Sunday, 30 September 2012

Werewolfs in pink leotards and cheese cake


After the Harvest Moon of last night which was well bright to say the least where just as I was about to abandon my efforts to see a werewolf, I suddenly noticed three of them creeping out of the woods wearing pink leotards, it was that sort of night. Anyway they started dancing and acting as an acapella harmony backing group to the owls who were singing that damn silly song by Tiny Tim, I think it is a cunning plan to undermine the authoritarian responsible message that my diary represents. Lets face it werewolf’s in leotards is just not normal and portrays no moral message what so ever, in fact it might be quite the opposite I am still working that out as I type.  No I can’t work that out so I will ignore it; anyway they vanished with a loud howl although it was in harmony down a tunnel entrance, which just goes to show you need to watch where you walk in a field full of cows. I can remember being told to watch where I was walking in a field full of cows when I was very very young and I always wondered why.

Have I ever mentioned that the Ghost Writer a long time ago used to be a UFO pilot and flew his UFO hundreds of miles annoying all sorts of things like Octopus and Cod; I don’t think I have, although I have now . . . . . .




OK what was I talking about AH yes the harvest Moon; well today was the local Harvest dinner where everyone gets together and eats loads, they really do eat loads even me who eats loads did not eat as much as some of the other people eating loads. And then the folk who had cooked all the food said there was loads more and we could all have seconds but I was by then totally full, although I did manage a large piece of cheese cake and a thing with puff pastry and cream for pud. That however was a few hours ago so I think it is time to eat more food now YUM. . . . . . . .   


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Saturday, 29 September 2012

A Werewolf, a Earthling, the moon and Tiny Tim . . . .


I have been pottering about today in the garden looking for interesting things and doing stuff. I guess with my readership being international it might be best to explain what pottering is because in does not involve making pots, as in a potters wheel or the old tradition of coil pots. It refers to dong things that sort of need doing but in a sort of non urgent way, possibly even getting distracted for a short time to look at cows arguing about tunnels and realizing they have travelled at least three hundred yards in the wrong direction again…..

And I don’t think you can be pottering if you do something that is of no use to man nor beast because that is generally called messing about and I often get the two confused and discover I spent the day messing about when I thought I was pottering. I did remove two wooden posts but not the one with cables attached to the top with 11,000 volts going through them.  Then after a game of Scissors Paper Stone which I seem to loose again I found myself strimming all the grass; WELL that was not fair.




The moon is very bright tonight which can only mean one thing Werewolf’s. They are rather partial to bright moons, and myself and the dog have spent sometime out watching for them, but the true is that things are not idea for Werewolf’s. What with the cows using the moon light to practice wandering about in random and completely unsuspicious way, but looking incredibly suspicious about it while trying to dispose of soil from the tunnel. 

Then of course there is Mr Jones who sees nights like this as perfect for an alien encounter so is running about in the wood with no clothes again with I am an earthling written in permanent marker pen on his chest plus a smiley face which then looks grumpy when he looks down to see where he is going. He has to do this because the woods are full of cow sized holes.

Then there are those damn owls who seem to have been taught that song by the squirrels now so they are sitting on the power lines dancing and singing Tip Toe Through The Tulips, I cant see any self respecting Werewolf joining in with that lot, so we are off. . .

Ooooooo hang on though look at that? . . . . . . . . .. that’s a surprise.


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Friday, 28 September 2012

The Lobster the Mouse and the RADICAL ABSTRACT THINKERS


 I was planning to write my diary entry for the day ages ago but Sooty the Cat was showing an unhealthy interest in my computer making life very difficult indeed. In particular it was rather attracted to the mouse, and it was at that point I realized that I had two mice one a Belkin thing that changes colour all the time and the other a furry golden brown with big eyes. I don’t know where the second mouse came from; OK I do, outside but why it was next to my PC is anyone’s guess, but I was then forced to save the mouse before I could write my diary entry.  Seems like an easy task, small mouse one PC and one desk but Ooooo No it got into a corner behind a set of draws so I had to dismantle and remove the draws which meant moving loads of stuff. Interestingly I found some stuff I didn’t know I had lost yet so that was useful. In the end though I did catch the mouse and he is now outside safe and sound, OK as safe and sound as a mouse can be bearing in mind he is in a field where cows are digging a tunnel and owls are feeding in the evening and red kites and buzzards are feeding in the day as well as the cats doing a patrol every hour or so. O yes there is a fox and badgers too.

he is in a translucent plastic box 


The weather has been much better and although dry and sunny it is after all September so for some the cold and damp can cause a bit of agro in the joints, Like Great Great Auntie Rose she had trouble with her joints but was let off with a caution by the judge as she was 115 and as mad as a hatter (she used to be a hatter).

