Sunday, 31 March 2013

The Spy Ring and the Alphabet


AH I have arrived a bit late to say the least today, but then it is hardly surprising because someone moved all the clocks, but it is all part of a great master plan. You see my diary exists in two places in cyberspace at present, one is known by the initials FB and the other is called a blog.  Now those of you who follow what I get up to in some detail will know (on the blog anyway) is that in April I am doing a thing called the A to Z challenge, it is where a group of bloggers (about 1500 or so) write a post on a theme for each letter of the alphabet. So the 1st April tomorrow will be A and then the next day B and so on although not Sundays. Those of you on FB will not be aware of this as it is in fact all cover for a huge Spy Ring working undercover and unknown to MI6 and the CIA . . . . . . . . . . AH . . . . . DAMN yes sorry about that everyone. Anyway everything is in code and MI6 will never crack it so it’s OK,  I am writing the A to Z of fairy tales but not just any fairytales, because these are the eccentric fairy tales of Rob Z Tobor and will be the best secret coded spy fairy tales in the World.



In other news I got to eat a bit of a chocolate rabbit (he did not suffer), attacked the buttercups with a pickaxe (they did not suffer, much) and stuck some wood on a wall. Sadly this may be the last real news from me until May so it does mean I will not know what I did in April when I look back in the future but I may just remember that it was jolly cold……..

So for the next month I will be writing fairy tales in code if you read me on FB  . . . . Normal service will resume soon-ish. . . . . Well as normal as it ever gets anyway.

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Saturday, 30 March 2013

The Evolution of Fudge, Fish and other Critters


There is good and bad today, the good is that Miss I and Mr S called by with a chocolate bunny for us to eat, good for us bad for a chocolate bunny. At the time I was just about finished weeding part of the garden with a pickaxe; that might seem a bit extreme against the humble buttercup, but these are mutant buttercups and they eat all sorts of stuff from small fish to fudge and most things in-between. Interestingly genetically, if you look at the DNA of fish and Fudge you find that fish are higher up the evolutionary ladder than fudge and yet we are told that life started in the sea.  I asked the dog about this but he said “evolution is all a bit of a fudge” and then fell about in hysterics on the kitchen floor, I am assuming he might mean all life originated from fudge. It is certainly a thought to chew over next time you are in the sweetie shop.



Sorry what was I saying AH yes good and bad, the bad is the clocks in the UK all shift forward an hour tonight meaning I loose an hour in bed, I have looked in my bed for the missing hour many times but so far without any luck HAH HAHAHH HAH Hah ah hah ah hah ahhah hahh hah ah hah ahh ahah hahah  . . . . . . Mum just said IDIOT.

And it was sunny today but cold so I spent much of the day hiding clocks in what I am told is a futile effort to stop time. If only I had a pound for ever time someone has said that to me I would have about a pound (well 50p). HAH HAHHAH HAHH hah ahh ah hahahh hah hah DAMN mum has said IDIOT again……

OK that’s it for tonight I am off to chill and do stuff near a warm fire as it is chilly.


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Friday, 29 March 2013

The Definitive History of Good Friday and Everything.


It is Good Friday today and I have to say I am a little puzzled by all this because although I am not a religious eccentric child of cyberspace I do know it was not the best day for Jesus (that’s Jesus as in THE Jesus and not Jesus as in Mr ESB’s friend in the diner in Texas).  So there must be an explanation as to why it is good. And bearing in mind it was not a good day in religious terms it is time to ponder other reasons why it might be good.  One lucky coincidence is that Good Friday is a national holiday in a huge number of countries which gives those who are religious the opportunity to go to church, if it was a normal working day (OK it is these days for many) it would be tricky. And it gives us in the west an opportunity to eat loads of chocolate in the shape of eggs and rabbits, although this is good it is also confusing, because I do know that rabbits don’t lay eggs. Ducks lay eggs but you seldom see a chocolate duck, although you might duck if someone throws an egg at you which would not be good.


 We could ask ourselves the old question . . . . . . . . which came first the rabbit or the egg, but that might confuse things even more so what is all this all about, why do we need to know and even more worrying why have I not got any Easter Eggs this year.

OK it appears we have overlapping stuff going on and history dictates that events of importance that are commemorated each year will over long periods of time be subject to clustering. So important pre Christian events and important Christian events will cluster to end up on the same day (its far more practical), thus the fertility rites of the ancient Celts leaping about in the early spring waving eggs, rabbits and hares about and the religious events of Easter end up on the same day, even if they originally were not. Then it all gets confused and no one can remember which bit of which ceremony is connected to which, resulting in loads of folk getting angry when they see chocolate Popes for sale and Druids being chased out of IKEA.

So there you have it Good Friday is an anomaly of Historic events from the Christian religions of relatively modern history right back to the old rituals of pre history, and spring is the start of the warm weather (well it should be) in the northern hemisphere, add some dodgy translation over time as a few re writes of both historic and religious books and the odd tweek  to stuff to suit the powers that be and you are left with only one certainty in life, The diary of Rob Z Tobor the definitive history of everything in the year 2525. 


