Thursday, 31 July 2014

The Fickleness of the Public and Cats and Popular Blogs






Last month my blog had a new record page view count of just over 7,500 and I was a well snig (sorry Smug) little blogger dropping this into conversations with the cats as they demanded their dinner. They pretended not to care until I pointed out if they did not look pleased they would get no food, O yes they soon changed there minds then and meowed loads until I fed them after which they lost interest.

Anyway this month I have had just under 9,500 page views, yet another record for me and I have warned the cats they better look pleased or it is lean times ahead for a few days. I have been trying to work out why this has happened and yet again it comes down to the one thing . . . . . . . Sport.  Yes sadly if I mention sport suddenly I get more page views and of course after the world cup I was forced to comment on the Commonwealth Games a bit. I say a bit because I have not done very well doing this and so far have not spotted a single Alien, just that huge spaceship that no one is mentioning that is perched right in the middle of it all. When I say perched I mean landed or it would be a large alien bird of some sort and I think folk would run away screaming rather than pretend it’s some sort of sports complex or some such other silly idea.

Only I am not sure I have any sporting events left to comment on so I may be forced to make up something that sounds like it might really be happening such as the World Ice Juggling championships or the International Scientists Mathematical Cascade Race.  Personally I prefer Aliens and Zombies and the like but the public seem to have abandoned their love of these fine critters and prefer sport. . . . .  It makes you wonder what the world is coming too, before long we will all be fighting each other or dropping dead from strange tropical diseases. . . .


AH DAMN . . . . Still it will soon be Christmas.  

Wednesday, 30 July 2014

A Vampire's Head, an Angle Grinder, A Five Pound Note and a Sheep



Yesterday I mentioned the mysterious arrival of the Stone Vampires head that was not there one minute and then an hour later when we arrived home there it was, sat on the patio. . . . . . . . Well Freaky stuff for sure. However today to add to the strange ambience of strangeness as if by magic what should turn up on the same patio on the little table as if it had been there for weeks, but an angle grinder. Now that really is weird, one day a stone Vampire head the next an angle grinder.

To add to the strangeness of this situation only the other day I mentioned to Mr Charlie I needed an angle grinder to remove the spare wheel on our car which is jammed in place. I will be able to let him know that I don't need it now as one has just turned up out of thin air.

And as final prove that many strange things are happening I found a five pound note in my pocket today, how awesome is that. . . . .

And my attempt at drawing a vampire today turned into a sort of lamb sheep sort of thing. It is these subliminal messages that allow us to work out the great deep routed messages of life and so all I need to do now is work out a message that involves a Vampire's Head, an Angle Grinder, A Five Pound Note and a Sheep . . . . . . . . . Well that should be easy?


AH DAMN  

Tuesday, 29 July 2014

The Strange Tale of the Vampires Head, the Commonwealth Games and the Elephant in the Room



Yesterday saw the strange arrival of a vampire (OK a bit of a vampire), it is a strange vampires head made of stone and plainly prove that vampires must exist. Lets face it no nobody would spend loads of time making a stone head of a vampire unless they had seen one, it would be silly.

It was made by Mr M our old friend who sadly died last November and it used to sit just outside his back door to remind him that Vampires are sneaky beasts and will turn up in the middle of the night with their huge white beard, big sack and big red coat shouting Ho Ho Ho I just need to bite youR neck a bit . . . . .  No I DON'T like carrots, OK yes a Special Brew will do for now . . . .

Now I said the Strange arrival because as I said Mr M died in November last year and when we arrived home after doing good deeds again (a man can do too many good deeds) there it was sitting on the patio smiling at us. Now it was not there when we left and so it must have untold vampire powers that we have not been told about because Stone heads don’t normally just turn up on the patio smiling. I feel this will go down as a great mystery in years to come once I embellish the tale a bit more and add wailing, screams and creatures rustling in the hedge (that’s the noise not stealing sheep or cows).  

I also visited five local villages or towns yesterday so a vampires head turning up is very significant

Today I did some plastering and a bit of painting. . . . I am good at plastering. . . Well when I say good I tell folk I am good at plastering because it's one of the skills folk always go OOOOOooooo No I DON'T do that. . . only I do. People often come into the house and say O MY GOD I can see why you need to re-plaster look at the state of it . . . . . .  



Anyway that is it for news; I keep on keeping an eye out for aliens at the Commonwealth games but with no luck. I notice there is a huge alien spaceship that appears to have landed right in the middle of the games but it is not being mentioned, I assume it is what we would call the elephant in the room. . . . . That’s stupid because it’s plain to all that it’s a spaceship, I wonder if there is a link with the Stone Vampires Head. . . .That nice Mr Steven Spielberg might fancy making an Alien Vampire Sports Film full of men in kilts eating deep fried Mars bars and throwing Neeps and Tatties at the English  

Sunday, 27 July 2014

Zombies, Flower Shows and Speed Limits

Yes sorry its an old picture today 
Cos I have been at a flower show


Well I have survived Sunday at the flower show where I was doing my bit as the go between, between the two parts. One part being the flowers in the village church and the other being the tea, coffee, cake and sandwiches in the village hall. It is hard apparently to find a go between these two buildings as they are on opposite sides of the road, and although very close to each other in a small sleepy village, our small sleepy village does not have a speed limit. So crossing the road can be a bit scary as folk passing through in cars look at the advisory 30mph speed limit sign and then drive through at 60mph plus. It is very inconsiderate of them indeed some have suggested that it might be due to the large beware of the Zombies sign I put up, well that and the two large life like Zombies placed near our one road junction holding axes (that’s the zombies not the junction holding the axes). I thought it best to alert passers by to the possible risk of Zombie attacks. These things always seem to start in small rural communities and it is best to be prepared.