Sorry yes dodgy joints in the damp can be a real problem if most of those joints are Steam Powered Nano Electro-Mechanical joints using sophisticated digital to analogue progressive step-motor control technology and so every now and again Esmeralda would leap up and run round her desk shouting Kill the Lobsters Kill the Lobsters Kill the Lobsters Kill the Lobsters Kill the Lobsters Kill the Lobsters fish pie and then sit down again without remembering she had just done it. It was OK until Jennie sniggered and then as Esmeralda quickly changed her click on interchangeable hand for the click on interchangeable power drill attachment, Jennie did a runner. Esmeralda did leap up to chase her but instead ran round her desk shouting Kill the Lobsters Kill the Lobsters Kill the Lobsters Kill the Lobsters Kill the Lobsters Kill the Lobsters fish pie and then sat down again without remembering a thing so Jennie made it back into class but no one sniggered after that.  The biology teacher also thought it might be best if we left dissecting lobsters until next week.

The day went very peacefully and everything would have been fine if only Esmeralda had been sitting on the other side of the school bus on the way home, but she got a glimpse of the fish shop on the way home and it just so happened that there; wandering along the window was a huge lobster. I don’t know what the outcome of the fight was but the rest of us carried on home on the school bus before the police got there so I guess I will read about in the local paper next week. . . . . . . . . . .


The Radical Abstract thinkers

Yes I have News of the Radical Abstract Thinkers  who as most of you do not know are a small exclusive group of Radical Abstract Thinkers who blog in a unique way that makes them worthy members of this exclusive club. So our newest member is ADDMAN from the Muppets for Justice Blog this brings our membership up to five so when I say exclusive I am telling the truth in a big way, and not just anyone can join it is by invitation only so the full list of blogs is as follows 



MY WORLDS MY WORDS MY WORRIES (so far the only transatlantic member) 



And me 


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I love this song

Thursday, 27 September 2012

The UFO and the wheelie bin


Believe it or not the sun came out today, this was very good for Esmeralda who was able to walk in straight lines and therefore was in a position to take revenge on Trevor for sniggering and Dave for attaching L plates to the wheelie bin she was in yesterday. So she super glued the lid of the wheelie bin closed with both Trevor and Dave stuck inside it and pushed them into the river Severn. However it did slightly backfire on poor old Esmeralda when both Trevor and Dave appeared on the evening news as minor celebrities having achieved a world record for sailing a wheelie bin down stream and over the famous Niagara Falls. Mr Harris the geography teacher was shouting in the background that it was all an elaborate hoax and they only got as far as the weir at Shrewsbury. Sadly however Mr Harris is known as the Severn Bore so no one was listening to him, but he did manage to wave. HA HAH HAH Hah ah hah ah ha hh hah haha hhah haha.

you will need to click on the pic to see it a bit larger to view the UFO
 



On the subject of elaborate hoax’s when I got home from school Mr Jones and the dog were sitting in the field next to the house watching the sky and insisting they had seen a flying saucer (UFO) flying out over the far fields, so I went and got my faithful little digital camera. Then just as I was starting to get a bit distracted by the cows who are still attempting to make a tunnel under the road in their escape master plan there it was a UFO but it was moving fast and a long way off so it is not a great picture. Even the cows showed some interest, one even waved and shouted farewell Boris? While Mr Jones did what my Jones does and took all his clothes off and ran after the UFO but it only appeared to travel faster.

Still no one is interested in UFO’s these days or cows as they attempt to dig a tunnel under the road, wearing false moustaches and trilbies (that’s the cows not the road that would be silly). No you don’t see the media swarming into the wilds of rural England by the English Welsh boarders to interview a man with no clothes and a dog that speaks Latin and a cow who has met Boris (the alien not the Mayor of London) no they are far more interested in two young pupils glued into a wheelie bin going over Niagara Falls. It just goes to show there is no justice, no wonder the masses all watch that awful X Factor thing or Come Dancing YUCK.

Hang on WHAT am I talking about?



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Wednesday, 26 September 2012

Floods and a house in harmony with its Environment. . . J K Rowling, Harry Potter and The Casual Vacancy.


Britain is in something of a mixed situation at present because there are many who have had to abandon there homes as great volumes of water cascade down streets and taking interesting little short cuts through houses. It is not nice but luckily for us our classic seventies bungalow was build by a man who knew exactly where to put a bungalow when there has always been an outside risk of zombies (sorry flooding) not too far away. 

So we are lucky and our little house is in harmony with is environment unlike many of the recent speculative building schemes of recent years where houses have been built on flood plains or next to rivers. There is nothing quite like having your own fishing rights in the kitchen. You see mankind is no longer in harmony with nature in the same way as it used to be which brings me back to today and my sort of friend, I say sort of because Esmeralda is like a pet Puff Adder; you don’t get in its tank and play chess with it, or say whose a pretty boy then with it perched on your shoulder. I did warn George it was not a good move and he proved my point very succinctly.