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Thursday, 28 March 2013

Icicles, Old Fred and a Sherbet Bon Bon and Conceptual Art


It was only yesterday that I was saying that I would easily win this year’s icicle contest at the local fete in August and already today I have had a disaster, after a great start at breakfast where the icicles were award winning size and I was dreaming of the gold rosette and my prize money of 25 pence. You never enter a village fete contest in Britain to win your fortune, it all about the glory of beating Old Fred up the road who has won for the last twenty five years using his secret manure, a recipe handed down over millions of years.

So there I was proudly watching my prize winning icicles when they were struck by a change in the weather which caused an outbreak of thaw, it was terrible within a time frame of less that an hour they had all vanished. Even as I ate breakfast they were falling and smashing on the ground. My only thought was what would Old Fred do, so I phoned him, I thought he is not a nasty old malicious grumpy bloke who would stoop to low underhand tactics to ensure he always wins the icicle contest at the local fete. So I explained to Old Fred what had started to happen and there was a long silence then hysterical laughter and then we got cut off. I don’t know what happened, I tried ringing back straight away but there was no answer.

An hour or so later Old Fred called round to say he was just popping in to make sure my icicles were gone, and then said how terrible it was before he wondered off again. I was planning to ask how he managed to save his but by then he was laughing hysterically again and pointing at a clean empty gutter devoid of icicles.  I am not sure that Old Fred has entered into the spirit of village life in quite they way I was told the locals did. 

 

 In other news I have dismantled the art class wall today as part of a piece of performance art, the art teacher said he wanted to see something new and innovative, not just another picture to hang on the wall painted in cheap school water colours. But then he got called away because his dad who it turned out was called Old Fred had chocked on a Sherbet Bon Bon while telling Mrs Old Fred about an unfortunate incident in the village that he thought was highly amusing, but sucking a Sherbet Bon Bon while laughing and waving your hands about is not a good idea.

So while Young Fred the art teacher was off giving Old Fred the heinrich maneuver we were left to fend for ourselves. And we all thought if we dismantled the art class if would be a brilliant piece of conceptual art and Young Fred would not have to worry about hanging up all those dodgy pictures of the school goat ever again. As it happened Young Fred did not get back to school until after our class had finish art and was in the Maths class. But it appears he was unable to find his class and when he went to see the Headmaster the Headmaster shouted a lot. Young Fred did ask us if we had seen his class but Esmeralda told him that it had thawed . . . . . . . . .HA HAHHAH HAH Hah ah hhahhaahha ah hhah ha hah ahhah ah ahhah hahahhah 

              
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Wednesday, 27 March 2013

Super-dooper all singing and dancing databases, ducks and cats


The Ghost Writer has been involved in technical things today involving his skills as an IT guru as he tried to keep the majority of folk in his office or should I say offices happy. This is not entirely easy at present with the looming arrival of the new super-dooper all singing and dancing national database. However the Ghost Writer is a cynical chap and as he says super-dooper all singing and dancing databases almost without fail, do in fact fail.  And towards the end of the day the Ghost Writer has learnt that the start date to actually start using the new super-dooper all singing and dancing national database has suddenly been moved back about a month due to a minor technical problem brought about by people actually using the thing.

As the IT teacher at school has learnt the last thing you want to do if you want to keep IT systems working normally is let normal people use them or as the IT teacher himself says “Never do IT with children and animals but if you must always choose ducks” apparently they do what they are told and using a beak to type with means they don’t accidently press three keys at the same time and cause an interesting side effect which us humans try to get rid of by pressing loads of things very fast in a semi-state of panic muttering about twenty five years of lost work. That reminds me I must back up my diary.



   
So what else has happened, the icicles have got longer I now think I am going to easily win this years longest icicle contest at the local village fete in August because by then they will be huge. In fact about this time of year there is an influx of entries but as the year progresses people drop out due to what they call thawing, it is a common disease in icicles but apparently the dog says that if we transfer the icicles to the cold frame in a couple of weeks they are sure to be OK………  

Oooooooo yes I must tell all that my good friend in the strange world of cyberspace over in a world called FB, Captain Nessman of the High Seas has just won a prestigious international award for his contribution to traditional Pirate techniques, I think he might get a huge sea chest of gold doubloons and a ceremonial super sharp cutlass HAR HAR HAR HARDY HAR HAR as the great man himself would say.

We have also had Traditional Easter Bread Cat Rolls with our evening meal, an old Easter tradition in Britain for thousands of years. It apparently is an Old Norse custom although back then the Tasty Traditional Easter Bread Cat Rolls did not include the words Traditional, Easter, Bread or Rolls just the words Tasty and Cats.  


