Tuesday, 31 January 2012

Cinderella and Beelzebub, a fairytale of love and morality. With no laser weapons, cats or dog


English today and yes it was writing fairy tales again. This happens to us from time to time, we are minding our own business reading a bit of Homer, Alistair MacLean or Shakespeare and all of a sudden we are told OK time to write another fairy tale this time it also had no more bears RoB or else added to the end. Well that’s not fair. So here is yet another fairy tale (well it is cold and misty and Winter).

Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl called Cinderella who had two ugly step-sisters, Cinderella did not like having ugly step-sisters and would say to them O YOU ARE SO UGLY and the ugly step-sisters would go BUT BUT BUT BUT NOT FAIR. Cinderella made life for the step-sisters rather difficult by telling everyone she had to work all day and was locked away in the cellar at night. Everyone would boo the ugly step-sisters who would say BUT BUT BUT BUT NOT FAIR a lot, and they found it very difficult to make friends because everyone said they were ugly.

Then one day the handsome prince in the castle decided to have a big party and invite everyone. Cinderella saw her chance and went to her father and said Ooooo Daddy dear can I have some glass slippers and because she was beautiful he said yes spending a small fortune on them. She then blagged a posh horse drawn stagecoach from a hire company who said OK then as you are so beautiful.  The step-sisters had to walk because their father had blown all his money on glass slippers and people booed them and said they were too ugly for the ball and they said BUT BUT BUT BUT NOT FAIR. Anyway at the Ball, Cinderella put her plan into operation; she knew the ways of handsome princes in fairy tales. And so  at the right moment did a runner leaving a glass slipper. The plan worked because the very next day the prince proclaimed he would marry the beautiful girl who wore the glass slipper.

When he eventually turned up at the house of Cinderella and the ugly step-sisters, Cinderella hid in the cellar and just as the prince was about to leave she burst out of the cellar saying the ugly step sisters had locked her in there to which they said BUT BUT BUT BUT  NOT FAIR

Anyway the prince married Cinderella who immediately banned all ugly people from the castle and her and the prince lived happily ever after. Life was also much better for the Ugly step-sisters who then had a quiet life at home having been forgotten about forever.

Then after a long happy life Cinderella, lay lying on her death bed when none other than Napoleon Beelzebub should turn up, who tells her that he has come to collect her. She protests and tells Mr Beelzebub that the priest said she was forgiven everything because she had been the beautiful princess, but Mr Beelzebub explained that He Who Must Be Obeyed might forgive her but as he (Napoleon Beelzebub) gets to see everyone first, Guess What. To which she says BUT BUT BUT BUT NOT FAIR. But as he explains to Cinderella, it is life that is not fair once you die then it is fair and so poor old Cinderella has to spend eternity shovelling coal for the furnace, which ruins your skin and gives you the hands of a stonemason.  

Monday, 30 January 2012

The broken coil spring and the art of nodding and shaking heads in an important way


Dad’s car needed two new tyres today so off he went to get them replaced. Only his journey was not without its troubles because his car was making rather strange noises when he tried to turn round on the drive to head off. At first he thought me and the dog had been doing car mechanic homework again, but we had not, and although there have been loads of pheasants about that might have got trapped in the steering it was not mangled pheasants.


And anyway the pheasant population is a bit low after the battle of the Alamo against the overwhelming forces of shot guns and 4X4’s.

Dad managed to get to what turned out to be a very nice man at Kwik Fit who looked at dad’s car and shook his head in a knowing way, tutting at the appropriate moment for best effect. Kwik Fit mechanics are training in head shaking and tutting because it is extremely important to do it at the right time, a bit like stand up comedians where timing is critical.

It turned out that one of the front coil springs had failed and broken which is apparently more common that people realize. Something to do with mechanics scurrying about at night with hacksaw blades and torches. So dad now has new Italian tyres on the front of his car and has to go back to have a new coil spring fitted later in the week. He did say they were a nice bunch of mechanics at Kwik Fit and extremely good at nodding and shaking heads and looking concerned. They even put little fancy chrome things on his wheels free of charge, telling dad that head office are telling then to shift them as they have loads and want to get rid of them all. Nodding and tutting at the same time in order to give the comment substance (which it did …… sort off).   

Maybe I should nod and shake my head more at school, particularly during the car mechanics lesson and I might try tutting at the headmaster during morning assembly that should impress him, he will not be expecting that. Mum said IDIOT ……. Not sure why???? The dog thinks it a great idea.

So what happened to me today well not a lot although I did see a small gang of teachers pointing and shaking their heads during the lunch brake when I was eating my curry, mash potato and sausage sandwich made with a French loaf, OK it was a bit long at three feet for my school bag and the curry did rather obscure the results of my mathematical theory of isolated systems in relativistic plasma physics. But I can only assume the teachers have been to Kwik Fit. I must tell the Kwik Fit mechanic he can’t spell.

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Sunday, 29 January 2012

The freebie book that came in today’s Observer Newspaper, the horse and the film director


I was trying to help in Napoleon Beelzebub today in his shop Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop but there was not much for me to do. Although I did have a telescope with me just in case I needed it, and I did meet Miss Fionski the Famous Russian Spy who was telling me of her latest mission code named Kill Mushroom. Where she was working undercover (a small box) in the movie business.