So all the rain meant Esmeralda was going in circles again and so was placed back into the wheelie bin; she was far from happy and was screaming  exterminate exterminate exterminnnnaaaaaaaaaaate much like yesterday.  Trevor has learnt his lesson and did not snigger this time, not after being pummelled half to death by beetroot yesterday afternoon. And the day sort of settled down and was OK, although who ever put L plates on the wheelie bin is in for it once Esmeralda finds out who it was, apparently it was Dave but I promised I would not tell . . . . . . . . . . . AH Sorry Dave.

I was listening to the wireless this morning and that J K Rowling was talking about her new book called ‘The Casual Vacancy’ I assume about a part time B & B, anyway I took note because as we all know J K Rowling is responsible for Harry Potter who I fell out with ages ago because of all that stick waving and shouting Hystoriously Thrumpostious scaring all the banshees and most of the wildlife in the woods. Anyway Harry Potter is not in this book so HAH HAHAHH HAHHAH hahahah hah hah hah hahh ahah ah hahh hah hahha  sorry Harry only kidding . . . . . . . . . . . .HAH HA HA HAH HAH AHHAh hah hahah ahh hahah hhaha ha.

 The book we are told is for adults not children because it is full of naughty words and rude stuff (OK not sure if there is rude stuff). But surely Harry could have told Miss Rowling that most school playgrounds are full of much worse words, I have told the teachers loads of times it is not good to swear but no no they don’t listen, hiding behind the bike sheds so the headmaster cant see them before sneaking back into school to teach English and Maths again all innocent like.

Ooooo Yes, Miss Rowling also said she had not thought of another interest story line for Harry so he probably will not be in any more books, HAH HAHAHH HAH HAHha hah ah hahah ahah hahh ahha ahhhah hah ha  . . . . . . . Poor old Harry

Gosh I have written more than planned, and I missed the exciting bits too but I better go.


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Tuesday, 25 September 2012

Esmeralda and the wheelie bin in a post Bauhaus intellectual efficient learning structure


Today was wet again, not as wet as it was yesterday well not here anyway although in some parts of the UK there is some serious flooding going on. At school there was one major casualty of the heavy rain however, and that was Esmeralda who is a bit susceptible to water due to all the Steam powered electro-mechanical nano-technology in most of her moving parts. So she was doomed today to going round and round in tiny circles, which I am sure has its uses but not in a school with long corridors based on the old parallel Bauhaus building designs for movement between areas which allows for a  more integrated intellectual efficient learning structure in a post modernist teaching environment. Or so we were told when the headmaster applied for academy status.



So Esmeralda was not entirely in harmony with the clean sweeping lines of the schools deign and teaching ethos. In order to resolve these issues Freddie, myself and Trevor confiscated a wheelie bin and stuck Esmeralda in it allowing us to transport her about the school while she dried out.  Trevor did giggle a lot which is a bad move but shouting exterminate exterminate exterminnnnaaaaaaaaaaate when you are in a wheelie bin bearing in mind you already look a bit like a Darek is bound to amuse someone.  But by late afternoon Esmeralda had dried out enough to leave the wheelie bin, which meant Trevor had to do a runner and was last seen wading though a rather deep flood across the main road while Esmeralda threw beetroot at him, I think it was what came readily to hand in the canteen. The dog has suggested, purplely to hand but is now rolling about in hysterics on the floor . . . . . . . . .Mum says IDIOT



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Monday, 24 September 2012

The dentist and the flood (Ground-Hoffman Day )


Today was going to be our family trip to the Dentist so me mum dad and the Ghost Writer who insists on coming with us on the grounds that the dentist is very scary and sort of reminds him of Dustin Hoffman in the film Marathon man. I really would prefer it if he did not remind us about that, but he does each time; and hides in the back of the car making dentist drill noises shouting IS IT SAFE……..  Anyway today’s trip to the dentist was not like normal trips to the dentist because when we all got up and looked out of the windows the world was wet really wet as wet as it could be for wet. So setting off to see the dentist was not an easy task. The first flood we came too had a panicked driver in the way, but we got round them and through the next flood OK,  then after a couple of miles we arrived  at the next flood which was about 100 metres long with a sort of new river crossing the road but we got through that too. The new arrived in Forden a little village where the water was sort of gushing out of the drains with people poking sticks at it? And we got through that flood, but we than reached a flood that vanished off into the distance round a bend,  so we abandoned the trip to the dentist and started home. The Ghost Writer was WELL HAPPY.




Anyway the trip home meant getting back through all the floods we have been through to get to the point we abandoned the trip. This was OK we did get back although it is annoying to be driving slowly through a long flood to have a ********* **** ****** ****** IDIOT as dad called him driving a huge 4X4 drive from the other direction at speed sending a huge wave over the car. Luckily the car engine and electrics were OK, but next time the dog gets to eat him.

