Wednesday, 29 February 2012

29th Feb 2012 the launch of Britain’s first manned flight into space




Please note this is not a fake picture I took it as I said today

We are out for a meal in a bit, what with it being leap year and today is that extra day. It sounds great an extra day, only its an extra school day so I am still pondering whether I end up just doing one more day at school. Still it was an interesting day as Esmeralda with assistance from class 16AB+ celebrated the 29th Feb with the launch of Britain’s first manned flight into space. Well I say manned because as everyone pointed out the school mascot, the Goat is the same weight as a man.

I even got a fairly good photograph of the rocket as it was approaching the height to jettison the boaster jets required for takeoff. Thanks to the mathematics teachers it was worked out they would fall to earth in Mr Evans the farmer’s field which they did, it was unfortunate that the sheep were standing where they were at the time. But on the bright side it was roast lamb and crackling for lunch YUM, although the slight aroma of aviation fuel did put some of the girls off.

The flight was going well right up to the point that mission control, the geography class said to the goat have you read the manual yet. Even I knew that was a mistake the goat only knows a few words and red is one of them. So it hit the red button and the next thing you know, we see the goat quietly parachuting into the fresh vegetables section of the out of town supermarket (again). Still although the goat did not make it into space and the US air force shot down the rocket for infringing USA airspace, it appears the Goat now holds the world record height attained by a goat in a rocket.

The Lemming of Petrograd have had a great day they love leap years and have celebrated in the traditional lemming way. They love a great party of leaping off things after a few Russian vodka’s but as mum says they will regret it in the morning. Still they have four years to recover.

Oooooo by the way I got to saw a 25ft tree down, yes I know sawing down trees sounds bad but it was growing into some power lines and everyone thought who is stupid enough to try and saw that down. So I thought WELL COOL, anyway it was only 25,000 volts or was it 250,000 volts?

It was a nice day for a leap year



Tuesday, 28 February 2012

Rebekah Brooks the horse and very confused Alien Mushroom Creatures From Venus


There I was minding my own business pondering what I should write in my diary, should it be yet another quiet day at school watching the seagulls eating chips again and or discovering that the maths teachers large abacus when placed on the floor beads down makes a brilliant luge and that the corridors of the science block are almost an exact replica of the fabled Cresta Run. There is nothing more exciting than passing the physics teacher at 70mph lying on a luge (sorry abacus).

As I was saying I was pondering all this and listening to the wireless and eating a rather yummy stir fry.

So as I listened to the news on the wireless and the continuing death of the people of Syria, Mr Napoleon Beelzebub is not a happy man (Devil) and I was thinking will I discuss politics or the now rather large mushrooms in the box containing the Strange Alien Mushroom Creatures From Venus. Or maybe the rather good bonfire I had after school where I was allowed to burn all sorts of old unneeded spy stuff and a large pile of conifer from the once virgin unexplored forests of just outside our house.

Then in an instant everything suddenly changed by a story on the news about a horse. Now as you know I am not bitter and twisted that it was a horse that convinced the very nice Steven Spielberg to abandon my manuscript in preference for one full of war and horses. Leaving me abandoned in cyberspace with a few friends and a mad Ghost Writer for ever to write the longest story (ever) in the world. But really no longer had I thought to myself well it will be cat food now anyway, so no sequel for that horse. When dam it another one turns up. This time it appears that Mel Brooks (sorry Rebekah) Woman from the News of the World was given one by the police to look after, or as they said on the news adopted. ADOPTED WHAT???? Really I don’t really mind horses that much but people are going to have to watch they don’t take over the world because if both the right hand man of Steven Spielberg and Rupert Murdoch are not men but horses all I can say is something is going on.



Imagine the confusion of the Strange Alien Mushroom Creatures From Venus when they say take me to your leader and everyone points at a horse. What is more worrying it that these things come in threes so I am keeping a look out for the third one. The dog says it is all turning into a pantomime and has fallen about in hysterics …….. and mum has added IDIOT


Oooooo yes ............ one other thing we had huge claw marks in the concrete outside the cat flap this morning which might explain why the cats are not happy going out at night. Not sure what it is but it is not a horse PHEW…… 


I would thank Mr ESB for his contribution in the writing of this entry, without him there would be no abacus


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Monday, 27 February 2012

The Kreativ Blogger Award from Miss Lily

I have been awarded an award by my one of my favourite blogs Miss Lily. It is a Kreative Blogger Award and as some one who’s blog is not really an award Blog  (that's mine)I would like to say many thanks 


As with these things there are conditions and as is with me I never abide by the rules (I think I did in the end). I am expected to link to the award giver well that’s done as I follow Miss Lily Blog already and jolly good it is too, I made Miss Lily a member of my own little Group of bloggers The RAT’s or Radical Abstract Thinkers. You can only join if I let you and I have high standards so it is rather exclusive so far. Just four Blogs and one of those is mine. Which takes us to another condition I am expected to recommend six blogs ………….. AH. Yes OK I follow a few more blogs these days but feel I can only recommend a few (I did 6 WELL COOL) that I have followed for a while and like what they have written over time. So