I was also given the freebie book that came in today’s Observer Newspaper called “Happier” which says you can learn to be happy. It even says “the backbone of the most popular course at Harvard today” on the cover. Now I do not wish to be the one to poo poo something out of hand or say that the kings invisible clothes are in fact a complete fabrication (HAH HAHHAHH AHHAHAH HAH hah hahah hahahahahh hahah haha) Sorry I just thought that was amusing, well a bit, OK it was not. But as the writer of the blog Rob Z Tobor the slightly eccentric child of cyberspace who has made it a policy to a cynical slightly grumpy but happy person in the vast universe of cyberspace including the ever popular Facebook, in my humble opinion this book is rubbish. Maybe it’s just me and everyone else thinks it is great, but I had a quiet day (it’s Sunday in the UK in winter) and had time to view its pages and yes sorry that is what I thought RUBBISH. I even read a few bits to mum who said IDIOT. I guess the fact mum is a Goth and the book is called “Happier” and is bright yellow with chirpy red writing on the cover might explain why she gave it to me in the first place though.

On top of that there is me (Happily) writing my diary, hoping someone will turn into a nice book with covers and paper in between or that nice Mr Steven Spielberg might be tempted to make the block buster movie, now that him and the horse have gone their separate ways. I believe the horse was just in it for the hay and a few lumps of sugar and the relationship finally broke down when Mr Spielberg shouted at the horse in a posh Hollywood restaurant That’s it I’ve had enough, You are just taking me for a ride at which point they stormed out of the restaurant and we seen galloping across the fields into the distance.

OK sorry I got distracted; I am basically making the point the book “Happier” is a book, OK yes a freebee with a Sunday newspaper but none the less a book where my diary is not a book and I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT THAT ……… and if nothing else this proves my point about this book. Mum just said IDIOT now.. 

Saturday, 28 January 2012

Lean, Mean and concise and every word entirely plausible ....... The End


It might just be that references to obscure mathematical paradoxes in my diary may confuse folk a little so tonight we are playing by the rules, no messing about and just telling it as it is. When I say as IT is I am not referring to the letters eye or tea as in IT more IT as the general series of events as they happened in the day. By doing this, it not only makes the diary a good deal more understandable, but also a good deal shorter. The dog has added a good deal more boring.

So you can see we are off to a great start every word entirely plausible when I say plausible I mean true. Most of what I write is true but sometimes it may not seem plausible. Anyway tonight it is lean and mean so I better get on with it.

Got up
Had wash
Got dressed
Had breakfast
Fell over cats
Fell over dog
Got in car
Went to Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop (to deliver mum)

Moved boxes
Had a general discussion with customers about the imminent closure of Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop for ever

Got in car
Hot wired car
Got out of car (I was in the wrong car)
Got in right car
Went home
Painted wall blue (the bits I missed that show up when the sun comes out)

Got paint brush stuck in cats fur
Got paint brush out of cat
Got in car
Went to Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop (to collect mum)

Got out of car
Bought cat food, milk, yummy food, stuff
Got in car
Went home
Switched on computer
Drank tea
Pointed at cats and dog
Stuff
Other stuff
More stuff
Wrote diary
Moaned at dog for saying diary entry today is WELL BORING
Mum said IDIOT
Posted Diary Entry
End (only todays entry not the end of the diary)
PHEW
Ooooo and an email from Auntie Karen who is planning to retire and live off the Royalties of Ian the Musical Hat Makers Albums

The End again (almost back in a bit)
FOOD YUM
Eat food
Wash dishes
The END …….No it really is.


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Friday, 27 January 2012

The famous Hilbert's paradox of the Grand Hotel and the best selling book "How to disguise yourself as a traffic cone"


We had a lovely meal last night which was a nice distraction from today’s Double Maths, English, Fluid Mechanics,  Micro Entomology, Latin, History (the Etruscan alphabet), Welding and finally Organic Gardening and our gardening teachers pet subject (Eating for Free on the central reservation of the M6). He only makes us do this because he wrote the book he also wrote “A life of freedom on the grass verges of Motorways”, and the best selling “How to disguise yourself as a traffic cone”. Mums views are very clear as every parent evening she calls him an IDIOT.   

Starting the day with double maths and the famous Hilbert's paradox of the Grand Hotel was a great way to scramble the best of minds but as the dog points out at least we never did The Grand Hotel Cigar Mystery calculations so PHEW.

The Ghost Writer who is here at present says he had to deal with the Infinite config error code on his managers network computer and was given at least no time at all to fix it and then had to spend all day ensuring that the network was capable of withstanding a brutal cyber attack from a large man with a sledge hammer who thought Bill Gates was the man who charged him a small fortune to repair his gate which fell off again only two days later. As he says (the Ghost Writer not the man with the sledge hammer) give a infinite number of human beings an infinite number of computers, the complete works of Shakespeare and a copy of The Idiots Guide to Word Processing; lock them all in Hilbert's infinite Grand Hotel and within a infinite time none of them will be able to produce anything written by a chimpanzee. Mum has called the Ghost Writer an IDIOT as well now.