Much to my surprise the village raised nearly two thousand pounds in all which is for the local church. I did suggest that we could make models of the Undead rising out of the ground in the church yard to slow down the motorists but some church folk were thinking it will make matters worse and the vicar did have a look of disapproval. But we gave the vicar huge amounts of cake and biscuits meat and other stuff. So next time he may be a little more Undead friendly or the vicar could be on double portions, he will certainly feel Undead with all that in him.

I have not spotted an alien in the Commonwealth Games yet but that is because of life and the complexities of getting through it in a rational and easy going way.  Involving as few trips across roads where folk are going too fast and seem rather sceptical about Zombies or even ordinary folk meandering along in a chilled and relaxed way.  I think folk need to learn life is not for rushing . . . . . unless running away from a Zombie holding a large axe near a road junction or the Undead are rising in the church yard. . . . . . . . . . . . . . AH DAMN.

Ooooo it was not quite so hot today. . . . PHEW.


And I saw a frog.

Saturday, 26 July 2014

Commonwealth Games and Flower Shows






DAMN I forgot about Rod Stewart, I am not really a great fan of the man but I will say that at the opening ceremony of the Glasgow Commonwealth Games he did a much better job of it that Paul McCartney did at the Olympics. And I was particularly excited by the array of giant Tunnocks Tea Cakes as they ran about all over Celtic Park.  Actually what I thought interesting about that was the rest of the world will not have a clue what a Tunnocks Tea cake is.

OK I am a bit behind as I appear to be busy doing things although not things like making huge statues or solving fundamental mathematical issues, the nearest I am to that is helping move stuff for the local village flower show where flowers are put in the church and folk get tea and sandwiches in the village hall. It is not really me but I was sort of volunteered so being foolhardy and macho I have moved tables and pointed at stuff to help.

Last night we went for a curry with Mr Charlie and Miss Jane and the day before we had afternoon tea with Mr Ian the Musical Hat Maker and rock star and Auntie Karen where we discussed many many important things of importance.

Anyway during the Commonwealth games it is important that Scotsmen look like Scotsmen as everyone else is probably an alien. Although I have not seen many aliens yet but this is due to being busy moving things and pointing in a macho way at other things relating to a flower show.


How is a chap meant to be a wild scary Celtic warrior when I am now associated with flowers? 


Oooooooo and guess where I am just about to go to . . . . . . yes the village flower show. . . . . . . . 

Wish me luck . . . . . Tally Ho.

   

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

The Opening Ceremony of the Glasgow Commonwealth Games





Tonight sees the opening ceremony of the Glasgow Commonwealth Games, and it is hard to predict what sort of things we will see. OK yes we will see endless Athletes parade into the stadium waving and holding flags, in a short of Hey we are not aliens, we are from the Billybotan islands off Papua New Guinea. I know no one knows where that is and that is all part of the cunning trick used by the alien invaders.

Then it all kicks off with Commonwealth sort of based stuff, well when I say stuff I refer to the good bits not the bad bits from the past when folk did some seriously rotten things.

After that there will be much oooooing and Aahhhhing as Scotsmen leap about in kilts and huge inflatable Deep Fried Haggis float above the masses dressed in tartan and waving pointy sticks at the English (that’s the Scots not the inflatable Haggis) .

In fact the Scots are a friendly bunch and will be incredibly friendly to everyone saying things like You are my best mate, you are, or do you want another iron Bru and whisky, I’ve put a goldfish in it you’ll love it.

And there will be surprise visits as celebrity Scotsmen such as Sean Connery. . . Billy Connolly and the Krankies turn up . . . . . . Actually I think my invite may have got lost in the post, I can’t see them starting without sending a helicopter to get me.


Then there will be fireworks and possibly our first sighting of the huge Alien mother Spacecraft before the whole show winds down. Finally ending with free fish suppers all round and a fight (Glasgow is famous for the Glasgow Kiss so a fight is important). Then the Scots will shout   Yer bum’s oot the windae at the English and everyone starts fighting again

Tuesday, 22 July 2014

A useful Guide to the Athletes in the Commonwealth Games (sort of)





Tomorrow Wednesday sees the official start of the Commonwealth Games, a games which we now know will be infiltrated by Aliens from a variety of planets who have their own agenda.  Now I can hear you all ask well exactly how are we going to know if someone has been taken over by an alien? It is not as clear cut as it might seem. Lets face it you are not going to see a strange creature emerging out of the stomach of the winner of the one hundred metres as they cross the finish line. Waving its many arms about in celebration and demanding the National Anthem of the federation of Betamax three.

