only little that would be silly James Sirius and Albus Severus made that one. LOOK IT’S looking at you through the Window.

AAAAuuuuggghhhh said Harry dropping his coffee, I don’t like wicker men we had a bit of a misunderstanding in the past so maybe we could set fire to them a bit.

As Harry moved away from the window where a large pair of eyes were looking at him Wally the Wicker man was biting his leg and trying to set fire to his shoes with a box of matches. Then Hermione busts into the office and says

Dear God Harry have you seen what those kids of yours have made in the courtyard it’s a bloody great wicker man , its apparently called Wiki the Wicker man what kind of stupid name is that

I thought of that name said Lily Luna bursting into tears which in turn really upsets Wally who shouts stuff at Harry and Hermione which Wiki the Wicker man hears and gets all angry about as he rips out the window of the office.   

I THINK THIS MIGHT BE ONE OF THOSE DARK CLOUDS OF DOOM again says Harry hiding under his desk.


TO BE CONTINUED

LINK TO PART THREE

Saturday, 15 November 2014

Part One of Harry Potter and the Dark Clouds of Doom . . . .



Hogwarts finally appears to have settled down and the headmaster Mr Harry Potter can finally relax and enjoy some of the advantages of bringing up a family in the world of wizards, unaware of the Dark Clouds of Doom far on the horizon.

Dad. . . .

Yes Lily Luna

Why is that man writing about us again, that Mr Rob Z Tobor

I don’t know, I really DON'T know.

Well I DON'T see the point he CAN'T publish any of it and if that nice Miss J K Rowling finds out he is doing it she will sue him and make him destitute and he will have to live on the streets cold and starving. . . .

I don’t think Miss Rowling would do that she is not that sort of person and he is from Scotland

Anyway what does he mean Dark Clouds of Doom far on the horizon?

I’m sure he is just rambling; just ignore him he will go away eventually


Yes but he brought me back to life

But he was meant to do it with lightning and you were meant to have a big bolt through your neck holding your head on, so you went aaaaaaaaaagggggg a lot.

Well that would not have been nice so I am just me.

Its not far I wanted a Frankenstein’s monster dad. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Daaaadddd the cat is flying round the kitchen light

Oh have you been casting spells on the cat again I said not to do it

It’s not my fault the dog flew away . . .  so I had to practice on the cat.

WHAT? . . . .  where is the dog.

Its not fair I want an eagle.  Why CAN'T I have an eagle? I am going to Scream and Scream and scream and scream until I get an eagle.

Outside in the central courtyard Harry’s two sons can hear loud screaming

O No it’s Lily luna again she is on about that bloody eagle again says Albus

I think we should go and find her one I am getting well stressed with all that screaming. Maybe once she has been pecked to bits she will realise what a stupid idea it is.

With that they head of into the Magic Forest where just by luck they stumble across a large eagles nest.

Well that’s a stroke of luck says Albus and look its got a chick in it we could take that back Dad and Lily Luna will be dead pleased. 

As they return home and enter Harry’s office, Harry looks up and says Bloody  ******* . . . . . . . .What the ********* are you doing with that******* it’s a baby Eagle

An Eagle, an eagle, an eagle, an eagle . . . . I love eagles says Lily Luna.

But it is a baby  giant Zombie Eagle look at the size of it . . .  it must be four feet tall. says Harry

We thought it was a bit big says James Sirius Potter.

Big Big . . .  its Huge do you know how big its parents are . . . .

I Love Eagles says Lily Luna . . . . . . .

with that a unearthly sound fills the sky above Hogwarts as the shadow of a huge flying  beast covers the ground

Do you think this might be one of those Dark Clouds of Doom DADDY says Lily Luna


TO BE CONTINUED 

Friday, 14 November 2014

The Final Part (part 4) of Harry Potter and the Penguin


Link to PART THREE


After a quiet night resting at Hogwarts Higgs, Alice and the White Rabbit walk out into the central courtyard to assess the day, it is snowing heavily and Alice and the White Rabbit look up into the greyness of the day. Young Higgs however is watching Hagrid scurrying about looking in holes and under things, it is then that he realises that there are no penguins to be seen anywhere.

Young Higgs says THEY'RE GONE and as he does so Hagrid runs across and says THEY'RE GONE, as the four of them look round a small figure runs into Hogwarts struggling through the snow. It is Bilbo from Bilbo Laggings Ltd, he is exhausted and says I need to see Harry potter straight away its terrible they are destroying the Shires.
Young Higgs asks who is.