Interesting enough someone only the other day was saying they thought a chimpanzee could write my diary, but as I pointed out I hate banana’s and don’t don’t go Ooooo Oooooo Ooooooo a lot …………. AH maybe I do go Oooooo a lot

Ooooo by the way, No only kidding HA HAH HAHAhha ha ha hah ah ahhah hahah hahhahahhahhah hah hh haha hhahhah hahahaha  
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Thursday, 26 January 2012

the strange Alien mushroom creatures from Venus and a Labrador driving a car


A flurry of snow today and I noticed on the way home on the school bus that the hills are rather white, good for us young bouncy people but mum, dad and the ghost writer all said BAH HUMBUG. They were complaining that it is not meant to snow in the middle of January, right in the middle of the British Winter, after all their generation have spenty ears??? Sorry spent years working on global warming. And they think after fifty years of leaving lights on and running all the hot water and driving huge fuel guzzling cars it seems a bit unfair that they still have to endure snow.

Me and the dog like snow but today’s was rubbish (I blame global warming myself). Anyway when I got home from school a very nice man was looking at our roof and said that if we spend loads of dosh (that’s money to those of you outside the UK), he would cover our roof in solar panels. His main problem was he needed dad’s signature on some form, but as I told him forging dads signature is dead easy, I even proved in by signing the piece of paper he gave me so he could see how good I am. He said I’m a natural forger and was so impressed he got me to do two more and then he did a runner when he saw mum. So I told mum and she said IDIOT, I think she meant him for running away but I’m not sure.

I know it might sound a bit odd but I an sure I saw a Labrador driving a car today, I am not good a dog breeds and the dog said Labradors are rubbish at driving although they are better than  Pekingese who have problems reaching the pedals (hang on I told you that once didn’t I about Pekingese so you know that).

I have also noticed that the box with the strange Alien mushroom creatures from Venus appears to have something that is starting to look a bit like a strange alien creature from Venus in it although not really very mushroom like yet.



Finally we are off to Big Bill Greasy Fur Ball Café for a dam good meal tonight, and to be decadent by eating loads and to wave our arms about in grand gestures looking important. Maybe I won’t wave my arms about much I have a habit of knocking things over when I do that. As the chemistry teacher will testify, but how was I to know the stuff would eat its way through the floor into the office below. Which as it turned out was the headmasters. And once he gets use to not having hair I am sure he will be fine again, sort off.  

Wednesday, 25 January 2012

Burns Night, the Haggis and those incessant drums of Scotland


Another quiet day at school except for Esmeralda having a huge bonfire and attempting to burn down the school mascot, the school goat which she said she was doing because it is Burns Night. She still has not quite got the hang of Burns Night and is doing exactly what the dog does ever year on Burns night. I therefore decided to read last years diary entry for Burns night to see what happened and jolly interesting it was too.

Now because I have access to this quite easily, well it is my diary after all and those of you who follow me on my blog we be blissfully unaware that I was even about back then yet alone a well established slightly eccentric child of cyberspace eating Haggis and Neeps with the best of them.

The key points of last years Burns night were; one, it was this very day last year that Pirate Pete was first heard of when he had just the two wooden legs before dad made his Steam Powered Bionic Legs, how time does fly ( I think that is one of those saying we need to discuss again sometime).

Then the dog was burning the CIA Regulation Designer Label Sunglasses worn by the CIA, MI5, MI6 and so on (well until the dog got them anyway) and a huge pile of wooden legs from the pirates including Pirate Pete’s. And one of the men with suitcases full of money that was looking at the house ( the old house) with the possibility of buying it came to look at the house, it was the one from up north (the man not the house)  with the dodgy car that broke down. I don’t know what ever happened to them after they went back up north, maybe they stayed up north after all it is quite nice

So this Burns night we are eating mushroom and leek bake what with mum being vegetarian, although the dog says he might roast a Badger over a hot fire, out in the garden and maybe a small antelope, but then he has to catch them first. We have also managed to finish all the blue, so we how have a very blue hallway this means we can celebrate Burns night now with a little traditional Scottish Drumming in the woods of the Welsh English borders. And telling the world of the haggis



Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
As lang's my arm  

The groaning trencher there ye fill,
Your hurdies like a distant hill,
Your pin wad help to mend a mill
In time o' need,
While thro' your pores the dews distil
Like amber bead.

His knife see rustic Labour dicht,
An' cut you up wi' ready slicht,
Trenching your gushing entrails bricht,
Like ony ditch;
And then, O what a glorious sicht,
Warm-reekin, rich!

Yes OK I know there is loads more but I think that is enough for now maybe a little more next year in book three “The Return of the Twenty Foot Lamp Post”?   

Tuesday, 24 January 2012

How to saw a lady in half and several hundred men in suits surrounded by sofa's


Different days bring different things, as we all know and today brought the image of several hundred men in suits surrounded by rather uninteresting brown leather sofa’s  and small nests of tables made of oak. Now some of you might be going WHAT? But it is true, alas for you the readers though I will not tell you why I was in such a situation, it will remain a small mystery in the great master plan of life. And to be blunt about it, it is more interesting as a mystery.

