Thursday, 31 January 2013

The Spy who came in from the cold, or was it go out?


Not quite so windy today, I thought I’m British I must comment but that is done now so I will move on. Last night I got a secret message to say that Miss Fionaski was coming across to deliver a secret package to mum and I was not to say a word only that Miss Fionaski would arrive at 11.00am. Luckily I think by then I had already written my daily diary entry so the news of the secret package did not make it. I sometimes forget that secrets are best not written in a diary that is read my thousands and MI6 on the internet, it is an easy thing to forget after all in the good old days of paper your diary was where you wrote secrets. Then years later the secret diaries would be published and all the friends of the person whose diary it was would call then a Bl********** ******* ******** back stabber and sue for libel. By publishing my diary online where the entire world can read it my friends know what I have written so still call me a Bl********** ******* ******** back stabber, but it is difficult to sue. Just look at the case of Esmeralda flushing the headmaster’s toupee down the toilet this afternoon. She would have got away with it, if it was not for the fact it blocked the main sewer pipe. Then the plumber thought it was a huge rat and the environmental health man examined it and found the headmasters name on the name tag. The headmaster was not happy about the fact he had to explain it was not his pet rat but his hair. It did not help either when the environmental health officer said it was not a hare because the ears were too small . . . . . . . HAH HAHAHH HAHHAH HHAHAHAHH HAHH Ah hah ah ahah ahaha hahahahh hah ha




Anyway what was I saying AH yes it was not as windy today . . . . . Hang on no not that; Miss Fionaski came to see us at 11.00 am and delivered the secret package to mum who was surprised because luckily it was still a secret . . . .PHEW. then she showed us her latest spy outfit apparently they are all the fashion in the spy business these days and are designed to confuse border guards who are disorientated and think you are going in the opposite direction to the way you are going. I have supplied a picture but if you are reading the best selling paperback this is a jumper with the buttons at the back so you look like you are standing the wrong way round you cant undo the buttons because it is not easy to do up buttons on your back and it would hinder your escape over the border.  The world of spies and espionage is all very strange.

Oooooo I may have made a cake today but it is a secret . . . . . . . . . . .DAMN 


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Wednesday, 30 January 2013

a marvel of modern science or the diabolical weapon of aliens?


The winds were very windy again today, as they have been for several days now and this made the physics teacher think to himself, we should have another go at the experiment with wind turbines where we make wind turbines. In order to avoid the controversy of last time where we sort of ended up with a huge windmill on the school roof we formed small groups. Myself, Esmeralda and Freddie and his ferret were one group. Because of the wind speed we opted for the inverted conical helix blades of the Edwardian era which never worked well back then because they were make of cast iron. Yes a wind turbine made of cast iron may have longevity but its fundamental flaw is that at twenty eight tons for each blade if never rotates, and they just gave the industry a bad name. Ours was made of poly-carbon laminate filled with carbon fibre reinforced polymer foam and produced in an environmentally controlled environment to align the crystalline structure of the structure to produce maximum rigidity. It was as the Physics teacher said a marvel of modern science and worth at least 3 house points.



It was at this point that things started to go wrong Esmeralda thought she should get at least 10 house points and that the physics teacher was not giving our marvel of modern science its full recognition as something really special, more special than the turbine blades made by the smarmy clever dick teachers pets who he had been given 5 house points. Although give then their due, they had also produced their own generator by that point and were supplying the school with most of its power needs.

So Esmeralda threw our inverted conical helix blades out of the window where in the wind they spun at high speed, up into the wind which was very very windy. The physics teacher who is very good at physics was able to estimate that they must have reached a rotational speed of at least 10,000 RPM (revs per minute)  as they blow across the hockey pitch where the semi-final of the inter school hockey tournament was just starting.

As Esmeralda said if they had just ducked there would have been no reason to call all those ambulances and the police out, luckily the police have said it appears to be some sort of diabolical weapon created by evil alien monsters and we must be vigilant. The headmaster and the physics teacher have decided that it is best to say nothing as these sorts of things are not good publicity for an up and coming academy of learning where we learn stuff……..  

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Tuesday, 29 January 2013

Spies, Pirates and Chemists in the strange twilight between cyberspace and reality


The world of diaries and cyberspace can lead to interesting things; things can happen that can have an influence on both. Take my good friend Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy; we all know that she is very much a real person out there listening intently to her shortwave radio gluing micro dots onto the bottom of homing tortoises. However through the strange sub world of my diary she has found it very difficult to be a spy and has had to resort to leaping about and being a party animal in real life, because it is tricky to be a spy when as mum puts it some IDIOT keeps telling everyone about their secret plans.

Then there is my cyber-friend Captain Nessman of the High Seas, we have had many an adventure in the world of cyberspace battling sea monsters and the tally ho British fleet, but then real life leaps into place and Captain Nessman of the High Seas finds himself on a wild adventure learning Chinese in China, which is probably the best place to learn Chinese as it happens. He has many a tale to tell of huge squid and creatures that western man has never seen before which is why from time to time he still sneaks into a MacDonald’s from  time to time. 