We then meet someone who had driven through one of the floods too fast and had managed to kill all there electrics, by then we realized in really was dog eat dog so we waved and said it will dry out in the summer.

Then as we arrived home we thought too ourselves, we better check the fabled Minor Stream of Inconsequence, because it has never had this much rain and water in it before so I was sent to look because I was told I was the most expendable one. So as I crept up on the fabled Minor Stream of Inconsequence expecting a torrent of white foam and rapids I was faced with a vision of a gentile small stream that must have risen in water level by almost one inch. It is called the fabled Minor Stream of Inconsequence for a very good reason apparently.

After that is was just a case of keeping our heads down and shouting at the Ghost Writer who insisted on being happy because the rain had saved him from the dentist, (for now).

OOOOooooo I have been drumming tonight to the great river god

And I took a picture of the little flood just by our house although it was not as impressive as the others, but I did not have my camera then

Sunday, 23 September 2012

A wet quiet Sunday, but how many cows can you fit in a glider?


I think today has proved to be the first really cold, wet and generally nasty Autumn (wintery) day of this Autumn/winter and the forecast is not good for the next couple of days or so. We have all been keeping our heads down today and even the cows next door in the field are digging their winter burrows ready to hibernate until spring. Hang on that sounds a bit wrong cows do not burrow, and I sure they don’t usually have a vaulting horse in the middle of the field either. The dog seems to thing it is an elaborate escape plan and they plan to fly south for the winter like the swallows, although the cows will need to go by easy jet; I have to say I am not entirely convinced that it is all that easy for a cow to get onto easy jet even wearing a false moustache and an old Estonian school tie.  Anyway that is a distraction I am sure no one is interested in a field full of cows digging holes and trying not to look suspicious about it.

it is very wet today



 So to other news, well to tell the truth it there is not a great deal of other news because it is a classic wet cold and dark Sunday in the United Kingdom. These are the days when the human brain tries to do the same as the cows and will hide in a burrow and hibernate. So writing an interesting diary entry to tantalize that very nice Steven Spielberg’s own mind which I suspect is in a nice sunny climate next to a large swimming pool sipping champagne and nibbling warm sausage rolls is tricky to say the least.

We did see Mr Kris who has a new car, not brand new but as new as Mr Kris has ever owned because it is shiny and clean and not full of mice and rust. The thing is with cars is that once upon a time you could potter about in a rusty relic quite safely but then everyone started to drive about fast and wave their fists at you, so driving about in a rusty relic was not as safe anymore. Then the powers that be said ooooooo those rusty relics are not safe and changed the rules so they have all vanished to history. When they should have changed the rules to stop everyone driving so fast (not dad or the dog though), so that it was still safe to drive a rusty relic.   If you get rid of you faithful old car to get an environmentally friendly new one you have to drive it for fifty years to balance the environmental cost of scrapping the old one to get the new one, so environmentally it is better just to keep the old one on the road.

Now what was I saying  . . . . . . . . . . .Ah yes not a lot has happened today so I will go. I will say one thing before I go though; cows are rubbish with a spade and a pick axe at digging holes, if it is an escape plan it could be spring before they get out, I might suggest they try making a glider and that avoids the agro with easy jet too.  

How many cows can you fit in a glider?

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Saturday, 22 September 2012

HOW TO OUT STARE A ZOMBIE and Other Creatures


Saturday and it has been moderately quiet although there was some evidence that a man in designer sunglasses pretending to read a crumpled newspaper in a fairly nondescript silver car was spying on us. He was parked in the only place that it is possible to see anything in our house and we think we have seen him before. As some of you will know we have had problems with MI6 and the CIA in the past and those designer sunglasses are always a dead cert giveaway of government agents.

I have however had more important things on my mind today because there is a rumour that the Biology teacher who is now a zombie will be back at school next week, apparently it turns out there is nothing in the schools contract with its teachers that states the teacher can not be a zombie provided they can teach the curriculum to an adequate standard.  Now I don’t know a lot about zombies but one of the more important things I remember is you must be able to outstare them or it is curtains for everyone . . . . . . the so called Zombie Apocalypse




With it being a quiet day I have been practicing the art of out staring a zombie, it takes nerves of steel to do this and so the only way to start is to practice with the one creature that is even more difficult to outstare. But which will not eat your brains or rip your arm off or even stumble about in a random and incomprehensible way, Ok they do move about in a   random and incomprehensible way, certainly a way that most men do not understand….. Yes we are talking Dairy Cows they have an ability to stare at you that makes it very difficult to  maintain eye contact for more than a few seconds. Anyway by the end of the day I think I have mastered this almost completely obsolete skill and feel confident that I will now survive being taught by a Zombie biology teacher. I have a suspicion we may be doing even more dissection than we do now and I have been told that we already are 287% above the national average as well as the only school to dissect horses and antelope in the UK.