This is worth remembering; sometimes mysteries are far more mysterious if they remain a mystery. A bit like the sawing a lady in half, the old magic trick of many a magician back in the days of small theatres and sending children up chimneys. Once you know how the trick is done it is not the same. I worked out the sawing the lady in half trick a long time ago, it is dead easy you use identical twins. I really impressed the school a couple of years ago when I did that trick on stage although it would have been better if the second identical twin had not burst into tears and run off stage. And then the caretaker made me mop up the stage afterwards and it took ages. The headmaster then banned identical twins and made me write out a thousand times I must not saw identical twins in half. I did explain I was only sawing the one in half but as he pointed out once you saw one of them in half they are not identical any longer which is true. (I have got a feeling I wrote all this in book one…so sorry about that if you remember. We can cut it out later HA HAH AH AH hahaha hahah hahah hah hahhah hahah hahhahah hahah ah ha).

Finally good news I have finally got the two ends of the painting edges in the hallway to meet so that is all the hallway edges done and it is just a case of filling the huge space in between with paint and all will be Hunky Dory and Tickety Boo. That was always the problem with sawing the lady in half getting the two halfs to meet again, they tend to slip about a bit YUK.  

Monday, 23 January 2012

Is science like an iceberg and will a goat be able to stop a revolution


One of the science teachers has said that science is like an iceberg. We did at first think he meant cold and drifting about aimlessly, but apparently not he said only ten percent was above the surface of mans horizon and the other 90% was out of our view and as of yet unknown to us.  The dog agrees so he must have been right then.  One of the class (George) did ask him how he knew this but he demonstrated the principle by throwing George in the swimming pool.

It was a good demonstration because George is very good at science but very bad at swimming and we did notice it was true only ten percent of George was above the water, although it was his feet. However one of the other pupils did point out that if George has two feet above the water and only ten percent on him can be seen he must be about twenty feet tall, and George is not that tall.  George vanished completely then and while the science teacher and the other pupil discussed whether this meant science was science or an act of God, the Headmaster leapt into the swimming pool to save George. George was a little annoyed afterwards because he said he had found the plug at the bottom and was just about to pull it out when the Headmaster dragged him to the side of the pool.  George reckoned if he lowered the level of the water which represented mans horizon he would be able to convince the science teacher that his iceberg theory was wrong and it is not mans knowledge of science that is important but the horizon of the unknown.

Esmeralda by now had got bored and set fire to the waste paper bin and her desk saying that it represented mans ability to get well irritated by clever middle class scientists and intellectuals and the like telling the working class masses why they do stuff and should love living on the seventy third floor of a concrete high rise designed in the Bauhaus style with a lift that never works. She was about to start a class revolution to overthrow the science block when the school mascot turned up, leading to a distraction as it has never forgiven Esmeralda for catapulting it over the school. So while she was defending herself behind her burning desk the rest of us went home on the school bus which had turned up an hour and a half early due to an unknown blip in the space-time continuum. The bus driver said it’s a funny old world I swear I saw an iceberg earlier. I told mum what the bus driver said and she said IDIOT

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Sunday, 22 January 2012

Sunday on a cold and windy January in the UK and horses in cinemas


Sunday on a cold and windy January in the UK is not the best day for action adventure and to the best of my knowledge that nice Steven Spielberg last seen talking to that horse on the red carpet while they waited to go and see a movie about a horse, has not made a film about cold windy Sundays in the UK. Of course I could be wrong; I was a bit surprised that he made a film about a horse really, although if he is taking he mate the horse to the cinema then I guess the horse might have asked if he fancied making a horse movie.

Anyway as I’ve said it was Sunday all day and cold and wet and the dog has now complained about the horse, saying that it can’t speak a word of Latin and counting to eight with your hoofs is appalling. I have pointed out that I’m sure there was a talking horse on the television once (I refer to a program not a horse sat on top of the television) but it was a long time ago when televisions were huge things the size of a radiogram but had a screen the size of an iphone.

The dog has implied that those people who know what a radiogram is, will not know what an iphone is, and those who know what an iphone is, will not understand what a radiogram is ……. Really this is not going well tonight as I still have not told you a dam thing yet. Except that it has been Sunday all day (still) and that it has been cold and windy and it is also dark now. One advantage of the dark according to the dog is that you can’t see any horses running about or causing trouble in cinemas, luckily mum has told the dog he is an IDIOT but he is now blaming the horse. ……………   
  
Look I feel I need to get us focused back on the day’s events and the fact it has been a quiet cold windy Sunday in the UK and not much happened and none of us saw or even wanted to see a horse. OK Captain Flint the Parrot says he wants to see a horse now but its dark and because of that it is dam unlikely we will see one even with a torch, I have asked if a badger will do but apparently it is not the same (well that is stating the obvious I think). The dog now thinks that Steven Spielberg would have got far more publicity if he gone to the cinema with a Badger, but I have told him (the dog not THE NICE Steven Spielberg) that badgers hate cinemas, OK they love popcorn but who is stupid enough to go and watch a movie just so they can get a huge bin sized tub of pop corn …………………………….. AH   

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I seem to have a spammer who wishes to a add a link to a gambling web site in my comments (tut tut). Very easy at present but remember I am ROB Z TOBOR and will show no mercy 

Saturday, 21 January 2012

My classic film re-enactment of ..... The Alamo assisted by Pheasants and Men in 4X4's


Saturday and I was home alone as a result of playing Scissors, paper, stone, (yes I hear what you say DON’T DO IT). The Loser had to stay at home and paint edges, that is edges of walls and mmmm I lost. It is the great decision of DIY do you paint all the middle of the wall first and get left with all the fiddly bits to drive you mad. Or you can do the fiddly bits first and relax and fill the space in between. Or spend a week taping up every edge so the whole thing is easy.