Today the cross over between the real and surreal of cyberspace took another slightly strange twist, my diary as you know can be found both in Facebook and as a blog, and my blog friend Mr ESB a man of many talents and a chemist who often experiments with chicken sandwiches and who lives in Texas has told me that as a result of my help he has been able to sing Happy Birthday in Welsh to his friend Jesus (no not that one) who works in Mr ESB’s favourite diner back in his home town in Texas. Now that is well COOL just think without all this technology and the internet, things like this would not happen. I think what this proves is that even a modest diary of an eccentric in the rolling hills of the English Welsh borders and a few of his good friends can make the world a better place.

If you are watching the block buster movie or reading the best selling book then I will be found in a warm swimming pool with a cold drink in my hand, if you are not reading the best selling book or watching the movie all I can say is that nice Mr Steven Spielberg has made yet another film about the wrong thing (if it has horses in it again I will not be happy).


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Monday, 28 January 2013

A short sharp tale of country folk, and forgetful drumming


Tonight I'm afraid is going to be a short sharp tale of country folk, because after a day of this then that, and the general activities of life and trips to the academic heart of the academic place of learning where I am taught things. I then returned back to the place from where I started otherwise known as home. I then ate food and thought about stuff briefly before realizing that my drumming colleague was due to arrive, which he did. We then drummed and played some rhythms that we had not played before because we as in general forgetful and forget stuff. It is one of the things we specialize in forgetful drumming; then we reached the point where my drumming colleague Mr P had to return to the point from where he started otherwise known as home (his home not my home).



I then made the fundamental mistake of chilling out in front of a log fire, I say chilling but it was in fact warm; it is one of those saying that is fundamentally wrong, chilling in front of a log fire is a paradox. The result of this however is that time has ebbed away and there is now no time to write this, OK there is time to write this, but not what I would write if I had more time which I don’t.

Ooooooo yes two things my drumming colleague Mr P has a book all about muddy holes and is something of an expert (what a strange world it is) and WOW its been windy today, why has it been that windy why cant we have some sun and piece for a while, I think I may be required to stick some thing sharp and pointy into the works of dads weather machine, every time it is switched on we get weather.

And the Ghost Writer says if folk blindly press buttons on certain things on a computer network that can change IP addresses they should not be entirely surprised when bits of the said network don’t work. . . . . .   

And Heavy Harry is meowing .. . . . . . .FOOOOOOOOOD.

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Sunday, 27 January 2013

Steven Spielberg and The Pit of DOOM


You are all going to moan a lot but I intend to start today’s diary with a bit of weather news, yes yes  go on then all moan then, but there is a reason because here at least all the snow has finally gone. But it has not been a great day, because we started with loads of sun WOW SUN and after breakfast it was suggested that maybe a nice trip into a large muddy hole might be a great way to spend the day . . . . . .AH DAMN.  I tried the re-enactment of the film Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where I was planning to be Mr Jones, only Mr Jones the alien hunter said he should really be Mr Jones. I did point out he did not have a hat or any other clothes for that matter and he also said he was not getting into the muddy cold wet hole, as he is expecting more aliens very soon. It appears spring is a good time for aliens as they migrate north across the milky way back to planets that are starting to get closer to the geometric-centre of the universe and everything.



Hang on none of this is important, because as I was saying I was in a muddy hole looking for ancient artefacts in an effort to re-enact the film Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, and it was not fairing well particularly when it started to blow a gale and rain very hard (I hate hard rain) so in the end the re-enactment turned in the abbreviated film DOOM or possibly The Creature From the Black Lagoon. That happened when the neighbours saw me heading back to the house covered in mud and slime; they screamed a lot locking themselves in their garden shed shouting DON’T EAT US. Luckily the dog recognised me, well the hat anyway so I managed to get in. Then the sun came out again but before I was sent back into the muddy hole it rained again, followed by sun then rain and so on all day long, it was very confusing and it was and is still cold.

So I have now stopped and am on strike, I think as and when I am sent down into the muddy hole again I need to think of some more films to re enact like The Pit and the Pendulum or Watership Down (a muddy hole).  . . .HAH AHHAH HHAH HAH hah ah hah ah ahah haha

I really don’t know what has happened to that very nice Steven Spielberg these days, he keeps making the wrong movie, my agent has been back in contact again although I think calling Mr Spielberg an IDIOT was a bit of an error (I’m really sorry Mr Spielberg you are a very nice man my agent is a bit hot headed).

   
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Saturday, 26 January 2013

The land where pheasants and Snow Zombies die


We have reached the point where snow is vanishing quite quickly now, I think I can safely say that most people have had enough of the snow, it may look nice but this is Britain and we are not genetically or mechanically or administrablely (?) designed for long term snow. The pheasants who were looking a little more perky this morning as the snow started to vanish off their field got into a bit of a panic when men with guns started shooting at them, the poor old pheasants having first been chased with men with dogs. And although the dogs were young and quite bouncy the men were old and not bouncy, which sort of gave the pheasants a chance to turn back, and at least a few got to escape over the road while one or two hid in our garden (not in the big muddy cold hole).