It’s the White Witch, three of the Professors and hundreds of thousands of those Penguins, I thought they were cute but no its terrible I CAN'T speak of it but they are coming this way.

As Harry and Hermione come out to see what is happening and Bilbo jibbers his tale at them Alice, the White rabbit and Young Higgs prepare to head off to meet the White Witch out in the open. We are coming too says Hermione I suspect this situation needs some real wizards.

Well I'M not sTaying here says Hagrid I have several cute penguins to look after and I DON'T want them getting hurt in some wizard battle.

As the group head north they eventually find themselves on a snow covered hill where in the far distance they can see movement, tiny specs at first but then the figure of the White Witch, Professor Seriously White Professor Penguinus Webfoot White and Professor John Lewstore White a hunchbacked assistant called Quasimodo and hundreds of thousands of cute fluffy penguins slowly but surely get closer and closer.

As the White Witch and her army arrive at the small band consisting of Young Higgs, Alice, The White Rabbit, Hagrid, Harry Potter and Hermione Granger she laughs HAH AH HAH HA HAH ah ha hah ah hahha ha ha ha ha hah a hah ah ah h ha hahha ha hah ahaah hah ah ah ah ah haa h hah ah h h hah aah in a mad hysterical way and says I plan to distoy the lot of you but I plan to start with that really annoying White Rabbit. . . . I hate White Rabbits.

As she looks at the group she notices that Alice is wearing exactly the same coat as she is. . . WHAT WHERE DID you get that coat How dare you come to a battle wearing the same coat as me I will destroy you next.

AH sorry about that Miss Alice I DIDN'T expect that said Hagrid the White Witch looking very angry at him Anyway your army is an army of cute fluffy rabbits I DON'T think you will get very far with them they are my pals and cute.

The conversation is interrupted by the sound of a boy singing
We're walking in the air
We're floating in a moonlit sky
The people far below
Are sleeping as we fly

As everyone looks up to see what it is they see Jim the cabin boy holding the hand of a snowman flying through the sky above them

Hagrid looks at the Penguins and says Look they are looking all lustful again they like Jim.  But with that the Penguins suddenly fire terrible death lasers from their eyes destroying the snowman and Jim in an instant . . . . . . . . . . AH DAMN I was not expecting that either AH said Hagrid.

As the White Witch Laughs madly again both Harry and Hermione try to cast spells on the White Witch but it proves futile.  She laughs again and the holding her hand out shouting in a very very loud voice

I am INDESTRUCTIBLE you see I have the RING; I Have the Arctic Seal. . . . . .

Well if there is one thing you should never shout out loud in front of a huge group of Penguins it is Arctic Seal and as she does they panic and run about attempting to escape. as they do so the White Rabbit steps forward holding his trusty samurai sword in readiness. The White Witch sends a huge bolt of wizard lightning stuff in a huge arc of lights and fire and smoke which engulfs the White Rabbit as it makes contact with the end of the samurai sword.  The White Witch at first looking very pleased and stark staring mad. But the White Rabbit is not affected and as the huge arc of lightning and wizard stuff flashes and glows between them, then the White Witch starts to char slightly and starts to lift off the ground.

Hermione says I DON'T understand what is happening

Well says Alice the White Rabbit is in fact an Arctic Hare and the power of the ring the so called Arctic seal is the very power that he uses to live. He will just get stronger and he hates the White Witch because all these coats of hers are made from Arctic Hares, the ring knows this also so she is about to die.

As Alice speaks the Witch is spun high into the air screaming and explodes into a million tiny Christmas tree decorations which fall to earth around the group.

Professor Seriously White Professor Penguinus Webfoot White and Professor John Lewstore White run to the woods to hide but a strange roar is heard. What was that says Harry and Alice says I think it was a Jabberwock

As they stand on the hill it stops snowing and in the distance a strange figure wearing a red coat on a sledge pulled by an odd looking beast with antlers and a red nose approaches

HAR HAR HAR  Merry Christmas I be Santa this year HAR HAR HAR says Captain Silver And Lassie be dressed up as Bambi or what ever that reindeer be called.

With the sight of Santa the Penguins know it is time to return to the Antarctic and head off on mass off into the distance to do what penguins do.

Here I do Have one question said Captain Silver Have any of you seen that Scally-wag Jim the Cabin Boy he was making a snowman one minute and then he vanished.

The group all look at one another and shake their heads before they all return to Hogwarts.


The END . . . .or is it . . . .