 This is Miss Lily Blog who has awarded the award. A member of the RAT's 



Humferry Hobbart another of my favourite Blogs and guess what. A member of the RAT's


Mr ESB the newest member of the Rat's and a mind that thinks about things a bit like me I think


 The Blog of Hootchhannah ........... This is not a strange blog so Hootchhannah is not a member of the RAT's but has kept and likes rats, but I like this blog a lot it is a good blog to follow  


I also like this but then I have an interest in Art 

And I really like this but then it is my other blog so HAH HAHHAHA HAHH HAH HAHH HAH HAHah aha hah hhah hah ha ha h

There are a couple of others But as I am new to following them I will leave it at that I have just one request of you all ................. no more awards as I hate speeches. talking of which (not the magazine or spell maker)



I am also expected to reveal information about me MMmmmmmmm as you know I am the eccentric child of cyberspace. But am I also a grumpy old Ghost Writer who sailed the seven seas as a Robot Submarine Pilot and is a partner in a well known shop fronted by a bloke with small pointy horns on his head and a like for heat(not the magazine but the temperature)............. AM I ............. No or AM I .............?

I do make Cardboard Robots too and am a member of the Monty Cardboard Robot Club OK the only member right now, which reminds me I really do have to make a cardboard robot model of an athlete reading poetry for an exhibition on in June with some high fliers …… YICKS. I play djembe and as it happens am rather good OK very good OK absolutely B************ Brilliant and modest by the way so WOW must be good then.

I really can’t spell or type or proof read and would love to publish my diary in real book format (it would compliment the album then?) and did you know the Ghost Writer worked in a research laboratory making  strange electronic stuff when he was not old and grumpy.

I am also very scruffy and forget stuff like ……………………………………… ????? Its important stuff too so best not forgotten. I know is important because I wrote don’t forget the important stuff although I can’t find the note to remind me not to forget. The note reminded me too even though I can’t remember where it is, so job half done.

oooo yes I own a White Falcon (not the bird)

OK that’s that ………. Many thanks Miss Lily for the extra work and time and effort I have had to spend doing all this (only kidding) Keep up the good work on that blog of yours .....DAM look at the time now tea and chocolate needed

MISS LILY  THE BLOG

Job Done

Normality, Harry Potter and the Pheasant


    
Dam today was quiet, everything at school was normal, Maths English German History Chemistry (not a single BANG), and Art. Just as they should be not a single event of any interest even the seagulls were just chilling eating the occasional chip after lunch from the remains of the mass exodus to the Chip Shop for the regulation school lunch. And the headmaster, wandering about in the playground pointing at stuff, with one of the school governors. Who had taken the headmasters advice and was wearing a full face crash helmet.    

When I say (pointing at stuff with one of the school governors) I don’t mean the headmaster was lifting the school governor up and pointing them at the particular item to be pointed at. Although with a red crash helmet on they would have made a good pointer (not the breed of dog), No the headmaster was pointing at stuff with his hands same as I do when I point at stuff although I sometimes use a stick or one of those hand held steam powered laser pointing things.  I have told dad most people have battery powered laser pointers and the steam operated one fills rooms up with steam, but I must admit the laser looks well cool in steam.

Then the school bus did not get kidnapped, it has been ages since that happened doesn’t time fly. Dam it I used that silly saying again about time and I am not going to discuss that again now (maybe another time HAH HAHAHH Hah hahahah hahah ahahah haha hah hah Haahanah). Mum said IDIOT again.  Everything was normal at home, well as normal as it normally is and everyone was pottering about.

How come Bloody Harry Potter gets a word named after him that is all nice; I am just pottering about la de da de da ho hum potter potter. I have the word robbing Me and Harry have just nicked that nice little old ladies pension HAH HAH AHHHAH HAH HHAHHHA and we scarred her cat up a tree HAHAHHAHH HHAH hah Rob rob rob…….. ……….  lovely job gov.

I think I have discussed that all before too, I am starting to think that Harry Potter and the Horse are trying to discredit my diary by messing with the plot. Still where is Harry Potter now (HAH HAH AHAHHHAH HA) a spent force destroyed by a slightly dodgy happy ending which reminds me I must watch that last movie of his sometime, it has got to be better than the one before the last one, that was rubbish.

Sorry back to today and the diary as I said nothing has happened so I well I have nothing to write about (again).

Oooooo it was grey and raining not a nice day, OK that’s it bye.   