In previous years myself and the pheasants have done a re-enactment of the classic film The Alamo, where we are not the Mexicans; as in the remake they are the ones with twelve bores and 4X4’s, today we were all caught out by surprise. Pheasants without a leader are not organised, although I will say they are very democratic and tend not to fight each other over food like most other birds.



This brings me to another event in the day our bird watch as part of the RSPB national bird watch this weekend, we are not keen bird watchers they are a strange lot who will spend hours hiding in a shrub with binoculars peering into an oak tree looking for a lesser spotted pied corn crake or the like. But we thought we would do our bit, one hour watching through the patio doors recording what landed, this can be done anytime this weekend so why not have a go if you are in the UK. I would not recommend the dogs cunning plan of covering the bird table in glue and then coming back an hour later and doing a quick tally it will only lead to trouble when next doors cat is found stuck fast to the bird table with an eagle in its mouth.  It appears that my knowledge of birds is a bit limited so all the small birds I recorded as blue tits and anything larger was a golden eagle, I saw twenty seven golden eagles last year which lead to the arrival of 300 twitchers with huge telephoto lens on their cameras desperate to see them. Luckily dads steam powered pterodactyl still worked and we were able to keep them happy and the dog made a few pounds selling bacon butties.

OK back to now, after that I sort of came to a grinding halt because the weather is in a state of transition so my brain is thinking spring, sun, warmth, so I leapt outside to find I am standing is soft sludgy snow and ice with the occasional pheasant with his head stuck in it pretending to be an ostrich, apparently the men with guns don’t shoot ostrich, but only because the dogs cant pick them up and take them back to the men with guns. So I am now hiding inside waiting for spring and the sun…….. Maybe I should have left the pheasants outside they are not house trained.

Oooo and as I type the rain and wind has arrived, I don’t know whose rain we have pinched over the last few months but you can have it back now we don’t mind. . . . . My diary is turning into a weather forecast again sorry.

Ooooo goodbye snow zombie 



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That is a very cool bird 


HA HAHAHH AHhah hah ah ha hah ah hah hah hahah hahhah 

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Friday, 25 January 2013

Global Warming, a large muddy hole and a master craftsman


It’s a funny old world; there I was all ready to go off to school and ponder global warming, which is always very hard when you need to be taken to school on the back of a snow plough wearing tennis rackets on your feet and a woolly hat with pointy ears.  We should be contemplating global warming in the summer when it is hot, OK wet and cold . . . . . . . . . I know it’s all very complicated but I am hoping we might just get some of that greenhouse effect on the Welsh English border this year. Anyway as I was saying there I was in my school uniform with tennis rackets on my feet and a woolly hat with pointy ears and a knitted duck on the front when I was suddenly excused school by dad and thrown into the cold wet muddy hole in the garden. It was a bit of a shock, but luckily I found I was not alone as our good friend and master craftsman Chris the Builder was also in the hole. He was very pleased to see me and asked me straight away why have you got tennis rackets attached to your feet, I did try to explain they were snow shoes but I got the impression he thought I was mad. Still as Chris found out snow shoes also make good mud shoes as we pondered the hole and what to do I notice he was getting shorter all the time not ideal when you are already standing in the middle of a muddy hole.

Then after much scratching of heads digging of mud, pointing and shaking out heads for a bit leaning on shovels and a few cups of tea we hatched a plan, we will look at the hole again in a few weeks.

Home 27th May 2012


The result of all this standing and getting wet and cold in a large muddy hole plus the fact that at school I would have been writing my thesis on the environmental side effects of global warming made me wonder about when we last had some decent hot weather. One of the great advantages of writing a daily diary observing the world and my place in it in great detail without elaborating on the truth, is that I can look back and say with certainty what happened when. So I can say that back on the twenty seventh of May we were in the middle of a few days of extreme heat, and I even have photographic evidence and by the 2nd June it started to rain.  One thing that is clear from this is that it should have stopped raining or snowing by now because six to seven moths of it is just not fair. Oddly back on the 27th May I was complaining about the heat and how it was far to hot and by the 3rd June I was complaining about rain and cold and what this proves conclusively is that I am genetically British, Only the British complain about the weather this much regardless of what the weather is………..  

And please note that I think all is sorted with making comments again on the Blog . . . . . .PHEW

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Thursday, 24 January 2013

Weather, Icicles and the flight of the Pheasant


Today was dry and sunny although it was very cold, dad was pleased, he thought AH GOOD because the photovoltaic cells would finally get to generate a bit of power, it has been ages since we have been self sustaining in electricity and he is grumbling that the electricity supplier might actually want some money off us for supplying electricity.  Then about mid afternoon he realized that despite all the sun we had generated very little electricity, because half the panels were still covered in snow. He did go outside and shout at the snow but the snow just sort of lay there and completely ignored him, the Snow Zombie grunted a bit because that is something zombies sort of do and a big pile of pheasants screamed and panicked and flew off in all directions. When I say fly pheasants are not great at flying or anything else really, but they had worked out that we had a bird table and food and although they tend to dislike man because he shoots at him quite a lot they are getting a bit hungry due to snow lying on the ground now for a week so were sneaking up to the house to eat seed. That was OK until dad ran out and shouted at the snow on the roof and waved his fist at it confusing the pheasants, mum said IDIOT but I am not sure if she was referring to the pheasants or dad or the snow.