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Tuesday, 26 March 2013

Scrambled Brains, Gibberish and Nonsense


Right onwards with my diary  I have been writing it some  time now and most nights, except when I am not near my large and lumpy desk top PC, which is not often and tells you I do not travel long distances much.  And I am always keen to ensure it is exciting (OK a bit exciting OK it’s not exciting), I mentioned lately that its quality is directly proportional to the weather and it is now getting boring (the weather and my diary) I need some sun, heat and a non white environment with green plants and birds singing. It is very unnerving to be stalked by a gang of birds who have been watching that Alfred Hitchcock film of the same name (as in The Birds).

Sadly we saw a hawk on the road today which had become road kill, I guess it is tough out there being a hawk at present or anything, there are a lot of things struggling with their own diaries not just me.



I think the snow has also scrambled my brain I now am not only misspelling words, but I am also typing completely different words to the one I meant to type and misspelling them so the auto spell checker is correcting them but they were the wrong word in the first place. How can I write when my computer corrects the wrong word so it is right but still the wrong word?   The result is gibberish and nonsense, how will I keep my followers if all I type is nonsense . . . . . . . . . . . . . AH


Yesterday I told you that Miss Tiggy and Mr Chris visited and we all chatted and had a good time, well it appears they had somewhat of an epic trip home. You see they live at the end of a little lane in the hills and while they where out the wind had blown the snow across the road so on there return they found themselves trapped in a six foot snow drift. They were then saved by a man in a tractor who could only get to them by crossing fields and was able to tow them to a place to leave their car safely. They then had to walk the last bit in a re-enactment of Scott of the Antarctic, or as they made it a re-enactment of the Norwegian chap who beat Scott of the Antarctic who no one remembers unless they are Norwegian. Luckily the snow plough arrived this morning so they are free again.

I’m sure other stuff happened like Miss Fionaski the famous Russian spy was testing her skills in water supply sabotage  as part of an NVQ qualification in  spying, as you need to keep up to date with new techniques and skills, and I was removing snow from a roof in order to catapult a goat at a supermarket or a snow drift to hunt for sheep, there are a lot of lost sheep at present too.

OOOoooooo yes mum and dad have ordered a new oven to replace the strange Victorian affair that came with the house, and which is very good at all sorts of things except reliably cooking food.
     
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Monday, 25 March 2013

Singing and fighting at the same time is impossible.


The snow lingers still and is going nowhere I really should be out making more things while it is about, but it is getting a crusty surface a result of the sun melting it slightly and then it all refreezing. So making stuff is tricky.

We also had a visit from Miss Tiggy and Mr Chris who came to chat, look at the sun and have a bite to eat, it is after all what us humans do best well that and fighting, but none of us really fancied fighting, we are not really fighting people. Mr Chris is a singer and it is very difficult to sing and fight at the same time; I think this may be to do with the brain as I suspect that the two things use different parts of the brain, and as a chap I can testify that doing two things at the same time is hard enough without trying to use two different parts of the brain at the same time.

This does make you think that maybe in parts of the world that rely on international peacekeeping forces, rather than arm them to the teeth with scary things it would make far more sense to teach them to sing bright and cheery songs and smile loads……



At school Esmeralda has sort of gone a bit erratic; it is not entirely her fault because when you are a part bionic person and rely on steam powered parts in this weather, antifreeze is rather useful to keep the bionic parts working. However no one informed Esmeralda that adding the antifreeze to the bionic parts did not involve drinking it, luckily she is made of strong stuff (The Esmeralda parts of Esmeralda not the bionic parts, although they are too), but it is not like Esmeralda to tell everyone “YOU ARE MY BEST MATE YOU ARE” and smile and enjoy maths.

If you are new to my diary and are wondering why Esmeralda is bionic and has loads of missing parts it is because she was partly eaten by the school goat some time back.

Oooooo yes two other things before I go, apparently the postman said he did not see the snow dog until he was reversing and suddenly noticed a huge dog staring at him in his wing mirror which was a bit of a shock. And secondly the birds are starting to eat more and more food and have been plotting ways of raiding the kitchen, I have heard rumour that one of the robins knows a duck who knows a puffin who knows a rabbit.


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Sunday, 24 March 2013

The Snow Dog again and Abominable People in Transit


During the snow clearing there was absolutely no evidence of yeti’s and I can only assume they have moved on to whiter pastures, they are after all nomadic beasts moving from Holiday Inn to Travel lodge and so on across the frozen north. These days there are few of these cheap and cheery overnight crash pad hotel complexes left where a dishevelled yeti can stop to get a meal and a sleep without people asking awkward questions. Some hotels even have signs up saying no Abominable people allowed during the winter season, using excuses like bad eating habits and demanding fresh yak and wild mountain goat as well as moulting on the sofa’s in the residents lounge.


I have managed to finish the Snow dog he is a little bigger than I planned but this will ensure he will survive till August particularly if the weather is like last year. And I was trying to make a better job of his glowing eyes but due to the wind it all sort went wrong, which is why my other plan of snow lanterns was also a bit of a disaster and I will try this again another day. I can say that because it appears that it is going to be cold until at least next weekend. Maybe I should make a giant snow Easter egg.