And I saw a pheasant


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Sunday, 26 February 2012

Man's need to explore the unknown





It has been a beautiful sunny day today, the best day of the year by far and so me and the dog explored the inner depths of a clump of conifer trees which we estimated may not have been explored for at least a thousand years. It is places like this that small micro climates can evolve and within them entire worlds. So we were extremely encouraged by unknown foot prints and the remains of bones. The dog was convinced they were the bones of a creature as yet undiscovered by man too………. WELL COOL

As we battled our way through the conifers, it involved a lot a sawing and hacking with a machete by me, much to the disgust of the dog. Who complained that it is all well and good exploring the unknown, but to make a bloody great path through it rather messes the whole thing up. I did point out he is huge and was making a bigger path than me. So we put this destruction of the unknown microclimate down to progress, and mans need to explore the unknown.  We both agreed in the end a nice tarmac road would make exploring so much easier in an unexplored jungle, and maybe a nice café.

Anyway after a long hunt for further adventure and lost tribes, we arrived at the enclosure of a large strange white noisy beast .OK it was a goose we had gone in a huge circle and arrived back where we started, near next doors geese. It did give us time to do some forensic research on the as yet unknown bones; we even found what appeared to be the remains of a box. So we assumed that the bones were part of an ancient sacrifice to the gods and on closer investigation the box appeared to have the letters KFC written on the lid in what appeared to be blood almost completely faded with the sun and time. The dog says this stands for King Fenrir Camaxtli and he would know as he is not only from the jungles of South America but looks like a scary wolf too, so enough said.

Dad is pleased because (assuming the paperwork all pans out OK) the solar panels on the roof have made £7:25p today, I did say THAT’S COOL CAN I HAVE  MORE POCKET MONEY THEN but he said NO……. ……. ……. NOT FAIR. I even offered him the strange bones in the remains of its container with the KFC on the lid but dad said IDIOT so did mum as it happens. And the Dog has eaten the bones now. It a tough life being an intrepid explorer.  


YUM



Saturday, 25 February 2012

The last week of Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop


I have been pottering about in cyberspace and have suddenly realized that it is well past 9:00pm and I have not even thought about what I am going to write tonight, and I am eating chocolate mini-rolls and drinking tea.  As it happens this situation is not as bad as it may seem as I seldom have a clue what I will write even as I write it. I keep hearing; plan your story if you are going to write a book, but I think Nnnnaaaaaaaa I will work on the chaos theory (as discussed sometime ago) and all will be well.

Dad had to go off to the Kwik-fit man in Newtown to have his tyre pressures checked because Kwik-fit use Nitrogen not air to fill the tyres. It is a cunning plan because no one else does that, so you have to go back to them to get them checked, he also had a dipped headlight needing replacing and wiper blades.

Now all this seems rather dull and boring but there is one interesting thing here, it is surprising how many cars have headlights and side lights that don’t work at this time of year. It is not particularly cold so why is it that in January and February in the UK it is rather common to find vehicles with duff lights. The dog says it is just the fact they are on more in winter, but is that true, those Volvo’s have lights on come what may (MAY HAH HAHAHHAH HAH HAHah haha hahh aha  OK sorry) and even dad drives with lights on most of the year. That was just a small observation on the world in passing. I am not sure the nice Steven Spielberg would be interested when making the epic movie. Although Close Encounters of the Third Kind would be rubbish if the sidelights and headlights had not been working.

My rather good professional proof reader for the manuscript of the block buster movie, is still having to travel to hospital each day where her partner is very poorly. But we did get a little more news tonight.

And one week today exactly will be the last day of Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop, the stock is vanishing rather fast at present but as he says WE DON’T WANT NICE STUFF ENDING UP DOWN IN THE UNDERWORLD SPOILING MY INMATES SORRY GUESTS. He is planning to have homemade cake and wine and nibbles on the last Saturday to say farewell to all the regulars, as he thinks most of them will avoid ending up back with him later.  Then once he sorts things out he is off to talk to yet another Middle Eastern leader about their future in Hell. What is it with politic leaders of countries? Surely one day someone nice will turn up somewhere, Maybe I should consider ruling the world……. ………. ……….. ……… .Mum just said IDIOT…….. ……OK maybe I will just hide in a classic 1970’s bungalow in the hills.

Right that’s it for tonight just a quick read to see if it makes sense ………. Mum said IDIOT again now? ……… 

Done 

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Friday, 24 February 2012

looking at the ISS with a goat in a wet suit breathing oxygen on the top of a pylon.


I have abandoned looking at the International Space Station tonight. That sounds like I plan to have a little tour round it which would be cool but no I merely refer to its fly over, no not the road type fly over but the ISS flying over head. And by that I don’t mean it was planning to follow my head about although there is no reason why it could not do that?

Anyway all I am saying it that it is very overcast AGAIN and so the chance of seeing it is remote. I think tonight is the last night it passes us for a while too. Which is just as well as Esmeralda was planning to catapult a goat at it

She is not being cruel by the way she has fitted it up with an oxygen bottle borrowed from her Granny and a wet suit to protect it from the UV radiation.  