As part of my continuing attempt to reassure the doubters of my diary that this is a genuine diary, I decided to video my final victory over the cow in the  how to out stare a zombie practice run. I also recommend that you all go out and stare at cows or else the zombies will get you…

You have been warned 

My video of cow staring

Friday, 21 September 2012

Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Café and the Daleks


We are going out tonight to the internationally famous Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Café to have a meal, however there is a large party eating there tonight having the special set menu of slow roasted Pterodactyl and mashed potato and peas. It is always a bit of a risk this menu because everyone wants a wing and there are only two of them and when there are nearly twenty eating it can cause a bit of agro. Anyway I will return to this a bit later.

At school they have already started to discuss the Christmas play, yes it is far too early, but autumn is starting to creep in fairly quickly. One of the first signs is the chicken has started to get his winter coat, not a good sign and the pheasants have returned, not the same pheasants as last year because well to put it bluntly they got shot and eaten. If any of you remember the re-enactment of the battle of the Alamo you will know the awful truth. Have you noticed that nature is not nice, and that quite often man in not nice although I am a bit nice sometimes.

OK what was I saying?  . . . . . . . . . . . Ah yes the Christmas play for reasons that make little if any sense (mainly because I have not thought of them yet) we are considering doing something nativity based and in the light of what can only be called one of the best impressions anyone has ever done in our school we are considering, The Baby Jesus and the Daleks.

Yes only the other day while we were all running along the corridor being shouted at by the History teacher for running along the corridor, Esmeralda got into a huff and did one of the best impressions we have ever heard, shouting exterminate exterminate . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . … …EXterminnnnnnnaaaaaaatteeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, at the teacher who ran and hid for the rest of the day. So at that point the seeds of a Dalek based nativity play were sown.  The problem is the headmaster is a bit worried and says it might be best if we leave out the baby Jesus because religion and Daleks have never mixed well and lets face it followers of religion are not always that tolerant of Daleks and visa versa, Daleks are not really tolerant of anything as it happens.  Anyway the idea is still in its infancy at present as would be the baby Jesus if he was still in the nativity play which he is not on a health and safety consideration, and without the baby Jesus the nativity play might have to become just a play, although it will still include coincidences, murmuring and gold and a goat. When I say it will I mean it might or it might not…..

Ooooooo time to go see you later …………….   

I have returned from my meal at Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Café is was brill, I started with tiger in batter, then had pork with pear thingy and stuff and then shared a slice of lemon tart and  am now well stuffed . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Personally I think it is the best place to eat in the world. I did not have fish and chips tonight because I wanted to confuse everyone. And I also got to see their blue dog which was not scary although I don’t know whose arm it had but it was not going to drop it…….   

Time to run off now, goodnight all 

Thursday, 20 September 2012

Young Horror Patter and the magic slugs (the continuing tale of the gingerbread house) and Arnold Schwarzenegger.


Once upon a time a long long long…… very long time ago lived a young wizard called Horror Patter, he had acquired this name as a result of his early years in wizard school where his attempts in magic would nearly always end in the sound of his feet as they pitter-pattered at speed down the long stone corridors to tell one of the masters things had gone slightly wrong and there was a thirty five foot slug eating Henry Poobag the 4th in the Halls of Spells.  Much of the problem as it became clear much later on, was the fact he was a bit dyslexic, so Humpillioratty Floximaxiffion to poor old Horror Patter sounded look just like Hippiffiliously Jazzilliopussion so it was no wonder he sort of turned stuff into the wrong thing

Despite all his errors he had a few friends mainly Reg Polecat and Henrietta Ginger also known as Bossy Boots.  Anyway it appeared that Horror Patter was destined for big things because the grand wizard and school headmaster Professor Doubledoor was very friendly with Mr and Mrs Patter and rumour has it a couple of plain brown envelopes had passed hands with the odd wink and a Allicazapiously hiddeniousapus nudgellious sayious kno Moreioth. Then one day the three friends ventured into the dark wood on a well wizard trip without telling Professor Doubledoor by using the secret passage that smart arse Henrietta Bossy Boots found.

END OF PART ONE 

     



PART TWO

The reason for their trip was to visit a house deep in the woods that Henrietta Ginger’s father had made with his business partner Mr Bread many many many years ago, using revolutionary new building materials and ideas that sadly did not catch on. Anyway they battled through the wild woods fighting goblins and rabbits until they came to a clearing in the wood where they found  a small group of people that Henrietta knew, because she knows everything (NA NAN NAAA Naaaaa).  They were Professor Frankenstein who had been sacked by the school for his attempts to make students in a student loan scam, Mrs Frankenstein his wife, a large android robot that looked just like that Arnold Schwarzenegger and a small golden robot with wires hanging out of it called Rapunzel. The small group were eating crumbs off the floor, and the large android robot was trying to shoo away ravens who were also trying to eat the crumbs.