We tend to go for the second option and would recommend that as the most effective use of the brain as it is the least frustrating.  We also use the Mexican Wave technique working along a wall at a time putting all the pictures etc, back on the wall as the paint dries.

So I started painting edges (home alone) when there was all these loud bangs which turned out to be the local shoot, shooting. This gave me and the local Pheasants a brilliant opportunity for one of my classic film re-enactments The Alamo although I insisted that I played John Wayne, I don’t think the pheasants knew who John Wayne was so didn’t care. Anyway we were totally surrounded by the tally ho Mexicans (who were not waving) and despite the valiant attempts of many it was a massacre. Pheasants seem to lack any sort of discipline and run about like headless chickens (or headless Pheasants as it happens) which ruined moral. I even did the famous Coronal Travis speech but I think the pheasants got him and Coronal Sanders mixed up because it did not have the same effect as in the movie, in fact quite the opposite.

In the end it was looking bad just me and two pheasants fending off the Mexican guns in their 4X4s and wearing their Plus Fours (sounds like a maths lesson now) when we were saved by the Lemmings of Petrograd from the Woods who leapt to our assistance. OK it may have also been time for Lunch at the Manor for the shooting party; truth is we will never know or care.

The last two pheasants weighed up the situation and then panicked and fled back to the wood leaving me to continue painting edges and the Lemmings of Petrograd quoting their favourite quote That’s one small step for man and one giant leap for Lemmings as they leapt off the roof and back to the woods to fight the fight of freedom.

Why do the walls in Bungalows have so many edges?????  










From FB ......... my friend Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy

Fiona Knight                I nearly got hit in the face by a pheasant today, and I don't know Rob, why do the walls in bungalows have so many edges??

Well the pheasant was going for re-enforcements and our hallway has ten doors PHEW. it gets worse the other corridor has five doors

Fiona Knight                oh dear, perhaps next time work in an orderly fashion dealing with each section and its fiddly bits. My mom painted her whole house with a 2 inch brush. I can't paint, I am not allowed to. When I was 5 years old I thought Rolf Harris was the most interesting man on the planet and I decided I wanted to be like Rolf and paint a huge picture on the white wall in the white garage, luckily my dad, also a painter always had a pot of black paint and a brush left on the side and so I painted like Rolf, that was until my brother walked in and asked "why did you do that loogy?" I ran off to Russia and started a new life without Rolf.

Rolf is a very interesting man I remember he once had a suit made inside out because as he said the inside looked more interesting than the outside, so he thought that in that case it made sense for the inside to be on the outside and I quite agree....

Friday, 20 January 2012

Man Flu, the curse of Men. And the Brother of the Ghost Writer


Sadly I am suffering the awful effects of Man Flu, Yes the curse of all men because women don’t get man Flu like men do, I think it is because we are men although mum has said WIMP and IDIOT. Dad says he understands; it was Man Flu that was the reason that the shelves ended up on the skew in the utility room and the cats now linger down hill on the off chance that the odd tin of cat food will roll their way.

The cats are still hiding after the game with the large inflated balloon, I warned them no claws but did they listen. Well not after the big bang.

The Ghost Writer has man flu too he was saying he was talking to his brother today. That might sound fairly normal but his brother does a lot of wandering about in narrow streets in Barcelona with a piano and no body knows his name, he is simply know as Pianolito. The Ghost Writer Brother has been has been scurrying about in the narrow streets of Barcelona for years playing pianos, saxophones, violins, lutes, guitars, harps and all sorts of other stuff. And although I play African punk djembe and guitar the Ghost Writers brother says he would never play along with me because as he technically said about my playing IT IS absolutely awful rubbish and sounds like a cat wailing, waiting for a tin of food to fall off a shelf fitted on the skew by a man with man flu. Mum said I AGREE …. …… ….. …… …… ?  



The Sound quality is rubbish but this is the brother of the Ghost Writer




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Thursday, 19 January 2012

President Putin and the Spy Rock incident, or Rock Spies and the Micro Forensic Geologist


Listening to the news this morning on the wireless I noticed that the British government has admitted to the Spy Rock incident of a few years ago and putting two and two together I realized on my way to school that Spy Rocks are all over the place, even in our own garden. So when I got to school I went to see the Micro Forensic Geologist, Mr Norman a sad and bitter man because no one takes the Micro Forensic Geology exam option these days.

He has long complained that students all do Media Studies now because when they leave university they know they are guaranteed a job serving the customers in Starbuck’s and as Mr Norman himself says in a slightly mad scientist way Geology does not rock any more HA HAH HAH HAHAHHHAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHAHAH HAHAH HA. Mr Norman had heard the story of the Spy Rocks and said that he had indeed come across them while doing research in a park in Moscow. He was particularly angry because it was made of plastic and he says his job is difficult enough without fake plastic rocks being left all over the place by MI6. 