 I was rather looking forward to the icicle competition with Miss Fionaski the famous Russian Spy the other day but the weather changed slightly and all the icicles vanished, it appears that icicles are very fickle they only turn up when a whole series of metrological conditions are favourable and a slight change in any one of them and off they go. It reminds me a bit of Esmeralda in the Physics lesson she is very good and in there with the best of them when we are experimenting with explosives and diabolical acids and death rays, but as soon as say a ball point pen or a piece of paper turns up she vanishes in a cloud of confusion, actually I am being slightly artistic with the truth she reminds me a bit of those pheasants making their get away from dad although Esmeralda flies even worse than a pheasant.  AH I have just compared Esmeralda to a panicking pheasant that may not fair well at school in the morning if she reads this . . . . . . . . DAMN.  Still it could be worse I could have told you that her school uniform made her look like a penguin today HAH HAHHAH Hah hahhahah hahh ha hahhah hahh hah hahh ha . . . . . . . . . . . . DAMN I have told you now, that’s not good .. . . . . mum has said IDIOT  . . . . . . . DAMN.

Oooo I did see an icicle today by the way although it was not very big, less than five feet long….


Please note that due to persistent abuse of the anonymous comments option by spammers I have reluctantly changed the option for comments so that only followers of the blog can comment now. I hope this does not cause any problems for those of you who do leave comments. But if it does  wave things at me or throw small pebbles at my windows in the dead of night. If need be I will try another option, sorry for any inconvenience..... 

I hope all members of RATs should be OK as you all follow my blog . . . .  


I would Like to thank Miss Lily and Arlee Bird for their feedback and I hope you are all able to comment OK again, when I say all I do not include the spammers  who are abusing the anonymous comments option to ruin things for the masses. I am as I type making an Anonymous Voodoo doll out of a tin of Spam and will be sticking pins in it very soon..........  

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Wednesday, 23 January 2013

A new type of snow



A photo of the apple trees this morning


We woke up to more snow this morning which was a bit of a surprise because I'm sure the weather man on the BBC said it was not going to snow here.  They do that sometimes weathermen, I think maybe they are feeling a bit grumpy or don’t like their neighbours and have told them it should be great for cutting the grass or a barbecue or similar such events that are not ideal to undertake in thick snow.  Anyway according to the English teacher at school Eskimo’s have something like a hundred words for snow because every snow fall is different and every snowflake in every snow fall is different. Well today’s snow was certainly different to the snow we have had so far this year. And if today’s snow had fallen a few days ago then the Snow Zombie would certainly have looked a little more neat professional than he does. Dad says that Zombies should not look neat and professional and if they did they would be called politicians……………….… Dad does not like politicians  



OK yes that is just another distraction what I was going to say is that we had snow with holes in it today. I asked the English teacher what the Eskimo’s would call snow with holes in but they did not know, so I asked how the holes were formed but they did not know, so I asked whether snow with holes had fallen before because I have not seen snow with holes in before but they did not know. They said that it is not their fault and that they only deal with the language of snow not the geography and physics of snow but after asking the geography teacher and physics teacher about snow that has holes in they both said they did not know. I don’t wish to sound negative here but I’m sure when I get to school and ask teachers stuff they are not meant to say I don’t know. They never give me any marks in my exam when I answer questions with I don’t know . . . . . . . NOT FAIR

So on my return home I thought who would know something as important as how holey snow is created and the answer came into my head AH yes the dog, so I asked the dog and he said it was all part of the great road stealing conspiracy and that dads weather machine has a hole option and that the teenagers on the youth training scheme pinching roads for the government to sell to China were complaining they could not breath while hidden under all the snow so dad had created a whole new hole snow type of snow which he has now patented and is planning to sell to people who might need snow with holes and make millions. . . . . . . . . Mum however has said that dad is in fact an IDIOT I have been told Eskimo’s have just one word for idiot which I am told is IDIOT. 


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Tuesday, 22 January 2013

Fairy Tales and Radical Abstract Thinkers (RATs)


So School today, and very uneventful it was too although the English teacher did one of those things again that is very annoying because she never tells us in advance that she is going to do it, yes she made us write a fairy tale again.  So we had to come up with a  fairy  tale, story all about snow and stuff like that so I did my best.