What happened to your lovely house that my father Mr Ginger and his business partner Mr Bread Made? it is destroyed said Henrietta, It is just one of those things said Professor Frankenstein as he desperately attempted to fly a kite up into a passing thunderstorm with the line tied to the head of a scarecrow.  

We will put it all right for you said Reg Polecat, Yes said Horror Patter and with that Young Horror Pattor lifted his wand.

NO shouted Henrietta …….. No shouted Reg ………… No shouted a Zombie scurrying about in the wood, but it was too late.

Flinkystorodiousady Pilliffastpee blinkius shouted Horror his wand making cracking noises and smoke and flames flashing across the sky ………………….AH said Henrietta …………..AH said Reg …………. AH said young Horror Patter and AH said a Zombie in the wood. Because there before them were four very large slugs sat on the remains of the gingerbread house eating ginger bread quite happily.

Time to  go home said Henrietta Best not to tell Professor Doubledoor I think


THE END

The English teacher said IDIOT again now after making me rewrite my story…


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Wednesday, 19 September 2012

The fairy tale of Rapunzel the Robot, Frankenstein and Edward the Fox.


Once upon a time there was once an elderly couple who lived in the woods in a house made of  gingerbread that three pigs tried to eat. The elderly couple called Jack and Jill hired a hit man to deal with the three pigs; they had heard of someone called The Jackal so they phoned their friend Edward the Fox he knew about stuff like that. Anyway Edward the Fox said The Jackal was very expensive to hire and quite frankly made a bit of a mess of his last big job. So the couple hired Mr Fox instead and he huffed and puffed and blew them up with high explosives (that’s the pigs not the elderly couple) and they all lived on pork scratching for months. 

The couple were called Professor and Mrs Frankenstein they had moved to the woods after a bit of bother back at the research lab where attempts to make his own home help, had got the professor in a lot of trouble.  However they still needed some help so the professor turned to robotics instead, and made a small golden home help robot which he called Rapunzel because it used a bio-combustion system that ran on the rare Rapunzel plant sometimes know as rampion. Unfortunately the only place this grew was in a walled garden belonging a grumpy old Dame called Dame Gothel, who was so grumpy all her maids had left and she was forced to clean and cook for herself; enough to make anyone grumpy.

Ooooooo by the way this is my English fairy tale for the term in case you are wondering

Each night the professor would sneak into the garden to collect fuel for the robot until he was caught one night by Dame Gothel who said she wanted the robot or she would send the food hygiene department round to condemn the gingerbread house. End of part one



PART TWO

Rapunzel was then forced to clean this huge castle which she did for years and years but Dame Gothel was not good to Rapunzel and never did any maintenance on the little robot who then started to go wrong with wires and things trailing along behind which in turn kept tripping up Dame Gothel.  In the end the grumpy Dame thought I have had enough of this and stuck the robot into a high tower with no doors and just a window, telling the robot she was going to get agency help in instead.

So the little robot was condemned to go round and round the room for ever with more and more wires and stuff trailing behind her; in the end there was so much the little robot threw the whole lot out of the window.  The next thing is a face at the window that had climbed up all the wires, cables and stuff saying ‘I am the terminator little robot’, and the little robot said you sound just like that Arnold Schwarzenegger.  And they ran off into the wood where The terminator accidently destroys the gingerbread house, and as it happens most of the nearby village, who think that Professor Frankenstein has been messing about with science again so arrive with fiery torches planning to burn down the gingerbread house. But Mrs Frankenstein is one sharp cookie (all that time living in a gingerbread house HAH HAHAHHHAH HHAHAHHHH HAHAHa). She dresses up as the grumpy Dame Gothel and says they are all in the castle burn down the castle which they do (the villagers do) and everyone lives happily ever after on gingerbread crumble.     

Almost everybody because at night a howling Zombie Biology teacher is said to walk through the woods chewing litmus paper.

The English teacher said IDIOT


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Tuesday, 18 September 2012

The capacity of young absorbent minds to absorb stuff


With it being Tuesday we are starting to get into the right mental state to learn stuff at school. One thing I have learnt at school is that you don’t really learn stuff at school; it is merely a psychological mental prop that teachers use to allow our young absorbent minds to absorb stuff as we are not paying attention.

It is actually rather annoying to have a young absorbent mind because I get home from school some days and my mind has been filled with stuff I don’t need to know. Like today for instance there I was minding my own business in the history lesson watching a flock of Swallows as they shouted at one another, I assume they might have been arguing about the route south. In the old days this didn’t happen they just used a magnetic compass and sort of all thought OK that way. But now they have, satnav or if you are American I think you call it GPS (why? it’s a satnav) so the swallows argue about do they go the scenic route or avoid the toll road or pass the historic swallow falls in North Wales . I think the clever swallows will point out that they are north, not south and the flight path is unsuitable for heavy goods vehicles (?), Why is it heavy goods vehicles still insist on trying even when it says NO YOU WILL GET STUCK and then they get stuck.