Anyway he confirmed my suspicion telling me that you can tell a spy rock as it will have small solar panels on the top to provide power and some even have a small light in to help observe who ever is under observation by the secret services. These bugging devices are openly sold in garden centres as Rock Lights for pools and Patios and are particularly popular amongst diplomats, the foreign office, Prime ministers and government leaders. President Putin is said to have given the Queen several to light up the throne in Westminster Abbey. Even NASA found them a very economic option to light up both the launch of the Space Shuttle and the runway at landing. We even have one in our garden which was here, sat in a quiet corner of mums office next to her secret short wave radio that I am not allowed to mention…………… AH, Mum has said IDIOT again now   

The dog by the way is making a Rock Spy; it is a life size granite Elvis but the eyes are small cameras and his ears are electronic listening devices or as the dog calls them ears. Personally I don’t like it because the eyes follow you round the room, No they really do follow you round the room.






Oooo by the way I remembered to take a picture of the bird table I made; the first thing on it was Sooty the Cat (typical). He was after the kippers (Smoked Herring to those of you not in the UK) as you can see the kippers worked and I managed to attract a Gannet. Or maybe its a Wood be Gannet as we are some way from the sea.

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Wednesday, 18 January 2012

The bird table and the scarecrow


As part of the great mushroom race I have moved my mushroom kit to a warmer place, I think possibly they have been a bit cooler than required during cold days and nights so they are now in the office. It now means that once they start to grow they will be able to assist me with my diary. One thing that I don’t think all those involved realize yet is that some folk had brown mushrooms and some white, although it should not make a different to growing times.

After a quiet day at school day dreaming and making pigeon sounds at the pigeons, (maybe I shouldn’t write that or mum will go ……………AH. Mum has just shouted IDIOT) I decided it was time to build a bird table. Just in case, and for the benefit of my international readers that’s a table that birds go to eat food on, not a table made with birds. In the UK there are not enough large birds about to make a table with, thinking about it that may not be true we do have turkeys, swans and geese. Our neighbour has got some white geese now who like to shout at Sooty the Cat, who in turn likes to run away from them very fast, so maybe our neighbour is planning to make a table out of birds.

OK right; enough of this distraction what I am saying is that I made a bird table in the dark I think it is OK but as it was made in the dark, I don’t really know yet, and I think I have got a few small things to do before it is finished, but it does have food on it so in the morning it will be a bit of a surprise for the birds. It is loosely based on an old Welsh bird scaring device that fell into disuse back in the twelfth centenary when it was discovered all the birds were landing on it and laughing. Much as they do these days with scarecrows, which seem to scare people more than birds particularly crows who make scarecrows look even scarier when they sit on them. 

The Radical Abstract Thinkers of cyberspace

As almost none of you know or wish to know or care about some time ago I started the small elitist cyberspace group called The Radical Abstract Thinkers (RATs). A group who I feel have that slightly quirky way of thinking that leads us to look at the world in a slightly different way. So far there are three of us Myself because it is my gang NA NA NA NA NA NA NA, then Miss Lilly and then Mr H..... I will get some links here when I have a bit more time, right now I am in the middle of Car Mechanics at school and we have just hot wired the headmasters car.

Anyway I have decided to add a new member to the group. He has no choice in the matter once you're in you're in until I say you're not in, then you are out. So our new member is Mr ESB I feel his logic on lifetime paint shows great promise and so there you go Mr ESB but remember we need to see this new logic reflected in your own blogs so no more sensible stuff or else.

Tuesday, 17 January 2012

performance art and the alien zombie creatures of Venus (again)


One very important thing to remember when doing performance art in the art class is don’t cover yourself in large blue spots unless you are sure that the paint will wash off. Well I thought it said water based paint but in fact is said Walter Base’s patented permanent lifetime guaranteed paint. I do have to say my performance as someone who has been attacked by alien zombie creatures leaving me with some awful mutant disease resulting in large blue spots was rather convincing.   

It certainly convinced class 14c who ran screaming along the corridor in the opposite direction and eventually out of the fire escape, closely followed by class 13a, 17b, 28, AB4 and 8+.  The French teacher was going to safe me but I pretended I was becoming a flesh eating alien from Venus, and the teacher had heard rumours of creatures from Venus crawling out of boxes so they ran off.

The next thing was a large group of men in special all in one suits turned up and were going to put me in a quarantined plastic bubble, luckily for me Esmeralda had decided that as her performance art project for today she would dress up as an alien with huge tentacles and scary pinchers and stuff. And as the men in the all in one suits cornered me in a corner Esmeralda happen to come into view. It is apparently not easy to run in an all in one suit with breathing equipment and big gloves so they sort of fell down the stairs a bit and screamed a bit too, well screamed a lot really.

The next thing was a large army tank rumbling down the corridor pointing weapons at us so Esmeralda threw her alien outfit at the tank to distract it while we leapt out of a window to the sound of an alien outfit being attacked with flame throwers and machine guns.  I would have been fine except for Esmeralda removing the blue spots with wire wool from the metalwork class. So then I really did look like I had been attacked by aliens. Once we emerged into the playground we were cheered as heroes for defending the school against the massed forces of Venus. Mum said IDIOTS when I told her the story but I am still not sure who she means.