Once upon a time there were three bears, they were Polar Bears so were keen gardeners, as we all know Polar Bears love gardening and the three bears were very good at gardening their iceberg lettuce had been given the seal of approval by the king himself The bears were very proud and had the head of the seal mounted on a board, and it hung in pride of place over the fire place. Baby Bear said it was the best curry they had ever had. . . .YUM.  And there was nothing the bears liked more than settling down in front of the TV in the evening and watching Snow White and the Seven Gardeners singing high ho high ho its off to hoe we go as they weeded their garden and told all the viewers how easy it all is (actually they were lying because behind the scenes when the cameras were not rolling there were in fact 27 gardeners and a small tractor)




Then one day in the middle of a particularly cold and snowy winter Snow White and the seven gardeners did one of those phone in competitions where everyone knows the answer, it was What is the common name of the plant Lilium Columbianum well Baby Bear said I know and ran off and phoned in the answer having listened to a man say. . . . Calls cost £1.50 a minute from a land line but may cost more from a mobile depending on your supplier and terms of contract, you must be over eighteen and refunds are not available.  Baby Bear was very excited but was frozen to he spot when he was told by Snow White that he was under eighteen and therefore unable to claim his prize of a handful of magic beans.  However Mummy Bear and Daddy Bear were a little upset and ate Snow White and the seven gardeners and a fox who kept blowing at their house huffing and puffing and blowing down Baby Bears snowman.

Baby Bear got to keep his magic beans and his snowman never blew down ever again and all because he knew that LILIUM COLUMBIANUM were known to all as Tiger Lilies  . . . . . The End 




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Monday, 21 January 2013

The Great Road Stealing Conspiracy, the dark side of snow


Life is returning to normal as the roads sort of get cleared although the Ghost Writer who was meant to head off to work today said that he could not make it due to the wrong sort of roads.  Wrong sort of roads? It appears that according to the Ghost Writer the roads that have emerged from beneath the snow are in fact different roads to the ones that were there before. He says that he is convinced these are not the same roads and that they are inferior in quality and so they can’t be trusted.  It appears this is all part of a huge government conspiracy and that they have hired some mad bloke with a weather machine and no scruples (where did that word come from very odd) who for a large sum of money will hide all the roads under snow so they can be stolen. Strangely everyone looked at dad.



I can here you all saying BUT WHY (or was it HE’S MAD), the Ghost Writer is saying that due to the economic climate of Britain which is apparently also cold wet and covered in snow the government have hatched a diabolical plan to sell all our decent roads to China who are selling so many cars (posh ones) to the Chinese people that they are unable to make enough  good roads themselves and are buying up roads from struggling economy’s lead by unscrupulous leaders prepared to make a few pounds at any cost. So every time it snows a nano force of nano-bots replace another decent road with a cheap one full of potholes; even as I type the M6 is on its way to China and a replacement M6 has got speed restricts and bollards all over it to disguise its inferior quality. Apparently if you look under the M6 it has Made in Britain stamped on it, yes it appears in another diabolical twist in the story the new inferior roads are being made by  British teenagers on a work creation scheme using old Starbucks coffee beans and coffee cups, all part of our governments youth training scheme. And in order to save money on pensions because for reasons the government cant understand pensioners are demanding money for things like food, the government have agreed to the limited use of pensioners are hardcore.

Ooooooo what did I do today . . . . . . . . AH yes I remember now so that’s good.  


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Sunday, 20 January 2013

Fighting Snow Zombies, Lemmings and ice bowls


So another day of snow, I was not expecting it to snow today but it did a bit, unfortunately it was still the wrong kind of snow for snowmen and the like so I was not able to do much in fact I appear somehow to achieved very little today, I am getting really good at that lately, I think writing a daily diary has one drawback and that is you spend your day writing your daily diary.  Because of this you then find you have nothing to write about so then not having anything to write about and end up waffling about all sorts of rubbish  . . . . . . .AH . . . . See what I mean.

I am a little worried about the Snow Zombie I really don’t know what he got up to last might but he looks a bit the worse for wear and seems to have been in a fight, I tried asking him but he cant remember; I also noticed he lost the Ghost Writer’s favourite woolly hat and asked him where it was but he says he cant remember. He did say that the last thing he remembers was drinking Russian Vodka out of a green bowl made of ice at a party in the woods that the Banshees were having, banshee’s love a bit of ice cold wind and snow.  And he said he vaguely remembers a drinking competition with the Lemmings of Petrograd and one of them saying Snow Zombies are all manby pamby cowards who run away as soon as the situation gets a bit hot. I did point out to the Snow Zombie that he will run away once it gets hot and he may have misunderstood the Lemmings, and besides we all know that you should never get into a fight with the Lemmings of Petrograd, they are a formidable force who have just the one weakness, they hate anyone called Cliff.






    
Well what else happened  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .AH DAMN . . . . .Nothing . . . Sorry about that I will start to bore you all soon and you will all run away and eat ice cream.


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Saturday, 19 January 2013

The trials and tribulations of a Snow Zombie


Today was all about the trials and tribulations of a Snow Zombie and the best laid plans of mice and men. That is another one of those silly sayings because mice are in general rubbish at making plans they are in general creatures of the now and that tends to mean food eat YICKS a cat run.  But I must not get too sidetracked.