OK that is it for today after all it is a cold Sunday and most folk are keeping themselves hidden in a warm spot, and I am sorry about the continued obsession with the weather. I reckon a good tale of strange folk in strange weather is just what that nice Steven Spielberg needs for his next film, DAMN I should have made a huge snow Steven Spielberg and not a snow dog although he/it might get confused with a yeti.  

      
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Saturday, 23 March 2013

Snow Dogs and Yeti's


As predicted today started with loads and loads of snow; in same ways we were quite lucky here because there was about 5-6 inches which was not too bad as it turned out because on the news there was talk of snow drifts up to 14 feet deep on the high ground up in the north of England. Anyway I ventured out into it to hunt for the yeti, which is a big critter but is also white making it tricky to find in a white environment. I set some traps which were baited with ice cream, which the dog insisted was the one food a yeti cant resist, I have to say I am very sceptical because yeti’s come from the Himalayas and I really cant believe it is possible for an ice cream van to get up into the snow to sell yeti’s ice cream. But the dog insists they have very good 4X4’s out in that part of the world.



Interestingly a couple of hours later when I checked the yeti traps there was no ice cream left, the dog said yeti’s are very clever which is why they are seldom seen and never caught, but I also noticed chocolate sauce on the dogs nose. The dog insisted that all the ice cream was covered in chocolate sauce as this was a yeti favourite (and the dogs), very suspicious indeed.





Anyway as the day progressed we sort of got bored waiting for the Yeti and made a huge snow dog to deter zombies and other things like man eating snowmen or ice fish. Unfortunately I  sort of ran out of time to finish the snow dog so it is unable to chase zombies but it does have glowing eyes so that should help a bit. And I unfortunately had to dig loads of paths for the cats who are not keen on snow, well not snow that is the same depth as they are high and they are rubbish at using a snow shovel.  Other things night have happened but I cant really remember, although I do recollect chasing a shrew this morning, it is not great weather for a shrew.



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Friday, 22 March 2013

The First Yeti of Spring and the last Dinosaurs of History


Last night the weather got a bit wild for a time, it started to snow, really nasty snow which was very wet and icy and would cling onto you if you ventured out, unfortunately I had to venture out with the cats as they were scared. It was also windy and so the snow was very wild indeed the cats ran about a bit and then headed for home where Sooty the Cat made it in through the patio doors, but Heavy Harry sort of went the wrong side of the door frame and hit the glass at speed. He then panicked and ran off into the wild snow and wind again arriving through the cat flap at the back of the house several minutes later looking like he had just seen a yeti; a wild wind sweep and snow covered yeti………

This morning started a bit calmer here but the weather has decayed as the day has progressed and as I type there is heavy snow and I notice on the news there are power cuts and all sorts of problems due to snow, rain and flooding, and the forecast is that it is going to get worse tomorrow.  Apparently it was 20˚C warmer on the same day last year. (I will check my diary)  . . . . . . Ah apparently I had roast Unicorn for tea, it was all part of a practice run for the alphabet A to Z blogging thing which unless you are also a blogger will be a bit confusing.



One slight advantage in the snow this morning before it all got horrible again was I discovered evidence of the famous Sparro birdyfootisaurs, a small dinosaur that people said had died out over one hundred and fifty million years ago which is said to be one of the missing links between the reptile like dinosaurs and the chicken pie (sorry I meant birds). And it is plainly clear from the photo that this was a creature with a lot of legs because these footprints went on for ages. 



Mum and dad also decided during a small break in the weather (another saying that makes no sense) they would head off to the Castle of the Bishop to do some panic buying and get a loaf of bread and a bottle (I mean one of the plastic non shaped things that wont pour correctly) of milk, but they had to buy the posh organic stuff because all the Bishops minions had already panic bought almost everything there was. Even the cute puppies in the pet shop were selling like hot cakes or should I say hot dogs, apparently fresh hot dogs are very popular when the supermarkets run out of food.

Ooooooo yes I’m sorry about the quality of my diary lately but I need some sun and heat it will now continue to decay in quality in proportion to the weather, so at present both are rubbish.       
   
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Thursday, 21 March 2013

The lost Penguins, more trenches and a possible yeti


OK I appear to have done something terrible tonight I have deleted my first draft of my diary entry for the day. I never rewrite my diary entry normally, I usually switch on the PC close my eyes and start typing then look and see what has happened. Only tonight I was not happy so I have started again and I am not writing all that again PHEW and the worse bit is all the correcting, I have said many times I am the worst speller and typist in the world and I mean it, so now you know that everything up to here is a rewrite and everything after here is not (yes yes there are two here’s or maybe three now).