You see what you need to look for is very subtle, the best indicator that someone is actually an Alien will be the following, use this useful list to keep an eye out for suspects. When I say eye out DO NOT try and remove your eye, its one of those silly sayings again.

1          They will look entirely like an ordinary human being

2         They  are keen on tight fitting lycra or similar material  

3        They do like bling sporty shoes, if you see gold or silver then it’s a dead cert they are alien

4       The likelihood is they are faster longer taller shorter stronger lighter heavier than us normal human beings

5        They smile a lot because they know they are going to win

6        They will probably win. . . . . . When they win they will grab a flag and run about with it in a sort of HEY LOOK I'M NOT AN ALIEN . . . HONEST sort of way. They are Aliens for sure.

7     If things do not go to plan they may throw stuff about, shout a lot or eat passing officials, again this is a sure sign they are Aliens.

8        Some aliens have a thing about spots, if you see anyone wearing outfits with spots then they are ALIENS. The same is true of stripes but they prefer spots.


 So armed with this useful (short and concise) Rough Guide to Aliens it should be easy to spot Aliens during the Commonwealth Games and support your favourite.


And remember it is bad form to shout TAKE ME TO YOU LEAPER as the triple jumpers are just about to set off.

    
Somehow this made me think of President Putin

Sunday, 20 July 2014

The Commonwealth Games, the virus and Professor Quatermass



As I have previously said I am not a huge fan of sport, or even a slightly enthusiastic fan of sport, but the terrible thing is that my blog gained a significant increase in page views when I did my in depth diary entries of the football world cup.  Of course much of what I reported was unverifiable and if you ask any of the teams about the use of Androids now they will look at you blankly and say what Androids . . . . . They can’t fool me though.

With that in mind and the Commonwealth Games about to start some time jolly soon (I think) I have decided that I need to look into the rumours of sports folk being taken over by Aliens (as mentioned previously also). Yes it sounds unlikely but there are good reasons why this is not as far fetched as it may seem. Firstly in the last week there have been many stories of a virus in the Athletes village where they are all staying. This virus has been spreading and I believe that a certain Professor Quatermass has been secretly smuggled into Glasgow to stop the Aliens (sorry virus) taking over.

A second and rather important point is that Sports people will willingly let themselves be taken over by aliens as the extra secret powers of the aliens mean they are more likely to win and or at least eat competitors who might be seen as a threat to their medal chances. A bonus in this is they will pass all the drug tests which are designed to check for banned drugs not banned Aliens.


So with all this sport about to put the Commonwealth and Glasgow centre stage I would be a fool not to use it to my own advantage to get the masses to visit to obtain cutting edge news about sport (I mean Aliens) and propel me back into the limelight as a blogging genius (OK I am a bit modest to admit I’m a genius, but its true). . . .

Saturday, 19 July 2014

Painting Walls and Watching Lightning (or was it the other way round)




So what did I do today, I painted a bit and pondered a bit and turned all our computers on and off a lot due to the passing rumbling of thunder. Thunder in itself is not an issue but the lighting is; the computers here are old and a bit battered and a bolt of lightning would not do them any good whatsoever.   It is interesting that lightning is so damn noisy, why does that happen, sure there is a lot of electricity, but electricity is not normally noisy unless it is attached to say a large PA system a couple of miles away in the Castle of the Bishop. As is the case tonight meaning as the wind drifts in our direction so the distorted sounds of music float across the hill and through the trees. Interestingly these sounds can counteract each other and if the electricity of the lightning and the electricity of the loud PA system were to meet the result would be silence, possibly after a bit of a bang and a bit of a scream.  


I have also loosened the screws on a door and have done a small plastering repair job, it is good to do these little things, in fact I think when I look at the bigger picture of the world at present it is clear that the one thing I have control of (OK maybe not total control of) is what colour the walls are.  The world is a bittersweet place at present and there is a lot of anger, hate, war and sadness and I am lucky that I can change the colour of our walls and outwit Zombies, Aliens and Pirates in the woods.  I wish you all well and hope you also get to paint the walls the colours you like.

Please note the British spelling of colour not that odd American one.

Friday, 18 July 2014

Malaysian Plane (flight MH17), Russia, Ukraine and Politics and Truth



its a small world


As we all know, yesterday a Malaysian Plane (flight MH17) was apparently shot down over an area of Ukraine held by the Pro Russian Ukrainians with what is thought to be a Russian supplied ground to air missile system. And although they deny it the overwhelming evidence supports this view.  One could argue it is foolish to supply such a weapon to a rag tag amateur army who have appeared to be somewhat trigger happy in recent times. The Russians however would argue that they are supporting their colleagues over the border against the puppets of the decadent western powers.

We would have to assume that this was in many ways a terrible accident and that they really did think that the plane was a Ukrainian Transport plane, but it is no less sad and appalling for that.  However what I find just as bad is that, even though Russia must know who did this they seem to blame the Kiev Government for what happened. They are saying that it happened because the Ukrainians who want closer links to the west are attacking the pro Russian Ukrainians.  Interestingly they are not saying that the Pro Russian Ukrainians did not do it, and to me President Putin statement yesterday seemed very chilled, I am glad he is not my leader, although I am not a fan of the one I have either or the potential future ones.