I have just looked outside to be sure and believe it or not there was a small break in the cloud and we did see a satellite. But before anyone could inform Esmeralda that it was not the ISS, just one of mums Russian spy satellites there was a huge ping sound and the goat was on its way to space.






Well of course it was never going to get there was it, Esmeralda’s maths are rubbish and it is now safely back on the ground, well it is on the top of a large pylon at present. Why is it when you phone the emergency services to get the fire brigade to come and rescue a goat in a wet suit breathing oxygen, from the top of a pylon, you get shouted at. They say I am wasting the time of the emergency services with stupid calls NOT FAIR if I said the cat was stuck up a tree they would come and save it, and the goat needs them more than the cat does. As it happens the cat is up a tree, he was freighted by a goat in a wet suit shouting Geronimooooooooooooooo oooooooo ooooooooo AuuuuuUGHHHHHHhhhhhhhh.

Interestingly at school today the History teacher asked us what can we learn from history and I told him if your name is say King Harold you should not go out looking up at the sky for the International Space Station it will only lead to trouble………… The History teacher said IDIOT.  

We have started an ECO warrior experiment today involving chilli seed. If you buy a packet of chilli seed it will cost £2:85p, well it did round here and you get 6 seeds in it. That is nearly 50p a chilli seed O MY GOD that’s weight for weight more that the price of gold. So we have also put the seeds from half a fresh chilli from the shop (much cheaper) in a similar pot in the same compost and we will see which one grows the best. We got 15 seeds from half the chilli too.

I was convinced this morning today was Saturday?

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Thursday, 23 February 2012

The offer of one million pounds by a Russian industrialist for the Flying Goat


Another quiet day at school where the school mascot appears to have finally got the hang of landing. Esmeralda said it would in the end, after all it has been catapulted that many times over the school now it is starting to become a tourist attraction. The Headmaster has already been offered over one million pounds by a Russian industrialist for the Flying Goat. But the headmaster is holding out for another half a million for the new science wing. It seems appropriate that a Flying Goat should pay for a wing.


We were out looking for the international Space Station tonight but it was very cloudy again so sadly we did not see it, but we did see bats (the flying ones like the goat), they seemed quite large so I will try and find out what type they are. Trouble is bats tend not to hang about long enough to get a good look at them (hang about HA HAH HAH HAH HAH Hah ahahha ahahha hah h). Mum said IDIOT.


 We were planning to have a Chinese takeaway from the Chinese takeaway in Bishops Castle (its good there) but it was closed, they have gone on holiday and will not be back until the 7th March, so we thought we would try the chip shop in Bishops Castle because so far everyone has said it is really good, only it was not good at all. Maybe we got them on an off day and it was still quite early so they had not really got going yet but it was rubbish.

Sooty the Cat is limping rather badly too, his leg appears to be OK but his Toes or not (do cats have toes ……………Only when the breakdown on the motorway HA HAHAHH hah hah ha hahh hah hhah hahha hah ahhaha ha h a) mum said IDIOT again. He seems happy enough and is eating as normal so loads of food. We wonder if the squirrels have been fighting back and have tried to take a bite out of Sooty but Sooty is not telling, he is after all a very stupid cat ……. No he really is probably the most stupid cat we have ever owned. 

A story of 200 words (think of this as The Potters Wheel)


I am just pointing out to those of you who follow me in cyberspace this little story is a story as part of some sort of competition it is not tonight's diary entry I still have to do that HO HUM anyway here it is a little story 200 words long and starting with Shadows crept across the wall ......ending in everything faded .............. and mentioning the word Orange? 




Shadows crept across the wall, they were round vague, I could hear little at first then thud thud thud thud it continued until I decided to investigate. But it was dark I had been sleeping and the shadows were the result of something in the kitchen. I could hear whispers and small feet moving about. As I entered the kitchen I found the cats trying to juggle Oranges, I’ve told them not to do that, but encouraged by the dog and the lemmings of Petrograd and the Banshees from the woods they were entertaining.  Cats are not good at juggling and so the oranges were rolling along the table and falling off the side onto an old Orange box (that’s a box painted orange not a box with more oranges in).

They had the fridge open to back light their stage, the kitchen table and the dog was helping himself to cold beer and even offering it to the lemmings of Petrograd, lemmings are a bit rowdy after a few beers and I thought I better close and padlock the fridge which I did very slowly and as the door closed, I said show over and everyone and  everything faded.........