Luckily the gritter had been out last night or first thing this morning and it was possible to get back into the castle of the bishop to get my camera from his mate Harry Tuffin thus the first step of the days events was a success. It did mean that I felt I needed to make the Snow Zombie I have said I was going to make and it was this that proved a little on the tricky side. In reality such a thing should be dead easy but the snow was still far from ideal to make anything interesting and even using the trick of spraying the snow with a bit of water it was still rather difficult to form the image I had in my head, I should have said I was going to make The Blob because that would have been a lot easier and everyone would say WOW that is a brilliant blob. I did persist though as the alternative was to dig a wet muddy hole in the garden and that is not as much fun.  But by moving snow about and slowly compacting it I did manage to make a rather rickety Snow Zombie.



He does not look entirely happy but there are reasons for this, one of the main ones being that his first head fell off due to the wrong kind of snow and shattered into a thousands bits (that is an approximation as I did not count the bits) then making arms proved futile a zombie with no arms is a bit like a crocodile with no tick. So all in all he has struggled into existence. I then sort of cleared a few paths and the like as making Snow Zombies is not seen as a useful activity in the great scheme of things. However if we remember that old saying about the best laid plans of mice and men, it is always worth remembering mice do everything for a reason and mankind has the greater intelligence to mess about all day being silly. Something that distinguishes man from the beasts.


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Now here at the blog I also have to add the extra addition of getting an award, now as you all know I am terrible with awards and have on several occasions forgotten to even add them or mention them. Today though I will because the person who gave it too me is an avid reader and reviewer of books, all sorts of books from modern to great classics so being presented with this award by them is a great honour indeed. I started to follow them during the A to Z last year because they stay true to themselves and produce a great blog in their chosen area of interest.

So thank you NEER at . . . . . .  a hotcup of pleasure

for the award of

Blog of the Year 2012


All I can say is my blog is the sum parts of all of us in the Radical Abstract Thinkers and I hope that all its members will award themselves this award on behave of all of us as we are all AWESOME . .. . . . . 







OK there are rules that folk sort of put together with these awards but I am a little maverick so I will leave those . . . . .





Friday, 18 January 2013

The lost camera and the wrong snow


Today turned into a sort of good news bad news day some days are like that. We woke up this morning to several inches of snow and I thought Well Cool I can make a snow Zombie take photos and do a really interesting diary entry. But things never quite turn out as planned. I did go out and take some photos of the snow first thing, then we thought with it still snowing so heavily we better drive into the great castle of the bishop to get one or two provisions which we were a bit low on such as milk, bread, and snow zombie carving implements, although it turned out snow zombie carving implements were not on mums list (NOT FAIR). So we battled the elements got the required bits and made it back home, it was a tricky drive as the roads had not been gritted and we a bit dodgy to say the least. So on my return home I thought I would take a picture of the road but the bad news was I had lost my camera in the castle of the bishop, however the good news was Mr Harry Tuffin found it and has it safe but the bad news is I cant get it until the road is clear and so don’t have any snow pictures.  Further bad news is that the snow is like powder and it is impossible to make a Snow Zombie anyway so I will wait until the snow is a bit wetter, the good news is that by then I might have my camera back to take a picture of it.




I did stagger about in the snow for a bit and told the dog I am going for a little walk and may be some time to which he said close the door its cold, and the cats hid under the sofa.

It was very annoying not having a camera and not being able to make snow zombies but I think the opportunity will hopefully arise in the next couple of days to do both and further good news is that I was unable to go down the wet muddy hole to dig as it is full of snow. Britain is a strange country because we love weather and it snows from time to time in the winter but as a country things sort of fall apart when it snows and everything has a habit of stopping.

Anyway that is about it for the days diary the bad news is that not much happened but the good news is just think how long it would have been if I did do things


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Thursday, 17 January 2013

Navigating insurmountable geographical obstacles and beef burgers


I am here writing my diary entry in the dark of the early evening after a fairly uneventful day with snow blowing in our faces as we staggered across the wild bleak wilderness of the school playground towards the geography department. It is always worth remembering a few key things in the winter when the snow starts, one is the geography option is not for the faint hearted these days, not since the incident with Brian’s chemistry experiment in the main corridor  leading to the external diversion along the north face of the tennis courts.  The risk of falling ice and glacial erosion at this time of year means stragglers can be lost for days. However the Geography teacher himself says you can’t beat the challenge of navigating insurmountable geographical obstacles getting to the geography classroom to make you understand how they are formed (the features not the rooms). And the headmaster likes to call it character building. In fact if the snow keeps up like it has been today I hope to build my own character tomorrow, The Snow Zombie. I am very optimistic as the weather forecast in the UK for tomorrow is heavy snow (very heavy snow) everywhere and that included here. . . . . .WELL COOL.