Sorry about all that gore and the penguins what I was planning to say is the school said I have a skill that needs to be nurtured and developed and honed to perfection, so in order to develop this skill to its very best, they sent me outside to dig a trench. Well that’s not fair, but the headmaster says I dig better trenches than children three times my age; I did point out this meant they were not children but teachers. But he just said “exactly” and told me that even teachers can’t dig as good a trench as me. Of course its dads fault sending me out digging trenches everywhere, it is not normal for a young eccentric chap like myself to be out with a pickaxe, fork and a spade in deep muddy holes, it like being back in the eighteenth century again.

OK enough of this because it appears I may be saved from trenches in the next few days by a classic re-enactment of the film The Abominable Snowman just in case that nice Steven Spielberg fancies a bit of snow ice and more monsters and Zombies (sorry I mean yeti’s)  . . . . . . . . . . . Hang on Yeti that’s a Y word that could be useful.

Ooooo yes Miss I visited with Mr S, and then Miss I told her friend that Mr S was not well so she would not have to go out with X an Y and although Mr S was off work not well; was he that not well that Miss I had to stay at home . . . . . . . . this is a clear case of pink eyes and we all know what that means.


  
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Wednesday, 20 March 2013

The Wrong Osborne and a Gooseberry Bush


Today was the first day of spring so I thought it best to add a few more layers of clothing because it was jolly cold, and while on the subject of jolly cold there was also a budget by Mr Osborne the Chancellor of the Exchequer. Now when I say Mr Osborne I do not refer to Ozzy Osborne because I think his budget would be a bit different and certainly far more entertaining, but sadly just as pointless. I have heard rumour that Poor old Ozzy may have finally lost the plot, well I guess he has had his moments over the years, but here in Britain he is a well loved institution and most folk will overlook the bad stuff. 

However George Osborne the Chancellor of the Exchequer is a less loved institution and most folk don’t overlook the bad stuff and shout at him loads and quite often think he has lost the plot. He always seems a bit strange to me and I have never entirely worked out why, maybe it is because he reminds me of one of dads Steam Powered Zombies that I mentioned last night, but to date he has never turned up at the front door and hugged dad and said HELLO GRANNY. The other thing I can’t hear is if he hisses you see steam powered Zombies do hiss due to the steam, but the problem is people keep hissing at him and so if he does hiss I can’t hear it.  Mum says he’s mad but the theory is that only someone mad would want to be Chancellor of the Exchequer  . . . . . . Well mad or a zombie, me thinks.



  
In less interesting news I was attacked by a gooseberry bush today which was not nice those things have spikes all over them (the bushes not the gooseberries) I think it may have been protecting its young because under the gooseberry bush were baby gooseberry bushes, maybe that’s where that stupid saying came from about babies and gooseberry bushes that meant our class spent several days crawling about in the mud during the sex education lesson sometime ago given by Miss Davies at school, who finally cracked after a school inspection and ran off to become a nun. Actually I think the final straw may have been accidently running into Mr Jones the Alien hunter in the woods, apparently she told the headmaster she saw things that night she would never want to see again.

And finally I have caught the Ghost Writer disease and cant find a couple of cables that I thought were in my bag of important things, that has things in it although not two cables that I thought were…… I will blame the Cat because its smaller than me, or better still I will blame George Osborne everyone will believe that and BOO at him (again). 


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Tuesday, 19 March 2013

Elvis, Zombies and a Ferret in a shopping centre (Part 2)


It was 3 degrees C again today, I mention this now because it has been this temperature for almost a year now (OK I know, but it feels like it has), right back to today, and it has happened again today, it has been quiet. The school survey at the shopping centre was far more successful than last time when there was a bit of a stampede when some of the school pupils, I think sort of got confused with Zombies and Freddie’s ferrets went walkabout. I can hear newish readers of my diary thinking when did that happen and to tell the truth I can’t remember it was a long time ago. If you are watching the block buster movie made by that nice Steven Spielberg and it has not happened yet then rest assured I will have complained loads that he has cut out another good bit, just because the film was 15 hours long.  I know that seems like a long time but that Lords of the Rings trilogy is long and nothing actually happens in that, where as loads happens in my film . . . .  the film of me, I mean (films).




Anyway there we were in the shopping centre today going down in the lift (me Freddie and his Ferret) when someone hits the alarm, and it was not me Freddie or his ferret, but everyone on the lift looked at me that is not fair. Then when we get out a woman with a pram, who was in the lift and who pressed the alarm runs off shouting LOOK OUT ITS HIM AGAIN., I don’t know who she was referring too because me and Freddie saw no one except a load of shoppers. And then when we approached the shoppers to do our survey they kept hiding in the toilets or running into Pound Land   and similar places where Freddie and I will not venture into anymore as they are frequented by strangely mad gangs of little old ladies who Freddie thinks are the Zombies Grannies. I agree with that; after all Zombies must have grannies too, well most of them, I know the Steam Powered Zombies that dad makes don’t have grannies unless you include dad and he objects to being called Granny even by a Zombie.