Wars are not nice, terrible thing have and will always happen, but it does not mean that people should not be brought to account for their actions when it is possible to do so. The innocent with no say or involvement should not die or be tortured because of the power struggles of others.  Maybe the people of power such as President Putin should consider morality a little more and be honest about events like this and tell the truth.  


I live in ever declining hope that one day the human race will be better than it presently is, 

Wednesday, 16 July 2014

A Perplexing Anomaly about Sport, Aliens and Popularity



I am not a person who has a huge amount of interest in sport, something that may (or may not) be clear from my coverage of the Football World Cup and if you delve back into the deaths (sorry Depths) of my diary, the Olympics.  This is a personal thing, I don't mind if folk get excited by sport, I even have known folk who like sport so much they will have it on the television even when they are not in the room watching it.   But there is an odd thing linked to my coverage of these sporting events in my own rather offbeat way (although every word is true-ish), yes it appears I get far more pageviews on my blog.

So what makes the masses choose my blog to get the latest news of these sporting competitions? Many would say they learn absolutely nothing from my blog; OK they did learn the entire world cup was manipulated by Dave the Elvis Impersonator and won by German Androids. . . . . And the World Cup is probably not the Holy Grail. 

My main worry now is that in order to continue to see growth in the blog I will be forced to comment on more sport, but I am not a great fan of sport so I am more than a little perplexed by this strange state of affairs. Will I be forced to rely on the Commonwealth Games to perpetuate the excitement of the masses? And reveal that certain sports have been taken over by Aliens stealing the bodies of the unsuspecting sports people. . . it is a strong possibility.

Anyway the Ghost Writer spent his day in the office pondering the virtues of computers and using his own set of unique tools to perform tasks that other IT folk think of as plain stupid or blatant vandalism.  And as myself and the Ghost Writer are physically and mentally bonded together in a way that can only be described as diabolically indescribable, much like those Commonwealth Athletes that have been taken over by Aliens.  What this means is, when the Ghost Writer is knackered (so to speak. . . sorry small children your parents will explain) so am I. . . .

Therefore that’s your lot I’m off. . . I hate computers. 
     
.

Tuesday, 15 July 2014

The F Word. The Devil and a Moorhen



Well its over and we will not mention the F Word again . . . . . NO not that F Word, but the Football F Word. Now look I have mentioned it again and it is entirely the fault of you lot, but that is it once and for all (Well until next time).

So what happened today. . . . . . . I played football. . . . .HAH AH HA HA HA HAH HA hah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha hah ah a hah ah ah ah ahha hah ah ha haha hahah ah ah ah ah aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha . . . . . OK only kidding. No I woke up this morning to the voice of Radio Four and the Today programme; sometimes it is full of interesting snippets of information and news and sometimes it is not.  They waffled through the latest government reshuffle and the news that the folk of Gaza and Israel hate one another loads, well the powers at the top do; plus and the problems of loads of us getting old rather than dying just before we get to retire.

They then suddenly announced that the Church of England is doing away with the Devil, apparently he will no longer exist and we will just have evil instead. I am not entirely sure what it is connected with, but my old mate Napoleon Beelzebub (the Devil) will be well annoyed, you just cant go round saying he does not exist its not fair. After all he does not go round making folk be evil he just sort of smiles and prods them loads with pointy sticks when they turn up at the door in the afterlife.  As he says folk always say . . . . it was the devil he made me do it. . . . But they are lying he merely ensures they don’t have fun in the afterlife, and would argue that some folk would see him as very useful. There are some folk in the world who are simply bad and Mr Beelzebub ensures that they spent eternity NOT having a good time. OK he has nicked all the good music but that’s not his fault, God has always been a bit more Val Doonican than Ozzy Osbourne . . . .


Anyway as a sort of sign that I am entirely right when I got up and sat and ate my breakfast a Moorhen walked past the window and half an hour later I saw a Narrow-bordered Bee Hawk-moth. . . . . . . You can’t argue with that Church of England people, I think you need to give us back my old mate the devil (Napoleon Beelzebub).    

Monday, 14 July 2014

The very final Word on the Brazil 2014 Football World Cup




The 2014 Brazil World Cup has ended now and normality returns, which is my case has turned out to be cutting the grass. This is a mighty fall; only the other day I thought I had got my hands on the Holy Grail and planned to become a slightly friendly evil ruler of everyone in the entire world, with the help of the trusty band of RATs (Radical Abstract Thinkers).  I noticed that the Androids of the Knights Templar have had a terrible shock today when they realized the World Cup is not the Holy Grail and that they had been tricked by the Elvis Impersonator called Dave from Wolverhampton who pretended to be the Pope and implanted the idea in their minds that the World Cup was the Holy Grail. He . . .  it turned out had a bet on Germany to win for huge sums of money and was going to use any means possible to achieve his Goals (no pun intended again). So it seems the entire Football World Cup has been controlled by a man called Dave. All I can say is that once you know that somehow it loses it sparkle a bit, OK I am not a football fan and it did not have much sparkle for me, even less that the Elvis Impersonator. It’s a bit like the entire formula one racing circus being controlled by a man called Bernie  . . . . . . . . AH DAMN.  OK it could be worse he could be named after one of the Goons . . . . . . AH DAMN again.