The Blogging from A to Z challenge 2012





OK Just to let you know I am going to have a go at this A to Z thing although I don't have a clue what I am meant to be doing really, but I thought, what the hell Rob between myself, the dog , the Ghost Writer and Captain Flint the Parrot we will give it a shot. Nothing ventured nothing gained and all that. So come Sunday the first of April I will start at A and work my way through the alphabet to Z at the end of the month. Yes I know A to Z is twenty six letters but we get days off for good behaviour I think. As a rebel of sorts I will be looking for chinks in the armour to go off on obscure tangents. Yes you cant beat a bit of geometry and mathematics to attract the punters.

What is particularly difficult is that I write my diary every day on the day and now I have to do that with a particular letter as the theme. Still it says CHALLENGE and so it will be. It would be easy just to make stuff up in advance and post on the right day and just write about anything but I will not be doing that O no it will be live on the evening of the day, all part of my simple and rather dull diary of everyday life, slightly distorted by cyberspace and the Ghost Writers brain.

And as I have said many times I cant spell or type or proof read so .................. AH.

OK chaps good luck see you later......

I bet there is no big gold cup at the end of the Blogging At OZ Challenge either (Who?)

oooooooo one other thing I am rather forgetful so I might start several days late.... 

Wednesday, 22 February 2012

The Dell Gazelle and a paradox of metrological boredom






It was a very grey day today, classic winter weather in the UK, the epitome of non weather, truly uninteresting in fact so truly uninteresting that it was in fact interestingly uninteresting making today a paradox of metrological boredom. I do have to add to that, that I was at one point in the day out of view of the day, deep within the bowels of the schools classrooms. We are obliged to do our Nuclear Science lesson in a reinforced concrete bunker in the cellar with Professor Frank Isfine who now glows in the dark after a long career of mishaps (sorry teaching).


The Ghost Writer said he had to deal with the curse of the return to Brecon and a grey office as well as a long trip on the grey roads. But is fairly chirpy because he found his elusive trogon horse, as it turned out he found a little herd of virus’s hiding in an unsuspecting Dell computer. Apparently according to the Ghost Writer computer virus are like this they reflect nature once one has got its teeth into its host, others see the weakness and the next think you know the Dell Gazelle has been brought to its knees and is being picked clean by a gaggle of nasty critters with pointy teeth. Its like in that movie when Bambi gets eaten by the terrordactyls and everyone goes AAAAAAAAAAAA I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT.  As the Ghost Writer says at times both Nature and Computing are Bastards. I must go now I have things to do and a cat is looking at me and wagging its tail.  
  
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Tuesday, 21 February 2012

The capitalist pig and the eco warrior and a Ukulele Banjo and the Saxophone


Pancake Tuesday was the 8th March last year so this year it is a bit earlier. And it is always worth having a little look back in time to see what happened. Well as you might expect me and the dog ate lots of pancakes but Pirate Pete stuck to his Ships biscuits with the weevils in. When I say stuck I am not referring to glued to his biscuit, none of us like to be glued to a biscuit full of weevils. And Auntie Karen tried to burn down the school although as she said at the time it was lovely and sunny so no one minded too much.

I refer back to these events because this year it is sort of grey and the International Space Station (nudge nudge wink wink) is low flying over head every night, although tonight it was not possible to see it due to low cloud. But we have eaten loads of pancakes, well most of us have as Sooty the Cat wanted Squirrel pancakes and we were all out of Squirrel as the local ones have sussed the cats, and so far have escaped capture (just).

I don’t think Auntie Karen has set fire to anything this year and is giving up the world of knowledge to concentrate on playing the Ukulele Banjo and the Saxophone and perfecting the art of juggling both at the same time while playing that old favourite of my blog and the squirrels Tip Toe Through The Tulips. Auntie Karen has told us she plans to pursue a new career as one of the idol rich, although mum says there is one small error in Auntie Karen’s plan. I tried to ask what this error was but mum said IDIOT ……….. that’s NOT FAIR.

Talking of NOT FAIR the Ghost Writer has said this several times today as he has to go to Brecon tomorrow to look at the Trogon Horse in cyberspace, which he says is the wrong side of the firewall. Well that is Trogon horses for you. As the old saying goes “don’t look a gift horse in the mouth and so on”. That’s the thing with horses you can’t trust them I am sure it was that horse that ruined my opportunity of making the blockbuster movie with the nice Steven Spielberg. He kept whispering in Mr Spielberg’s ear HAY HAY OVER HERE and then the next thing you know the bloody horse is a celeb.     

School is ticking along as school should, but I did get to pick the lock to the headmasters office as he had left his keys at home and was trying to kick the door down. I then had to pick the lock to the exam filing cabinet and the school safe. Esmeralda was well impressed and wants me to show her how to do stuff like that, but after the incident with the history teacher’s car when I showed Esmeralda how to hot wire one of those new Jaguars I think it might be best if I don’t.

I am sure something else happened today but I can’t remember.