The result of this was after several hours Freddie and I had only surveyed one person, I say person it was Freddie’s ferret and it said it was too busy really to do a survey, so sort of ate most of the answer sheet, and then signed it Elvis Presley so when the teacher queried it Freddie had to explain it was not really Elvis but a ferret and we got a zero percent mark.

DAMN I was hoping to write something about science today and now look what happened, but it just goes to show you should never put Elvis Presley and a ferret in a shopping centre at the same time. Mum has just said IDIOT, not sure if she means me Elvis or the ferret. 

Apparently 15% of all shoppers hate escalators and 2% think seagulls should not be allowed in shoe shops . . . . . . . and one hundred percent of both might be Elvis.  



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Monday, 18 March 2013

The Temple of Emperor Curisitytea Confusionox


It appears that things have sort worked against us today as I spent a good deal of the day helping the Ghost Writer hunt for a couple of IT discs. Neither of us have found the discs and we are not sure why. It is a tricky situation because the Ghost Writer is as scatty as I am and really cant remember what he did with them, but on the other hand he tends to do all his serious IT stuff in the same place, so there is little reason for the discs not to be there. Luckily they are not particularly critical discs but it is all a bit strange that they are not easily to hand, and this sort of thing happening does mess with the Ghost Writers head, he thinks it’s all part of a conspiracy theory to drive him mad . . . . . . It appears to be working rather well if it is. Anyway that took care of much of the day although the Ghost Writer did manage to do some proper work too so that is good because I did not.



This evening I have been drumming with my drumming colleague and it will be a few weeks until we get together again now, as he is off jet setting to the Turkish Syrian border for a holiday to look at the ancient ruins of a secret temple built thousands of years ago by a secret society who it is said liked to build secret temples to confuse mankind thousands of years in the future, much in the same way as my diary; so that when they are reading this in five thousands years they will think it is all true word for word unaware that my diary  makes things a little more flowery and exciting than they maybe are. So as long as no one spills the beans so to speak and says things like Zombies are really all quite harmless and are really vegetarians, eating the spilt beans all will be well, it would be amusing to think that in thousansa of years time folk think Zombies are scary . . . . . . .  Still me and the Ghost Writer are real enough although I am not sure about his discs.. … . . . I think he is going mad, hopefully in five thousand years he might have found them.


Oooooo and don’t worry too much about my drumming colleague, he says he will not be too close to Syria but he will be at a secret temple, but not drumming.  Just think only last week he was in Birmingham, so he certain lives a jet set life style these days, although he says the flight is with Easy Jet so he is taking his own sandwiches with him for the flight.

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Ooooo I love this little song I used to play it very loud in Australia 
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Sunday, 17 March 2013

Computers are the new Sofas and Zombie Woodlice


Had it not been for the fact I looked out of the window late last night and saw snow; this morning would have been a serious shock to the system, it was still a bit of a shock to see us back in the middle of winter with a vengeance. But the day got even odder as it progressed because round about lunch time the sun was out and it was actually quite warm outside and there was snow on the ground, although the snow was melting rapidly. By five o’clock everything was green again and you would have assumed it had been a lovely spring day, all I can say is it was all very odd, and I don’t think dad was using his Weather Machine either.

As a result of the confused weather I don’t appear to have done much I sort of fitted a shelf back where it was fitted before, I say sort off because it is all a bit iffy and it is still a bit iffy but the space to work on it is limited. And it appears that cats are rubbish at DIY and using a screwdriver, I’m sure mankind must have domesticated cats for a reason it cant just be to run about giving them food when they make lots of noise and sink their claws into you. Dogs at least understand Latin (useful as this new Pope seems to use loads of it) and can do mathematics, plus robotics and chainsaw juggling.  Cats even demand you cut a hole in your back door to put a cat flap in and then refuse to use it and expect doors opened on demand (like the food). 

   

I got distracted again sorry about that. . . . . . I did a small tiny bit of painting too and I poked about inside a computer and found one penny from 2008. I have now found money in three different computers but not enough to make it worth dismantling all the computers in the world.  Maybe old computers will become the new old sofas. Back in the past when sofas were made properly they had spaces designed into them for things to get lost in, and it was traditional when you visited granny to stick your hand into all the spaces and grovel about looking for gold and uncle Arthurs Rolex or the missing budgerigar from 1953, because granny thought she heard it the day before.  You don’t get sofas like grannies sofa anymore the modern ones don’t have secret voids for things to hide in for decades and sadly the modern sofa does not last as well as the old ones. Our old sofa was WELL COOL it had a huge colony of woodlice living in it, well I say living they were generally dead but what was weird it that they  would all get sucked up in the vacuum cleaner but six months later it would have another huge colony of woodlice who were sort of dead.  I wonder if they were Zombie woodlice WOW that really is WELL COOL  . . . . . . . . . .DAMN that sofa went to the big furniture store in the sky (sorry I mean skip).

AH I might have got side tracked a bit again there and I didn’t get to mention the huge monster snappy thing with big teeth and lots of legs , , , , , ,DAMN.