The headmaster is planning to ban all alien life forms from the school particularly those originating from Venus as he says they are distracting the other pupils from their work. The Ghost Writer has told me that the readers are going to be a bit confused about exactly which part of the story is true today, but I have told him Surely that’s the whole point of my diary   



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Monday, 16 January 2012

What is Blue Monday........ Lemmings, Windows and Banshees


Today was Blue Monday the day when the British leap out of windows a lot. The Ghost Writer was in his grey office and told us they have secured all the windows so they can only open about two or three inches. It is a health and safety directive to stop people leaping out of the window on Blue Monday, or accidently falling out of the window by accident.

For those who do not know what Blue Monday is it is the point after Christmas when the general public realize that the Christmas holidays and jollities are over and the sudden dawning that they have to work for another whole year? And as the Great British public are very much part of western capitalist society, it is just about now that all the Christmas credit card bills are turning up.  Add to this the gloom and doom of winter which still has a long way to go, and the theory is everyone will jump out of the window debt ridden and depressed, well they would if the Welsh Assembly Government had not screwed all the windows closed. The lemmings of Petrograd say that leaping out of windows is easy and they do it all the time but then they have had plenty of practice and are rather apt at bouncing.

 In the end it turned out that the sun shone all day (it was rather cold ….. OK very cold) and the sky was blue all day, so it really was Blue Monday.

I am sorry I am late tonight but I have been drumming as part of the last two Djembe players in the Wild hills of the borders we feel we are obliged to continue holding the old tradition of drumming in the Winter night stars (the ones in the sky) so that a bunch of celebrities can talk about them on the television and make lots of money, while we get cold and don’t. And although I think the Banshees in the woods appreciate the drums, I think the fox and the badgers do not, I think badgers are tone deaf as it happens and seem to be more interested in worms.

Finally I just have a slight suspicion that something might just be happening in the small box with the Mushrooms growing in it (or Alien Creatures from Venus) but I am not sure, at this rate Miss Fionaski the famous Russian spy will have eaten all hers before I get my first one.


Sunday, 15 January 2012

The hair of the dog or mushrooms on toast covered in dog hair


This morning we had to remove the bulb from the security light as it is still on, however in the light of day we have seen no mushrooms, yes and that includes looking in my mushroom growing kit. The dog is saying that is the way of mushrooms here one minute gone the next although in the dogs case that is normally a result of a large mushroom stroganoff with a drop of rum in it. It is not uncommon for the dog to say after his mushroom stroganoff those mushrooms were my best mates they were I’ll just have one more rum to toast them

The dog will normally follow this with mushrooms on toast to sober up saying it’s the hair of the dog which is sort of true as the mushrooms on toast end up covered in dog hair

The rest of today was fairly quiet although we did get to look at a tiny little car for sale that can do 3000 miles to the gallon and folds up so you can pop it in your wallet and save on parking. It was even automatic and had a boot (Trunk in the USA I think) that would hold a whole cat (well a small one not Heavy Harry). And I got to throw a load of cardboard boxes in a skip too.

Finally a bit of sad news poor old Poddy the dog who entertained and kept the punters happy at The Sun Inn died in his sleep after a long and happy life. I really think taking up staircase surfing at his age was not a good move, and he could have done with a couple of extra feet to stop. That’s feet as in length not as in feet as in attached to legs, although thinking about it maybe he could have done with a few of them too.

OK that’s it today things to do. places to go (no that last bit is wrong I’m not going anywhere now until the morning) 

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Saturday, 14 January 2012

Morozko (Jack Frost), Mushrooms, a pig-driven sleigh, a box full of crows and the Aliens


Well it was one hell of a cold day today everything covered in frost all the trees in the woods white. And that reminds us  all of the traditional Russian fairy tale of Morozko or Jack Frost to you and me. As we all know in this Russian tale we meet father Frost (Jack Frost) and also Father and Mother Mushroom and the wicked step sister who has too return home on a pig-driven sleigh, with a box full of crows as a dowry.



Well I don’t know about you but having discussed last night the impending doom of mankind who are due to be eaten by alien mushroom creatures from the planet Venus grown by unsuspecting innocent members of the public and famous Russian spies. Today we have severe frost reminding us of a Russian fairy tale with Mr and Mrs Mushroom in it, very suspicious indeed. On top of that in the fairy tale it is the wicked step sister who gets to return home on the pig-driven sleigh, with a box full of crows ……. WELL COOL. 

And what is even more suspicious is the front security lamp on our classic 1970’s bungalow will not go off, well that has never happened before. The dog thinks we have been surrounded by huge mushroom creatures and that we must sacrifice the cats, Heavy Harry and Sooty for the greater good. He says that these Huge alien Mushroom creatures are a bit upset by the fact I have so far failed in my efforts to grow their comrades, and note the word comrades there that has a certain sort of old Russian twang to it. I have told Mum, dad, the dog, the cats and Captain Flint the Parrot I will go and negotiate with the large alien Mushrooms and see if I can get a pig-driven sleigh, with a box full of crows like the wicked step sister in the fairy tale. Mum has said IDIOT and has told me not to mention mushroom omelettes in my diary either……………………………….AH. 

Friday, 13 January 2012

Venus and their fleet of alien battle cruisers and hideous things in small boxes


As many of you know I have more than one portal between reality and cyberspace and various discussions in various places, it is all to do with the multidimensional universe and the like. So as lots of you will also know last night I was talking about Venus and their fleet of alien battle cruisers that are due this year appearing over the horizon in a large formation of menacing humming battle cruisers. What with 2012 being the end of the World and stuff like that which I have also mentioned before?