Oooo yes dad has got his solar panels forms in the post now to beat the 3rd March deadline. Mum has called him a capitalist pig but dad says he’s an ECO warrior

Monday, 20 February 2012

The International Space Station, the Steam Powered Nano Spy Flybot and the Strange Alien Mushroom Creatures from Venus


I am late. I am sorry about that, trouble with the flybot spy nano technology on dads steam powered nano spy flybot. We have made it to watch the Strange Alien Mushroom Creatures from Venus. It is clear that something is going on. We have the so called International Space Station in the sky this week in the evening, just as the mushrooms are starting to appear on mass out of the compost of the mushroom box. And as both dad and the dog have said, that is too much of a coincidence.

Mum says she saw the International Space Station as predicted, but I was drumming with my drumming colleague at the time trying to communicate with the Strange Alien Mushroom Creatures from Venus that we think must be hiding in the wood. Probably beamed down somehow from their mother ship cunningly disguised as the innocent so called International Space Station. Mum says IDIOTS but it was interesting that my drumming colleague had to return home early because he was not feeling well …….. Yes I think that is rather strong proof that things are a foot (not as in a foot attached to a leg, but as in not as they should be).

Anyway the Steam Powered Nano Spy Flybot instead of spying on the aliens got aliens and cats confused and was following the cats (Heavy Harry and Sooty) assuming they were the aliens. So in order to tweak the programming as dad put it we had to catch it.

Its at times like that when you wish dad had not included a stealth mode or defensive laser weapons. But in the end we enticed it close enough to trap the little critter on some fly paper using a jar of home made march mallow jam that’s glows in the dark ………YUM. It is working correctly now (the flybot not the jam although that is fine too) and I have taken a photo of the  Steam Powered Nano Spy Flybot watching the Strange Alien Mushroom Creatures from Venus just in case any of you are thinking he’s off on one of his elaborate stories again with not a word of truth in it.  However you wont say that when you are being marched into a large space battle cruiser by a huge mushroom in a couple of year’s time



Yes its the creeping unknown .......Again

Sunday, 19 February 2012

Fox News .... Professor Abraham van Helsing revels all in The Sun on Sunday. Meanwhile another branch of Shrubs is axed



After another game of paper scissors stone I found myself pruning two rather large shrubs near the top of our garden, close to the drive, OK yes that makes us sound like we live in some sort of yuppy mansion. As you know we don’t, we live in classic 1970’s bungalow with over sized UPVC double glazed windows previously owned by a little old lady for something approaching thirty years. So while I pruned (not the fruit, but with a saw) everyone else was painting a room a dark mulberry colour.  

As you all know we do not entirely like the inside of our house white, so dark mulberry is much better. There is a great master plan which mum and dad have although I am not allowed to know master plans because they say I then put them in my diary, but I have explained that is the whole point of a diary.

OK yes the pruning why is it what looks like a small branch when attached to a large shrub turns out to be huge when it is falling towards you from a great height and then takes three people to shift it.  Unfortunately there was only me as the dog said it was not a bone and therefore of no interest although he did rattle out some sort of Latin name for the shrub adding Yo Ho Ho Three men in a Shrub.

On the wireless I noticed that Mr Murdoch from News International is saying he plans to have a new Sunday newspaper to replace the News of the World called The Sun on Sunday. Napoleon Beelzebub has just added oooo yes that reminds me I better do some paperwork just in CASE; I am not sure what that means.  Now you will be thinking why mention this, but I have a reason. In cyberspace one of my followers (now I sound like some sort of leader ….. I am not) a Mr Van Helsing or Batman to his friends, has told me that I wrongly accused the Fox of chewing off the leg of Elvis (that’s Spy Elvis not the one on the moon) and it was in fact the Squirrels so I think I need to contact Mr Murdoch as I think I have his first major headline for the first edition of the Sun on Sunday.

“Breaking News Fox innocent, Squirrels chewed off the leg of Elvis. Batman revels all.”

 Professor Abraham van Helsing says its a dam shame, that News International has had the life blood sucked out of it. Luckily I sold my stake in the company some time ago and bought commodities in particular silver bullets, things are looking Grave.

Apparently Ex News International reporter Mr Vamp is available for hire HAAHAH HAHAH HAH AHHA HHAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HHAH HAhah hah hahaha haha hhah hah ha …………. …… AH ………………. …………………….. ……………………. Mum says IDIOT

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Saturday, 18 February 2012

Elvis is Everywhere even the International Space Station


Our neighbour popped round to see mum at one point today with a small piece of paper, but only I was in. So instead of saying something like the lighthouse is glowing in the corn field, I will drive the combine harvester to the market on Friday which is what all these spy people say to one another. She said Hello Rob I thought you might like this. A cunning deception to distract me from the suspicion she is a spy.