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Saturday, 16 March 2013

The CIA, MI6 and Monsters in Holes


Yesterday’s diary entry was all a bit of a rush and so I hope it made some sense, we had a lovely meal last night and were last to leave the restaurant which we normally are, in fact we always are. We knew they were keen for us to leave because one of them very helpful held the door open for us even before we stood up to go, but I think they now know that we tend to take our time eating but it is because we are busy discussing things of importance.

So last night we discussed gyroscopes, a theory that a person standing on a hard wooden floor weighs less when they stand on a thick carpet, and Mr Charlie was telling us of a friend you was having problems with a St Bernard (the large dog not the saint) standing on the roof of his house. Apparently it was not the dog that was a problem but all the people who would knock on his front door to tell him he had a St Bernard on the roof of his house; it seems the dog liked being on the roof.

And the preview at the gallery was good but there were quite a lot of people in when we went to look at the art so we did not stay too long, it is always tricky to look at art when the room is full of people.


 OK back to today it started sunny and almost not cold (please note I did say almost) which did mean we were out doing things like chasing monsters, digging holes to put monsters in, climbing trees to look for monsters, looking under large rocks for evidence of monsters, and taking photographic evidence of monsters. The one serious down side to this was I did not find a single monster or even any evidence of the monsters, it was also rather suspicious that the holes I dug, having been informed were a dead certainty to find evidence of the monsters were then filled in with new plants. Not that I thought it was a set up job to make me dig rather a large number of holes but I’m sure dad really could not get the wrong spot (for monsters) that many times.  Mr Jones says we are mad to believe in Monsters and all they are, are aliens from the far reaches of outer-space, and it is plain that the talk of monsters is a MI6 and CIA conspiracy to distract the public from trying to communicate with the aliens. It appears one of the many reasons he hunts Aliens in the nude is MI6 agents are never seen in the nude in a wood, this is something only done by people wishing to be friendly with aliens. At least Mr Jones agrees about Zombies and says this is another reason to hunt aliens in the nude, Zombies always run away when they see him all muddy and sneaking through the trees in the dark stark naked. Dad says that Mr Jones has got Zombies and the local bird watching society mixed up and one day he is in for a bit of a shock.

Right sorry distracted . . . . . . after a while it started to rain and we all ran in (not Mr Jones) and remained in because it was also getting colder all the time. I also have reason to believe Wales won an important rugby match against England today but I did not watch it and don’t know the score and am not one hundred percent sure that Wales won but the indicators are that they did, so all I can say is COME ON SCOTLAND .  . . . . . . . . .HAH HAH HA HAH HAH HAH AH HAH AH HAH ah hah ah hah ah ahhhahah hha

Mum just said IDIOT.

Friday, 15 March 2013

The paperless society and bi-planes


Tonight may or may not be a two part adventure because in a short time I am off to a preview at an art gallery and then heading onwards to have an Indian meal at the Indian restaurant in Monty. So time is of the essence, I am not sure what that means and if I had more time I might even look it up but I don’t so . . . . . .  Back to the point.

For reasons I do not understand me and my class were told we are going to use a fancy all new online database that will make our school paperless, I see the demise of the paper plane which would be terrible, it’s a tradition handed down through generations of bored and distracted children. What will become of the traditional Wright’s double fold bi-plane using two sheets of A4 quality 80gm paper, these skills are not written down (excuse the pun) but need to be shown to the new first years at the start of the academic year. Without paper the skill of this paper plane as it glides across the class room to your mate with the answer to question six in the maths exam will be lost within a single generation. We need traditions like this to continue or the world is doomed and becomes a sadder place.



AH DAMN that is not entirely what I was planning to write about and time has sort of run out so I better go…….. I reckon I might have five minutes to draw a picture so if it looks a bit Rolf Harris can you tell what it is yet . . . . . .its a time thing.    

Thursday, 14 March 2013

The Pope and a chainsaw


It’s a funny old world there we all were yesterday watching the Pope become Pope, while on the subject of the Pope I was wondering about the Popes hat and his clothes because maybe they have to elect a Pope the right size for all the formal wear that goes with the post. After all you can’t just nip to a shop and buy a Popes outfit off the shelf so although all these things look like it’s all very spontaneous maybe it’s less so than we think. It would be interesting to know the height of all the Popes and what shoe size they are, and so on.

OK no that is a diversion from what I was going to say, I was going to say that yesterday I was watching the Pope (although not understanding a word) and today I have been using a chainsaw to chop logs. Now I need to point out this is purely a coincidence and that there is absolutely no link between the two events no matter how suspicious that might sound to you all. 

As we know one of the Popes middle names is Mario so I think it might only be a matter of time until the Pope-Mobile is renamed the Mario-Cart . . . . . Sorry back to the chainsaw, it is said that you get to warm up chopping logs for the fire then get warm again stacking the logs and finally get warm burning the logs, which is why dad said I was very lucky to be allowed to gain so much heat from our logs. The Pope (sorry dad) also says he who blunts the chainsaw, sharpens the chainsaw, as it happens the Pope might also say it because I can’t speak Latin, but I suspect the Pope does not say it.