Now I was watching the sky minding my own business today when I noticed this large dark cloud drifting from the horizon and I thought to myself, that is just the sort of cloud a large fleet of Venusian ???? battle cruisers would hide behind to sneak up on a poor unsuspecting History teacher. So in order to warn the poor unsuspecting History teacher, I shouted look out  sir duck; they have got a death ray sir. Well the History teacher leap off his chair and was lying under the desk along with most of the class some of whom were very silly and screamed a lot. Luckily on this occasion it was a false alarm, and although the teacher did hit his head a bit hard when he tried to get up to fast after I told him the alien spacecraft were not hiding behind the big black cloud. He was only slightly concussed, and there was only a small amount of blood when he accidently stood on the hand of the girl at the front of the class while he staggered a bit from being concussed. And if she had not of screamed again and accidently dropped her ipad thing out of the window then the headmaster would not have had to go to hospital.

I have always been told beware of black clouds and you can see why they bring nothing but trouble.

The dog says that the aliens have already started to invade planet earth he says they have managed to secretly hide in small boxes full of compost and that unsuspecting humans are watering them each day with mist sprayers oblivious of the hideous creatures that might emerge. The dog insists they look like some sort of fungi, mushroom sort of thing. I think the dog is mad who would be silly enough to water a box of compost everyday to grow hideous fungi/mushroom looking monsters …………………………. …….AH. Mum just said IDIOT again 

Thursday, 12 January 2012

Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy, the fridge and the bugging of the Kremlin

I saw Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy today we were discussing important things Miss Fionaski said that from fingertip to fingertip she was the same length as she was high (if you can understand that). So we had to measure her to prove this. As it turned out she was right, she also said the twice round her neck was the same as her waist and that part of her arm was her foot. And that she reads huge scientific periodicals about science.

She was saying that the Russians have developed a new super fridge that can spy on people and makes them so depended on the fridge that in years come we will all be forced into eating borsch, pelmeni, pirozhki, Shchi, Ukha, Kholodets, Vatrushka and all washed down with a glass of Medovukha or kvass. And will start to sing Russian songs taught to us by the fridges while waving red flags and training pet foxes to sit on our heads. The Russian fridges are particularly superior because they are filled with ice cold Siberian winds allowing the food to be kept for long periods.

Of course the Russians would say that the fridges are merely a counter espionage defence operation in response the famous (now maybe infamous) Western Spy, Big Mac, who infiltrated the very core of Moscow and the Kremlin with the Bug in a Burger in a Bun. This of course was the down fall of President Putin himself who having eaten the bug washed down with a Diet Coke was forced into temporary retirement while the bug in a burger in a bun was digested and passed through his system. The Big Mac as it was called specially designed to take ages to digest so that the bugging device would stay in the body for years.

Ooooooo while on the subject of spies I noted that this morning on the news it was announced that MI5 and M!6 will not be prosecuted for torture because of a lack of evidence. I only mention this fact because only last night we had a lovely bonfire full of spy papers …………… And people think I make things up.

I also believe that MI6 are introducing new fridges into there posh headquarters by the Thames in the heart of the great Metropolis in order to reduce canteen staff members, apparently there is also a whole new Eastern European menu and new little red flags in the jelly to brighten the place up…………..Mum just said IDIOT….



Wednesday, 11 January 2012

A bonfire made with secret Russian American and British political papers

We have had a bonfire tonight so that mum could burn some papers, she said they are top secret Russian American and British political papers about the exchange of information should planet Earth be invaded by Aliens. Anyway mum said this information is very secret and I must not write about it in my Diary …….. AH. Mum has said IDIOT now

I had to go up a tree earlier to prune branches (that’s as in saw not as in Prunes and Custard). The dog said I had to do it because I was expandable, that’s a bit odd I didn’t know I could expand, but I assumed that the dog must have thought the ability to expand could be rather useful up a tree with a bow saw.  Anyway (yes yes I know I say anyway loads) I asked mum about being expandable afterwards because no matter how hard I tried my arms would not get longer; but apparently the dog did not say expandable he said expendable. Well that was not very nice is it, and I have pointed out that the dog only exists because I write a diary in cyberspace in which he is a part. The dog says he would still exist even if I didn’t write my diary because all things exist within the infinite universes of an infinite multidimensional universe even the things that don’t exist although they do. …….. WHAT? The dog also pointed out that a dog does not get to learn Latin and Mathematics by being nice, well I know that is true most nice dogs seldom get past fetching sticks, doing novelty obstacle courses, waging tails and chasing cats.

No strange rainbows round the moon tonight well not so far, it was rather interesting last night seeing that I am starting to wonder about whether we live on the spot of some sort of light paradox what with all the sunsets, then the glowing greenhouse, and now rainbows round the moon. I am keeping my camera to hand now just in case something else happens. Because I am starting to suspect scepticism amongst you about these light effects …………… and other stuff.


Up is not up more sideways, I never thought about it until I noticed that the bonfire now looks like dads flame thrower. Its not dads flame thrower though, and if you look very closely you will see secret papers vanishing upwards (mmmmm sideways) in the heat as they burn.

By the way have you visited my other blog yet The Pictures of Rob Z Tobor it is rubbish 



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