So now the German Androids of the Knights Templar has melted into the Amazon Forest to continue their eternal quest and the world . . .OK Britain . . . OK Scotland gets ready for the next sporting event The Commonwealth Games.  . . . . . . . .HANG ON that Queens Baton looks a bit Holy Grail-ish . . . . . I wonder.

I did notice today that the Sports Press on the BBC have said what a great Football World Cup it has been and they have enjoyed every minute of their time at the matches, the luxury hotel, food drink and trips all on expenses . . . . . . . NO NO I KNOW I am just a grumpy cynical spoilsport (no pun intended).


Ooooooo yes I will be drumming tonight so normality is BACK, and I did see that Super Moon on Saturday and Sunday it was awesome.  

Sunday, 13 July 2014

The Final Analysis of the 2014 Brazil World Cup and its achievements.




As the long reaching arms of the Knights Templar inevitably encircle the Holy Grail (World Cup) and the world watches knowing there is nothing they can do to stop it now (you will need to read this if you do not understand why). Little do they realise what I have discovered, which now makes their efforts futile. You see we need to look at the achievements of the World Cup as a competition in the cold light of day.


So what exactly has the 2014 Brazilian World Cup achieved as the two final teams (Argentina and Germany) face one another in their true colours?

Have the people of Brazil been left proud knowing that although they did not win, their team played like they loved football, like they did as kids on the beach pretending to be Pele or Jairzinho, running up the pitch being creative and taking risks . . . . . . .  AH NO.

Did it help to solve the terrible inequality and poverty that still exists in Brazil. . . . . . AH NO.

Were the ordinary folk of Brazil able to get tickets rather than them being all sold off at huge profits to the rich corporate bodies and the like. . . . AH NO.

Will the World Cup legacy help Brazil in the future. . . . . . . AH NO

Did it help just a little towards World Peace and understanding, a competition of true sportsmanship   . . . . . . . AH NO.

Has it made the World a better place . . . . . . . AH NO.

Is it the taking part not the winning that is important. . . . . . . . AH NO

Has the corporate world taken over the event so that it has become a money making machine for a few from advertising and appealing to corporate greed and elitism of the few. . . . . . AH YES.

So it is clear that the World Cup can not be the Holy Grail, but just a lump of gold or the whole competition would be an open, harmonious, and happy event without all that money stuff lurking in the background and all the secret wheeler dealing leading to suspicion of greed and corruption and a few men on a power trip.

So now I need to work out exactly where that Holy Grail is before you know who starts sending its Androids after me.


What’s that you say Skippy . . . . . . The old Funfair near Stockdale . . . . . . . Surely not

Saturday, 12 July 2014

2014 Brazilian World Cup . . . Netherlands v Brazil, The Wicker Man. . . And the villagers painting expedition



In our little village community today it was paint day when we all rallied round and headed off to the Village Hall armed with paint brushes and painted. Well that was sort of the plan only it was a lovely sunny day and when we arrived there was just one other person. But we were closely followed by someone else who had arrived to do running repairs on the building; when I say running I do not mean he was running it is one of those silly saying and refers to the building . . . Not that it was running either. So the four (well three) of us started painting the entrance hall as our numbers were a bit less than anticipated. After a while we then lost one of our painters as they had to go off elsewhere and then after a bit longer we lost the repair man as he had to do stuff and also has to get up at 2.00am in the morning to do other stuff. I wonder what sort of stuff a man in a striped T-shirt, wearing a mask, and carrying a large crowbar does at 2.00am. . . . .  And why is a crowbar called a crowbar is it designed to dislodge crows from crevices where they have become stuck?

 So we were then down to two painters which was not exactly what was planned so once the entrance hallway was done we decided that was it, and the other jobs would have to wait. I’m sure the locals will turn up on mass soon enough, bearing pointy sticks, pitch folks and fiery torches looking for an unsuspecting passer by to tie into the Wicker Man before feasting and painting the men’s and ladies toilets. 

There are rituals and funny ways in the country and it does not do to question the reasoning at times, it is always best to cheer and join in. Unless of course you are an unsuspecting passer by walking the Shropshire Way and find yourself tied inside a Wicker Man while folk prod you with pointy sticks and set fire to the large bonfire the Wicker Man is on top of. 


Anyway that was what I did today . . . . . . . . I was wondering if it would help the Netherland football team (My Disheartened Androids) if I tied an unsuspecting passer by into a Wicker footballer and set fire to him. I know it’s too late for the final and my chance to rule the world but at least they would cheer up if they beat Brazil seven one like those German Androids. . .    