I am also helping the Ghost Writer fix a computer because he says there is an old saying which goes . . . . . .You should never Byte the Ram that feeds you . . . . . although I cant see the logic in that myself  . . . . HAH HAH HHAHAHH hah ah ha hahahah aahhah ahhah hah ahh ahhah ah ha hah aha ha ha ha hahahhaha hahahahahahaha hahahahaha.

And I also have other things to do which involve putting some music on a CD for a friend so I might be off doing things like that tonight, therefore this will be your lot for today. Tomorrow is very busy to, and in the evening we are off to have a meal with Mr Charlie and Miss Jane so tomorrows diary entry might be shorter that today’s, which appears to be about average  . . . . . . . .PHEW  . . . . . . . . . . 


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Wednesday, 13 March 2013

Pope Frances, a seagull and the laws of gravity


Snowflakes today but more of that in a minute because I happened to be watching a bit of the news while eating some food, I know, not like the old days, but once things warm up I will eat back in the dinning room as normal. Anyway I noticed that there is a new Pope and although I got it right saying it would be a South American Pope, my money was on the Brazilian chap Pele (I think) I thought Pope Pele sounded OK. As it happens the Pope has now called himself Pope Francis, because his real name is Mario which would have lead to all sorts of problems with computer games. It would be hugely confusing to have a Pope Mario the Pope, and Mario Pope the popular computer game (available at all good online stores shortly), I will say one thing for the new Pope he smiled at least twice when he appeared in front of the masses so that’s a good start, although I did not understand a single word he said so it is just as well the dog speaks Latin. However I am sure the dog was lying when he said that the new Pope said all dogs must get fresh bones everyday to chew or else. 



I mentioned snowflakes didn't I, and I don’t want to linger on the weather but they were floating down gently from the sky during the science lesson and this lead to a discussion about gravity. You see if you drop a feather and a seagull in a vacuum at the same time they will both hit the ground at the same time despite the fact a seagull is many times heavier than a feather. If you do this experiment in air dropping them off the school roof as we did the seagull will fly away and ruin a really good experiment, so we used a goat and sure enough the goat hit the ground before the feather, it is to do with the density of the air and density of the goat.

However the teacher says that the accepted science is that gravity has the same effect on all objects and is a constant, so all objects will hit the ground at the same time regardless of weight where there is no atmosphere is in fact not true. What he says is there is a small but exponential time delay caused by inertia, so say the moon and a feather dropped at the same time would result in the feather hitting the earth before the moon did. As it happens this is an easy experiment to test because if you drop a feather it will definitely hit the Earth before the moon does, I tried the experiment with the moon and a seagull but am still waiting to record the outcome. The dog is interfering with my experiment because he has put sardines on the lawn which as far as I can tell will contaminate my results, I bet that Isaac Newton’s, mum never went and made apple pies with his apple experiment.

AH mum has said IDIOT, you see when you are at the culling (sorry cutting)  edge of science people say you are mad……..

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Tuesday, 12 March 2013

The kitchen sink and a man called Chris


Today was sunny but very very cold. And no one got lost in a snow storm, and it was rather a jolly sunset, anyway enough on that subject for now.  Our good friend Chris the builder came to visit today, because there are certain jobs I am not allowed to do and that dad does not like doing, one of which is plumbing. OK I am allowed to leap into dark damp black holes and dig trenches that fill with water to stop Zombies attacking but not plumbing with real pipes and water and taps and stuff.



The first major problem was when Chris the builder asked where the stop tap was for the water . . . . . . . . .AH yes as it happens it is not something we had been told when we moved in, but luckily our neighbour who was sawing up wood for a Zombie defence fence did know where the tap was. It was under an ex-tree, when I say ex –tree I do not refer to some sort of exotic make of tree but to a tree that is no longer there, it is no wonder we did not find the tap that is no what we were expecting at all.  Then once various other taps were turned off the kitchen sink was ripped out and a new kitchen sink was hammered into place with a sledge hammer, it was a bit noisy but getting to the point super fast because I am a bit tired and need to switch off (like the taps were), we now have a new posh sink in the kitchen that has running water and that has taps that work like they should work. The old sink had issues, I guess as we did not fit it, the previous owner did it was sulking and would refuse to stop the water flow of hot water which would trickle away all day and make drip drip drip noises, like a mad clock.

OK I’m off for a break I will discuss the rest of the day on my return if I remember what I did and remember to return. . .  

I have returned but I am going to go again because I have just listened to the weather forecast on the BBC, well that was not very nice of them to say after one day of sun it will be rotten till the end of time, that is a bit extreme even for the BBC.

I think I need to work on Plan B . . . . Mmmmmmmm what I need are idea’s, cunning idea’s at that.  OK that’s it toast and mugs of Hot Chocolate will do for now.



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