The Ghost Writer had to go off to an important meeting today about funding projects and why his organisation may have to resort to eating all the staff in a cost cutting exercise.  It appears that by turning all the staff into say beef burgers they can sell them to several large supermarkets who for various reasons find themselves a bit sort of burgers at present. There are two great advantages to this; one is they save loads of money on making the staff redundant and secondly they can sell the staff for a profit of at least £5.00 a pound, although according to the Ghost Writer it is not absolutely legal and may break certain industrial legislation.  The Ghost Writer has avoided the fate by getting in early and offering to operate the mincing machine and print up all the 100% organic beef labels (guaranteed not to contain horse or humans . . . .honest).

I have to say it feels a bit chilly tonight I think rather that beef burgers we are very likely all going to turn into ice burgers HAH AHHAH hah ahah hah hah hah hahahhahah hah ah hah ha hah hah ah ah hha h hah hah hah ah ahh ahahah ahhah . 

OK I need to go and eat now before I post my diary entry to the world.

I have eaten now . . . YUM


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Wednesday, 16 January 2013

I see a tall dark street light and many other things


So after getting up to go out I was confronted by the dog who stared into his crystal bone and said AH yes I see a tall dark street light. Then he said Hang on I see a journey SOUTH IN a car to visit a long lost relative who you have not seen for ages.  Well that is exciting, and then he said you will talk of many things and eat and drink tea and have a good time before you say . . . . it is time to go I need to get home. It was very impressive because it is exactly what happened, but although the dogs crystal ball certainly looks the part and the dog made me cross his paw with silver; all my silver as it happens. It was a little less impressive than it might appear because we had already made plans to visit my long lost relative last week so all in all the dog has run off with all my money again so that he can invest in Blockbuster and HMV shares. Yes rather risky indeed but the dog says that by looking into his crystal bone he has noted that it is less risky that it may at first appear. The reason being that it was all my money and not his . . . . . .. . . . That’s NOT FAIR.



Anyway it was really good to see Miss Anne and Mr Chris and we had a really good time and we hope to see then again soon to talk of other many things, the many things of which we did not get to talk of today because we were talking of many other things, and in the end there are only so many things you can talk about in one day.  What is good is that my long lost relative lives relatively close now after living not only a relatively long way away but also a very long way away.  It is a funny old would full of not nice things like the hole in the garden I will be told to jump into again in a days time that is full of mud wet and cold but every now and again something nice happens like today which is WELL COOL. . . . . 
  

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Tuesday, 15 January 2013

The Aerodynamics of the Mad March Hare and how to teleport a spider


Well there I was having a busy day of Theoretical Mathematics, The history of the Byzantium Empire in History. The Economics of a double dip recession and Quantitive Easing in Economics.  The Aerodynamics of the Mad March Hare in Natural History. And how to teleport a spider from one large glass jar to another five feet away in Physics by modifying two old microwaves, rather than using Esmeralda’s steam catapult made for the school goat. I think Esmeralda had not thought about the fact that the spider was slightly less than half the weight of the school goat and so the headmaster was rather annoyed by the large hole in the ceiling. The Spider was rather annoyed at finding himself in the freezer section of the out of town supermarket too and as he is a rather large spider as I said about half the weight of the school goat who is, to put it bluntly a bit fat from living on school dinners and sacrificial pupils (Ooooo sorry I was not meant to mention that was still going on……..DAMN sorry Headmaster). Anyway yes the spider was rather annoyed and it was a bit of a shock for the supermarket staff who thought at first it was the goat, but realized when an innocent bag packer was spun into a ball of silk and taken off to a quiet corner to be eaten later. The only good thing is they will appreciate the arrival of the goat a bit more next time, once they have worked out how to get a large spider out of the store.



What was I saying AH yes I was having a busy day, then arriving back home thinking Ooooooo goody I can chill and have a quiet time looking at Mars (OK I have not given up yet I am stubborn) and pondering nice gooey food with thick cream and hundreds and thousands on. When all of a sudden I am in a muddy hole digging mud helping sort out some drainage that needs sorting.  Surely that’s not fair I am not meant to be in muddy holes in winter when it is not only wet and muddy but also cold. Still as the dog says life is all Mud and Sun 


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Monday, 14 January 2013

The Mexican Zombie Wave

I have been attacked by a puddle zombie and am soaking wet, I thought it was just a plain simple puddle but as I approached it, it waved at me. I tried to out run it but failed. so was covered in Zombie Wave luckily I was pulled out by the dog who said it was a Mexican Zombie Wave.

I am OK though which is good

But Google are now convinced I am a terrible Zombie which is bad.

I will try and convince them I am a nice chap and not a monster, with luck

Sunday, 13 January 2013

The day before a possible Snow Zombie and trouble on Mars


Today was a very lazy day indeed I am battling my way through a wet cold winter. I have just been outside and although it is dark we do have about an inch of snow on the ground, it is not the best snow in the world because I don’t think in its present state it will make a very good Snow Zombie but there is a whole night to go yet so maybe by morning a Snow Zombie might be possible. Although it is a school day and I am not allowed to be excused school to make zombies which seems incredibly unfair to me.