Friday, 11 July 2014

The least important football match in the World Cup (Brazil 2014)




As many of you know I have been reporting the news from the world cup in Brazil over the last couple of weeks and the slightly bizarre truth behind the veiled illusion that it is a sporting event to find the best football nation in the world.  As if the general public are likely to be taken in by such a far fetched tale. One thing I had forgotten though after the terrible defeat of my Androids when they lost out in the penalty shootout against Argentina is that there is a play off for third and forth position. Yes I know I don’t see the point of it either, not now the Knights Templar have as good as got their hands on the World Cup (Holy Grail).

 My Androids (the Netherlands Team) are very despondent, they know they have let me down and I did turn one into a Ballet Dancer and one into a small Beast for refusing to take penalties.  And Brazil as we know are very despondent as they were beaten to a pulp by the German Androids of the Knights Templar.  So tomorrow the Netherlands and Brazil have to play yet one more game of football which will not help either in any way and certainly will not help me rule the world. 

Even my little scam to sell a few tickets for the match to folk for a slightly inflated price has not gone well. Mr Ray Gun it appears has had to do a bit of a runner when he told everyone that Brazil was in the final; not the third fourth position playoff, and it was all a bit of a mistake caused by a Butterfly flapping its wings in the heart of the Amazon Jungle. Which is as we all know the origin of Chaos theory, and the reason that Brazil plan to chop it down and create a car park in readiness for the next Olympics.  No one wants chaos during the Olympics so those Butterflies need to go.

Ooooooooo apparently the government plan to ban folk chewing Cats. . . . . . . I know it’s a bit odd

Thursday, 10 July 2014

2014 Brazilian World Cup The Final Conspiracy



I did not watch the world cup match between Argentina and the Netherlands last night as I was rather tired, but knew that my trusty Androids would easily defeat those Argentinians, after all, the German Androids had done the very same thing just the day before against Brazil. However I woke up to discover they had lost and on the penalty shootout. I then heard on the BBC News that the first two Androids asked to take penalties had panicked and said NO, unnerving the entire team. They have ruined my plans now and I will not be the ruler of the entire World forcing the very nice Steven Spielberg to make the blockbuster film of the book of the blog diary of me Rob Z Tobor.  I have since received a telegram from the very nice Steven Spielberg that read . . . . . . .  HAH AH AH AHAH AH AH AHHA HAHA HA HAH AH AHAHHAH AH Ha So I will not be making the film after all. Now I suggest you stop annoying me and go away. . HA HAHAH AH HAH AH HA HAH AH hah ah ah ah ah ha hah ahah hah aah ha hah  . . . . . . . . . . . .  Its OK I known he does not mean it and will come round to the idea very soon. 

I have realized though that the final is a fix, the Netherlands were doomed even with my Androids playing. You see the Germans as we all now know have been infiltrated by the Androids of the Knights Templar who are after the Holy Grail (world Cup). And as we all Know, who do they see as their head man, none other than the Pope and where does the present Pope come from, Argentina. Add to this the fact that the previous German Pope resigned to let the Present Argentinian  Pope take over in time for the world cup and we have one seriously big conspiracy theory, after all where is the one place on earth that you could hide the World Cup (Holy Grail). . . . . . . Yes the Vatican. No international police of any sort will get into there.

So it appears that the German team and the Argentinian  teams are in it together, I bet some of the Argentinian players are Androids of the Knights Templar and that would explain why my Dutch Androids were a bit off form.

However just so they know who the boss is I have reconfigured the two Androids who refused to take the first penalty for the Netherlands as a warning not to do such things again.    

OOooooooo and those compromising pictures of the Pope I planned to Blackmail the Argentinean Manager with were fakes planted by the Knights Templar to lull me into a false sense of security. They have turned out to be an Elvis Impersonator called Dave from Wolverhampton. . . .  Well He will have some explaining to do tomorrow to the press.


If Argentina win the World cup all I can say is it’s the hand of God and the whole match is rigged.  

Wednesday, 9 July 2014

The Reason Why Brazil Lost 7 goals to 1 against Germany



Do you remember back on the 19th June I explained all about the Origin of Androids and how they were created by Augustus Von Androidus, then later on the 21stJune I reported the shock news that the German football team were playing an Android in their team and were firstly disqualified but later reinstated.  Then we learnt that the Androids of Augustus Von Androidus were in fact created for the Knights Templar to search for the Holy Grail. Things got more complex when I accidently let slip that the entire team of the Netherlands were androids planted by me (an Evil Genius) to steal the World Cup (Holy Grail) . . . . Yes the World Cup IS the Holy Grail (Honest).

And then on the 1st July we learnt that the Goat men of the Cameroon were using Voodoo to manipulate games as part of a huge betting scam.

Well last night saw what happens when the German team plays a team of Androids from the Knights Templar against the unsuspecting human forces of the Brazil football team. They have done this because the Knights Templar are convinced my own Androids disguised as the Netherlands team is going to win and it is now a battle of wits to get hold of the Holy Grail (World Cup). What really was the final downfall of Brazil was that the Goat Men of Cameroon had bet 200 to 1 on a seven goals to one German win so not only did they have to play Androids but they were under a Voodoo spell and stood no chance. 