Now you might wonder why I think our neighbour is a spy. After all to the outside world she and her husband as a quiet retired couple minding their own business and doing stuff that retired folk do. But I have been told by them that they have a spy camera hidden in a bird box that can see all sorts of things and not only that can record every sound over a large area. So there you have it is not long ago I was discussing Spy Rocks and now we have Spy bird  nesting boxes. Which all ties in with recent headlines about drone bots the size of small birds than can sneak into high security secret places and do things like steal secrets. 

On the piece of paper was information and not just any information it was this

International Space Station
Rise from the West

Monday           20th     7:20pm
Tuesday          21st      6:21pm
Wednesday     22nd     7:09pm
Thursday        23rd      6:12pm
Friday             24th      6:51pm

She said if we watch the sky at these times we will see the International Space Station
going across the sky if we look towards the south. But well I think there is a cunning master plan at work. The dog says it might be Starbucks and the space station will be sending subliminal messages or pulling a huge banner saying Starbucks Coffee Make Space For It.

As I mentioned at the time of the latest Spy Rock story in my diary, the dog made a life size Rock Spy Elvis but what I have failed to mention until now it had its leg chewed off by a fox while the dog was conducting night tests on his spy Elvis. We think it might have been the sequined suit because foxes hate sequins and the shaky Elvis leg may have encouraged some sort of mating ritual that went badly wrong. Luckily we still had some old pirate wooden legs from back in the day so ……… Elvis Lives YAAAAAAAAAA. Mum just said IDIOT. 




There is only one song that can possibly be used with tonight's Diary entry

Friday, 17 February 2012

Mice and men and cats and Starbucks coffee and the evil master plan


It is nice to know that sometimes what may appear to the great masses of the general public that follow my diary in its various forms, silly mad ideas and comments can in fact come back as comments in the real world. Two women in Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Curiosity Shop were over heard today discussing the university degree of one the women’s sons. Yes he had a first class honours degree and was now working in Starbucks and several of his university friends were now doing the same in various parts of Britain.

Of course this is not news to me, I have been aware that Starbucks are working on a great master plan to recruit all the best university students Britain has too offer, and then use them to develop a new mind bending coffee. This will allow them (Starbucks) to take over the world (Well Britain) by turning the British public into zombies, after all we all know coffee will keep you awake and after several sleepless nights the mind is easily manipulated. What neither myself nor (gnaw HA HAH AH HAha hah hhah hah hah) the dog have yet to really work out is why Starbucks plan to do this, what is their great master plan of evil. There was a time when the British would not be seen dead drinking posh decadent coffee in the privacy of their own home yet alone on a six foot high stool in the window of a coffee shop with a million people passing by.

As I am typing we have reset the cat catcher to catch the cat, the black and white cat. It is a cunning beast and an adversary equal even to my own, in ways of cat catching. Only last night it tried to humiliate me by escaping, running between my legs as I lifted the flap of the cat catcher (the dog assures me that I was definitely humiliated). But one thing is very clear about the black and white cat he has his wits about him, so I think I can safely say he has never been to Starbucks for a coffee. I don’t think quick witted cats are part of the Starbucks master plan, just a by product. As I have said previously even the best laid plans of mice and men have unforeseen consequences, although clever cats is bigger worry for mice than it is for men.

I have been filling some cracks in the plaster on the extension of the house that have probably needed filling for at least ten years, I must learn not to play paper scissors stone when no one wants to do DIY

OK two weeks tomorrow will be the very last day open of Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Curiosity Shop, as he moves on to higher places (Sorry lower places). It will be very sad. But I will not have to spend days folding and cutting invites to previews of exhibitions by artists so it will be GREAT. That reminds me I must get on with making The International Olympian for the other exhibition.   
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Thursday, 16 February 2012

A day in the life of a mushroom and the cat that can walk on water.


Well what has happened today first we have harvested the first mushroom and it will be eaten tonight as part of a mushroom omelette. Now I personally like mushroom omelette, but I know not everyone is a fan so I will not linger on the subject …….. YUM.  

Yes this is the mushroom I grew WELL COOL

I have taken several photos of the sky today, for my back up book The Sky from the Earth because we all know what that very nice man Steven Spielberg is like. As it happens when in discussion the other night someone said War Horse was like Black Beauty. So mmmm ….. I think I will give it a miss.

The sky this morning at 8:30am or there abouts  


The dog has just said what’s that Skippy, the horse fell down the old mine shaft and is now rolling about on the kitchen floor in hysterics.  OK yes the Sky from the Earth (the alternative book) ….. For some strange reason we don’t know we keep getting stripy skies here. I am sure a meteorologist would be able to say AH yes that’s due to Bar Cold from the north or something like that, but sadly I do not have any  meteorologists as friends anywhere in cyberspace so I  can only speculate. The dog has now added there ASDA be a good reason for this reason for this and is in Hysterics again, although mum has added IDIOT.