I have managed to dismantle a cupboard today that was on a wall,  which is very impressive because it had been put up in such a way as to stop people taking it off the wall, mum was well impressed and said IDIOT before setting the armadillo toaster on me again.  I wonder if it is possible to cut a Snow Zombie in half with a chainsaw or I could attack it with the log splitter, I guess I will need to make the Snow Zombie first but that will not be tonight in the dark or even tomorrow I think; as I need to do the stuff I need to do.

OK off again don’t worry I will make it through these lean times and all will be well again. Ooooooo by the way I might give up on Mars, my computer keeps crashing out on the site and although the very clever Ghost Writer has looked at it he thinks my computer is a bit to old and the internet connection a bit too slow. All a bit ironic when you think it took hours for each of the pictures to be transmitted from Mars in the first place that I may be scuppered from being able to help as a result of not having superfast broadband……. 

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Saturday, 12 January 2013

Chainsaws, Rooks, Music and Snow


I had plans for today after all when you have a new chainsaw to hand and various things that need to be sawn up like logs, seagulls, sofa’s and alien monsters you can be keen to get out there and fire the beast up. Only it was not a nice day in fact at one point it was snowing, it was even snowing when we sat down to eat something at lunch time (in my case a porky pie) and the man on the BBC weather said its OK we wont have any snow today. I did run over to the windows, the oversized UPVC double glazed windows that mean you could see loads of snow falling and shouted at the BBC weatherman telling him he was rubbish.  If it had been nice and not snowing I would have been out chasing aliens and seagulls with a chainsaw not eating pork pie and trying to spot interesting things on that Mars web site. Then doing a bit of painting and pottering about.



I finally decided to upload a bit of drumming by myself and my drumming colleague with a bit of guitar added by the Ghost Writer to that youtube site and well that was about it. I should have done much more, but my theory is that I am doing more than a hibernating bear at present and on a slightly sunnier day I would probably chase a hibernating bear with a chainsaw, as long as it was only a modest sized bear. So that’s it I am going again now to either look at Mars and maybe say Martians Martians I can see Martians under those rooks? Sorry Rocks . . . .  I have a feeling that there are no rooks on Mars. Mmmmmmmm maybe there are, maybe that would explain those black blotches we see everywhere, they are flocks of rooks and the blotches are certainly the right colour. By the way Blotches might not sound very technical but that is the official name for the feature which looks like blotches.

OK I’m off, see you tomorrow enjoy the drumming . . . . . . If you are reading the paperback you will need to synchronise your ipod thing so you can listen to things at the right time. 


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Friday, 11 January 2013

Mad Axe-Men, chainsaws, trees, Samuel Pepys and Uncle Toms Cabin


There is one thing I have found out about writing an internet based Diary in the mould of Samuel Pepys who as we know also had a Ghost Writer called Tom or Peeping Tom as he was known to his pals. And after several incidents in which he claimed he was only looking for aliens poor old Peeping Tom was locked away in a cabin by his relatives where poor old Uncle Tom wrote his own book complaining he was sold down the river by Samuel Pepys who said he was a rubbish Ghost Writer.

Hang on what was I talking about  . . . . . . . . . . AH yes internet diaries (also available as a large pile of paper in three volumes), yes I was going to say one of the things that can get a little disheartening is when suddenly the masses vanish off in a sort of vanishing way, in the same way indeed as  Pepys’s (peeping) Tom insisted the aliens did when he was looking through the windows of his neighbour as 2.00am, Tom like Mr Jones was also  convinced that the best way you hunt aliens was naked….  Of course back then Aliens from space were a minority interest and all showing any sort of interest were treated as witches and followers of the dark arts.

OK yes sorry again it appears everyone has vanished at a time when I am suffering writers block, I think the dog threw it at me through the window a few days ago and I can’t get rid of it now.



 Anyway today saw the return of the mad Axe-Men with chainsaws who finally removed the last of the big tree that was sort of tangled up in all the power lines a bit. Which has now ruined the vicars budding tourist attraction,  the burning bush or burning tree. When folk asked him about the fact it was a huge tree that was burning rather than a bush he would explain that after two thousand years of only modest pruning most bushes become huge monster trees. It is also not a good move to hug a tree in contact with 11000 volts either as many a pilgrim found out although the tea and cake at the vicarage was always a good seller after to settle them down a bit. As the dogs says Nuns are creatures of Habit AHH HAH Hah ah ahahaha h ahah hah aha haha haha ha hah ahhaha hahaha hah ah ah hah ah ha

Sorry distracted again, we now have a big pile of logs for the fire, although they will need to be cut up and stacked until next year. But it has forced dad into buying a proper chainsaw as recommended by mad Axe-Men with chainsaws, so I now have a new toy to play with; I’m sure I once watched a TV show about magic where a man cut a cat in half with a chainsaw, although the programme was abruptly ended mid-show due to some screaming and blood stains on the camera lens.         

I guess I should tell you all what I did today but I have written enough for a person with writers block, although it was nice and sunny today  but for reasons I don’t understand it is now raining, still it is dark and I cant see it so . . . . . . . Ya Sucks Boo rain…….. 


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