AaaaaaaaaHhh OK what was I saying ……. OK yes my young absorbent mind in the history class when I was watching swallows (enough about them), I get home and suddenly I find I am thinking that Henry the Eighth was not very nice to his wife he kept chopping her head off. And how did she put it back on again, sadly my young absorbent mind must have missed that bit I will ask tomorrow.

Still he was not all bad because he made one of the very first cars so that all his loyal subjects could get to the out of town supermarkets, because it used to take days before then. He even named it, the Model T. Back then tea was very expensive and one of the few affordable places to buy tea was the huge out of down discount superstore. Henry was also famous for his quotations and once said to a flock of arguing swallows

‘When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it. “

Sadly the swallows told Henry the Eighth to ****** ******** ****** Off so he had their heads chopped off, it is one of the reasons you seldom see swallows on the ground, they are playing it safe………. Hang on we are back talking about swallows again how did that happen…

Oooo by the way the Biology teacher is off sick today, as well as in a bit of trouble for trying to eat the doctor….


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By the way does anyone know of any interest blogs I might be amused by, maybe a bit like my own 
with a bit of science the odd monster and a bit quirky
I keep looking but they are thin on the ground.

Monday, 17 September 2012

Missing one zombie responds to the name of George (sort of), might be near Poundland


Monday and back to school, sometimes that happens faster than I think it is meant too, and by the look of most of the pupils on the bus I would say they all agree it was like a bus load of zombies after a night out scarring (sorry scaring or both) folk. In fact several little old ladies did scream as we passed Pound-land a shop full of exciting things for a pound, and little old ladies battling for a bargain in the two for one everything must go bargain bin.  As far as we could tell, as we passed on the bus,  bearing in mind there were several little old ladies screaming and running about pointing at us shouting ZOMBIES (this all sounds a bit familiar), the purple rinse economy nylon fashion wigs were very popular.  Anyway as we all got off the school bus in the car park I noticed someone looking very confused and still sitting on the back seat of the bus trying to eat a pencil.

It appears that he had seen all these zombies getting on the school bus and so just sort of followed along because that is what zombies do apparently. They are a bit like sheep in that respect, go with the flow no radical thinking with zombies, but it means that we had a real zombie in school today WELL COOL……



Luckily with it being Monday none of the teachers noticed he was a zombie and just thought he was yet another new pupil, even when the headmaster asked him if he was OK and he (the Zombie) said MMMMMMmmmm TReeeeeee GRRUUUUUU AAUUuuuGHHHHH, the headmaster just said FINE… GOOD STUFF OFF TO CLASS NOW.   He even got an A+ for his dissection of a frog in biology, although he was then told off for eating it and biting the biology teacher’s hand. I was going to tell the biology teacher that they might turn into a zombie but thought better of it.

We would all end up in quarantine and some mad doctor would try and jab us all with big needles or worse so after an uneventful day at the school (AGAIN) I got George the Zombie I thought it best to call him something, back on the bus, I think he quiet enjoyed it really, I am sure the headmaster would be very pleased about that.

However I was distracted half way home by a huge gang of little old ladies with weird pink hair marching up the high street towards the corner tea shop and shouting at innocent passers by to get out the way because they were frail little old ladies scared witless by huge horrible mutant zombie children. Then when I got off the bus I noticed the George the Zombie was missing which is very annoying, I was planning to take him home and show dad what I had found on the bus. Mum has made me put posters up now on all the trees and shop windows saying MISSING George the Zombie.

 I was unable to find a suitable picture of a zombie for the posters so have dressed the chicken up to look like one…….. sort of ….. Mum said IDIOT….


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Sunday, 16 September 2012

The inverted molecular antimatter generator and Isaac Newton's great error about gravity


Today dad has been working on a new steam powered electro-mechanical device; it’s an inverted molecular antimatter generator using fundamental matter-antimatter symmetry to create the inverted antimatter being of ourselves within a world that is equal and opposite to the one we exist in. I can here some of you saying WHAT? And who can blame you it is what I said when I was told I was going to be given the privilege of testing the prototype out. Not that I don’t trust dads mad machines but I did notice his first attempt at transporting an apple into its antimatter state ended in a  small pile of ash. So it was decided that the only fair and safe way to conduct this experiment was to use one of the cats. As Heavy Harry the Cat is large and rather aggressive with long claws Sooty the Cat was volunteered because he is soft and stupid, the ideal properties for such an important experiment never undertaken before.