Luckily for me the Goat Men have made a killing and will be partying long into the night for months to come and so have no plans to affect the last couple of matches. And as we all know I have sent compromising pictures of the Pope to the Argentinean Manager and hinted that maybe a two one win for the Netherlands would see them destroyed or else the Pope will be saying a lot in Latin.

So the Holy Grail will soon be all mine and my plans to rule the world are coming along nicely. I just hope you all like ice cream and Duvets and accurate clocks

Tuesday, 8 July 2014

The Return of President Putin





There is something slightly odd about a clock that has a rather flat battery, when I say flat I refer to the power of the battery rather than a squashed one. Clocks tend to be a device of certainty something we trust and rely on while they rotate. Of course every now and again we come across one that is stopped but that is OK because it is stopped and as we know a stopped clock is in general of little use.

However a clock with a nice big friendly face and hands that are ticking away as they should; should be correct, if it was correct last time it was looked at, not at least half an hour slow. So it was that our trip to collect President Putin from our friend, an artist and Member of Plaid Cymru got off to a slightly sudden start when every other clock in the house chimed a chirpy Half Past Ten. I have always been told it is not good to make President Putin wait, which is slightly unfair as I have a feeling he has a habit of doing that very thing to other important people at times.

Anyway we got to collect Mr Putin right on time and he never noticed a thing, despite going what is called here in Britain at least . . . . . The Pretty Way. . . . .  I am not sure if this is a term used in other parts of the world but it generally refers to either getting lost or taking the very long route to your destination.  This can happen when the driver of the vehicle goes into auto pilot and only realizes the error of his way when the passengers ask in a quizzical way WHERE ARE WE GOING? Ghost Writers make rubbish chauffeurs . . . and Ghost Writers as it happens.   

We have also seen Miss Jo who had her Birthday today and I ate fairy cake and ginger cake and another cake, so I have eaten three cakes today so that is quite good.


I sure you will all be pleased to hear President Putin in Hanging on the wall again now where he belongs. . . . . . .

Monday, 7 July 2014

A quiet day

I have had a quietish day today which involved two wheels, a long device that cuts things, but it refused to start,  a few hungry goldfish I am trying to turn into the longest goldfish in the world and a man who said I could have 17 tyres. 

However I am also somewhat tired (not tyred) so I have decided to do what I did the other night and recycle an old post. I have written over one thousand posts so a bit of recycling is a cunning trick. Lets face it at least fifty percent of all television is recycled and no one complains, OK yes everyone complains but it still happens so it will still happen here.

So here we have an old fairy tale one I wrote when I was desperate as nothing had happened that day and I just started typing as I do sometimes (OK always). . . Well I mean who really knows what they are going to write before they write it. . . . NO one  . . . . NO I dont believe you, you make it up just like me.


Ooooo yes I have to collect President Putin tomorrow.

Ooooooooo again. . . . It appears that while I have been typing this, a car has crashed and rolled at the end of our drive. I have just been up to see what happened but the fire engine police ambulance and all the neighbours are there so I have returned home.  I never heard a thing and only a phone call and lots of blue lights alerted us to the events. But there are lots of folk there and one more spectator is not required.  

My Trusty White Falcon 


 The Greatest Fairy Tale of all time
Icy Black and the Seven Giants

Once upon a time there was a grumpy young prince called Icy Black who would wander about the castle of his step-father the King muttering and complaining at crows and seagulls and some of the servants; who would say things like if you grump like that young master Black the wind will change direction and you will be grumpy for life and look like a big Frog. Prince Icy Black would always shout GOOD and stamp about until someone gave him ice cream to keep him quiet. His step-father, King Arthur had a large round table (a talking table) and each day he would ask it table,table in the hall who is the happiest of them all, and the table would always say KING ARTHUR.

Then as Prince Icy Black got older he started to really get on the nerves of everyone with his constant grumpiness and then one day when King Arthur said table,table in the hall who is the happiest of them all the table said Boris the Greengrocer, the King was shocked and asked the table why and of course it was because after nineteen years of grumpiness Prince Icy Black was making everyone unhappy. 

The King thought OK I have had enough of this and sent Prince Icy Black into the forest and gave the nod to the knights to sort of chop his head off. But once in the forest Prince Icy Black complained so much the knights forgot about killing him and stuck cotton wool in their ears and ran back to the castle.

Then as it got dark and prince Icy Black was moaning he was cold and hungry he came across a huge house, as he pushed the door open he was confronted by seven giants who looked at him and complained and grumped for at least an hour about strangers turning up and leaving doors open and not wearing matching shoes.

It turned out that the seven giants were even grumpier than Prince Icy Black which made him very happy so it was a bit of a shock several weeks later when King Arthur asked the round table table,table in the hall who is the happiest of them all the table said Prince Icy Black. Everyone at the castle thought O NO he might come back so a plot was hatched and an apple was laced with a magic sleeping potion and one of the knights returned to the forest where he made a tower of five apples outside the house of the seven giants. Of course Prince Icy Black could not resist saying he was going to eat the bottom apple destroying the tower, but as he did so he fell asleep and snored really loudly.