Our classic 1970's bungalow with loads of solar panels on the roof


The solar panels are working as they should work and dad says we have earned three quid (that’s pounds to my international readers) and bearing in mind it has been overcast and it is February, the middle of the British winter, he recons that is fairly good. In the summer he says we will be able to turn everything on in the house and still have power to spare, I am not sure that is quite what you are meant to do.

Finally, and luckily I have a witness to this Sooty the Cat was sat rather close to the edge of the pond at one point today. And Heavy Harry the Cat saw an opportunity to sort of give him a nudge, which he did. Sooty fell in the pond which is about three feet deep but he did not sink and get soaked as we thought he would, no he ran very very fast across the pond like in a cartoon getting out the other side with only wet legs. Neither me or my witness know how the hell he did that, and I don’t have it on camera either but he did run across the water and got out the other side????????? Very strange. I have asked my witness to this event to confirm this, and they have said unless I get twenty pounds by midnight I will say it’s a lie ……………………………..AH, not what I was hoping for.


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Wednesday, 15 February 2012

The warriors of the Electricity Conspiracy Organisations (ECO) and a USB memory device


As promised the Ghost writer did take me to Brecon, but all did not turn out as the Ghost Writer would have hoped, in fact it looks like he will be making another trip to Brecon next week only without me. Not that I did anything wrong and the only person I electrocuted was being muttered at by the Ghost Writer anyway so he didn’t notice much as he thought they were leaping about for being told off.

The Ghost Writer, as you all know is an IT guru and so we got to play the old game “find the pea” only instead of shells we got to use USB memory sticks and the pea was in fact a Trojan, not the lot that made the big horse, but a virus. Anyway the Ghost Writer got very angry and grumpy because his own USB memory device not only got the virus but it had all its files zapped.  

Well he has warned them about musical USB devices and this is what can happen, I said he was going to be grumpy today. He thinks the result of all this will be everyone moaning at him when its not his fault as there are strange things happening on that particular network that even the Great Guru of IT at the end of a phone cant sort out so the Ghost Writer stands no chance. He actually disagrees with that because he says he will hit things with a large stick, where the Great Guru of IT at the end of the phone relies on just techy stuff and sometimes that just does not work.

The Solar panels are all on the roof and working just in time for the sunset so it appears we have generated forty three pence worth of power so far WELL COOL and we have a very shiny roof. Dad also thinks he has a cunning plan to store power to batteries during the day so that he can run outside lights in the summerhouse and his workshop at night on a twelve volt system. It is all part of our new ECO warrior lifestyle.

The dog says that ECO stands for Electricity Conspiracy Organisations, who are various groups of people who have a wide range of views about power companies, generation of electricity, and the use of electricity in general. Everything from All power companies are Total ****** ******* *********** B******* ******* to  trying to be green, when I say green I not only mean saving power and not using non renewable power sources. But I also refer to Mr Clarks organization who dress up as Martians and are waiting in the woods at night for the event they call The Event which will involve lots of electricity and marsh mallows. It could happen any day they say so be prepared, or as they say in the movies KEEP WATCHING THE SKIES. Mum by the way says Mr Clark is an IDIOT and the dog says Mr Clark’s from Kent ……… HAHHAHAah ahh ahahahah ha hah hah hah hah hahah hahahahh hah hah ah hahhhhahahh hahahahah  

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Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Photo-voltaic panels, deadlines and a nice curry


It has been an eventful day as the men and the Photo-voltaic panels for the roof turned up to start fitting the fittings and then the panels.  It is all go because there is a deadline set by the government which says, you must meet a deadline for a prize (A good prize). But if you miss the first deadline a man will say you missed the deadline, but we will give you some money (a bit), but not as much as you would have got. But if you miss the second deadline well then there is no prize and you do not get to pass go.

On top of that mum and dad had to drive in a huge circle that took almost half the day to do so that they could arrive back where they started.  Actually mum is at Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop as it now only has three weeks left before he returns to the underworld, and the curiosity shop turns into a shop.

The good news is that we are all off for a curry tonight at the very nice Indian restaurant in Monty with Mr Charlie and Miss Jane to discuss life the universe and stuff. So tonight’s diary entry is shortish.
The bad news is its  Valentine's Day which dad always forgets like lots of chaps, because as dad says it is what men do, forget stuff, like birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas and well loads of stuff.

And bad news for those of you planning to put solar panels on your roof. It appears that after the 1st April (I think) unless your house meets rather exacting standards in efficiency regarding electricity use, insulation etc you will not be allowed to add them. As there will be someone going out to inspect the house to ensure it meets these rather demanding new standards (I say all this but I know nothing, so best to check).  I only add this last little paragraph in order to be informative and useful to the great British public, sort of.

Please note that last paragraph will be removed in the block buster movie

The Ghost Writer has promised to take me to Brecon tomorrow, Well Cool maybe, as long as he is not grumpy (OK he will be grumpy). 

A valentines day song