When the seven giants returned from their day job of guarding a small village from a group of Japanese samurai bandits they thought, we cant cope with all that snoring so put Prince Icy Black in a sound proof glass box in the woods.  As time passed everyone lived happily until one day a passing princess saw Prince Icy Black and thought Ooooooo I know I will kiss him, and all in an instant he turned into a huge frog and got in a right strop leaping about shouting, so the princess ran off. After chewing a few flies Prince Icy Black thought I know I will go and see King Arthur he will be pleased to see me.


The End . . . . . . . . . . . . Or is it

Sunday, 6 July 2014

The Netherlands World Cup (Holy Grail) Quest still on track at the 2014 Brazilian World Cup



As some or all or none of you will know I have a master plan to get my hands on the Holy Grail (World Cup) and rule the world, however Mr F has popped up to visit for the weekend so I sort of took my eye of the ball. No pun intended.  Then last night as I was drawing a new picture of Peeliam Orangeman the famous God of The Netherlands and the reason all their sportsmen wear bright orange, I was given some shocking news. Mrs Ghost Writer was checking FB while we were all chatting and told me that the Son of Mr M had put up a message to say the Netherland football team were goners and out of the world cup.

WHAT . . . .  That was terrible because they are my secret team of Androids the team built to win the World Cup (Holy Grail) for me so I can use the powers of the Holy Grail (World Cup) to rule the world like all evil genius’s are meant too.  And besides I had just finished Drawing Peeliam Orangeman the famous God of The Netherlands only minutes before. So I rushed to the computer and went to view the BBC News to find out what had happened. It said the score was Nil Nil and that they were playing a penalty shootout.  I needed to know so I hit the live link only to discover the penalty shootout was happening right there in front of my eyes. I shouted at my Androids and pointed at my drawing of Peeliam Orangeman the famous God of The Netherlands and warned them that they would all be dismantled if they lost and the Androids of the Knights Templar would steal the Holy Grail (World Cup) and my evil plan would be ruined.

Luckily it did the trick the Netherlands are still there doing what they were designed for, and my cunning trick to ensure Brazil are scuppered sending their main man to hospital in a well practiced accident went like clockwork. . . . .HAH AH HA HA Hah ah ah ah ah ha aha h ah ha ah ah ahah hahha ha.

As for the Argentinean team I have sent several compromising pictures of the Pope to the Manager of the Argentinean Football Manager suggesting that he insures his team loses or the Pope will have a lot of explaining to do.  

So it is just a matter of time now until the Netherlands wins the 2014 Brazilian World Cup and I Rob Z Tobor get hold of the Holy Grail (World Cup) and everyone will call me Emperor Rob Z Tobor and gravel (sorry Grovel) a lot. . . . . . . .  OK I will be a bit nice to some folk. . . . . . . OK YES I will be nice to Everyone.

HAH AHAH AHAH HAhah ah ha ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah hha ha ha ha ha hah ah ah a ha Hha ha hah ah a  AHAH AHAH AH AHAH AH AH AH AH AH AHAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAH AH A HA HAH AH ha hah ah ah ah ah ah ah hahaha h ha hah h ah ah hahah hahah ha hah ah aha h hhah                haha ha ha ha.


So Please do not put misinformation on FB it can be rather stressful. 

Friday, 4 July 2014

4th July . . . . A friendly Message from Britain


OK I am not good at drawing flags 



Today is the 4th of July a day that is celebrated in the USA as Independence Day, a day when I am told America leaps about, lets off fireworks and folk stand about being patriotic. Here in Britain folk carry on as normal unless it is Sunday in which case they all go to IKEA.

Us British have always wondered why our American friends decided they were not happy being a colony of Britain, after all the ordinary man in the street such as myself is a fairly nice sort of chap and in general find Americas a nice bunch who almost speak half decent English. In fact it would be true to say that more English understand Americans than a Glaswegian just a few miles up the road in Scotland.  The American accent being sort of a cross between Middle England and Middle Australian, probably because they live in the land between these two great countries. American is more a group of small countries known as States so is sort of a bit like Europe really only they fight less and don’t insult their adjoining states like we do in Europe.  

Of course the good folk of the USA do have one or two odd anomalies that we notice from time to time when they come to visit the old homeland. They do seem to spell some words a bit oddly, however I do that all the time so I understand how that can happen. And they do seem to like the Queen and all the Royals, a bit odd when they were so keen to get rid of them in the first place. Ironically there are many folk in Britain who would love to get rid of the Royals and would happily sell a few to the USA.  I have also heard them imply that their Zombies and Monsters are better than our Zombies and Monsters, well that is just plain silly everyone knows European Monsters are superior to all by a long way.  And we all know that a nice cup of tea and crab paste sandwiches in an old Lyons Café can not be compared with MacDonald’s, it is a foolish thing to even attempt. When was the last time you saw the corner of your Big Mac curling up in the sun and getting crusty while a gang of little old ladies pondered the iced buns.

Anyway I hope you lot over in the USA have enjoyed your day, and if you ever feel you would like to rejoin us we are happy to share a nice tea party (not that one but the one where you drink tea in the garden) with you………… . . . .


Ooooooo It rained today and I cut a hedge and ate food.