The experiment was not entirely successful because as the force field between the two opposite and opposing worlds started to come into view, Sooty the cat was unable to cross the barrier because there was a cat on the other side blocking his route across the barrier and when we tried to shoo the cat on the other side away someone on the other side of the barrier did the same to Sooty the Cat. Then Sooty the Cat lost interest and ran off at exactly the same time as the cat on the other side of the barrier did, it was very annoying if only Sooty had stayed put a few more seconds. Dad did try throwing another apple at the barrier in frustration but it turned to ash.  

The dog is now convinced that the violent reaction that the apples are experiencing may indicate that apples are not entirely fixed in our own time space dimension and that it may be best not to eat them. DAMN I have spent three days pruning all the apple trees so that we get loads of them next year that is a bit of a blow. Apparently the dog says that if apples are not in the same time space dimension as us then poor old Isaac Newton made a terrible error when he sat under that apple tree; and he is super gluing his kennel to the ground as I type. I don’t know why he is doing that, he never uses it except to store bones and old books on Latin. Mum has said the dog is an IDIOT…….. PHEW it’s not me this time ………… AH …… apparently I am too.  

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Saturday, 15 September 2012

Bradley Wiggins lookalikes, a huge ferret and a spider


It was the first day of the Michaelmas Fair in the Bishops Castle; he has always liked a good fair and lots of steam. In the past I have been known to play djembe but the old band of drummers has now dwindled to just the two of us and my colleague who lives in the Bishops Castle has run off to things more exciting for the weekend. So I have spent the day having a big bonfire, these things are very useful, it allows us to dispose of loads of garden waste, plus mum can dispose of old classified confidential papers from MI6 and the dog gets to toast marshmallows. As it turned out staying here and having a bonfire may have been the right move, as during the day three ambulances passed heading off in the direction of the Bishops Castle with lights flashing. Then a short while ago a police car with its lights and siren both going shot passed heading towards the Bishops Castle followed a few minutes later by an ambulance with its lights and siren going.  
  

And no one can blame me as I was not there so PHEW.


This spider was passed by a Bradley Wiggins lookalike but showed no interest



First thing this morning we took a trip to Monty (the place not the man) to get stuff on the basis that getting in and out of the Bishops Castle would be a bit manic, only it was manic in Monty, not sure why but it was. But we saw loads of people and chatted, leapt out of the way of a man in a motor home who was a bit confused and determined to eliminate things and people, and got the stuff we wanted. We then saw a huge beast on the way home that tried to eat a Bradley Wiggins lookalike just outside Monty, it was either a polecat or a ferret but it was huge, maybe twenty feet long. But it did help us get past the Bradley Wiggins lookalike when it ripped the tyre of his bicycle and he vanished off into the hedge, they both vanished off into the hedge as it happens so rather convenient. Then after that we were confronted by a few more Bradley Wiggins lookalikes plus Bradley Wiggins dad lookalikes and what appeared to be Bradley Wiggins Great Great Great Great Granddad’s lookalike; although I must admit none of us know what he would look like.  I think all the Bradley Wiggins lookalikes may be to do with Tour of Britain passing through Montgomery yesterday.


 In response I would Like to say........ OH no I dont 

Friday, 14 September 2012

Aliens, Aliens, Aliens, Aliens, Aliens look out Aliens.


I know from the title of today’s diary entry it would not be an unreasonable assumption to expect some sort of alien being, but no after yesterday they have all run away again because it appears Mr Jones is back in the Woods waiting with his sub-ether intergalactic transceiver and an autographed photograph of himself with this friend Elvis. Not the real Elvis but an Elvis impersonator from Leamington Spa who told Mr Jones that he too has seen things that an Elvis impersonator with a powerful pair of binoculars should not see. I am not entirely convinced they are entirely on the same wavelength in their thoughts.



I spent yet another quite day at school having arrived late after missing the replacement bus. I think the problem was I was pottering about watching a buzzard which looked a bit eagle like to me, and the next thing I know, everyone was waving at me from out of the clouds of steam and smoke as the old bus (I say bus it was a bit pre bus) struggled up the hill. I did set off in hot pursuit but I too struggled up the hill and I don’t have wheels to roll down the steep hill on the other side. Interestingly the old school bus did have wheels but no brakes so in order to avoid crushing the new pupils who are still wandering about in a daze, the bus driver and his faithful stoker used the headmasters car to stop the bus, or as the headmaster himself insisted in calling it (the bus not his car) a Bl********* great traction engine; it did rather dent (crush) his car.

When I said look out aliens right at the start I was not telling the aliens they needed to look out, it was more a run round in circles with hands flapping about and implying we needed to look out for Aliens only I was lying a bit because today’s only real danger was Esmeralda’s  interchangeable clip on chainsaw attachment and in all fairness she was focused mainly on the goat. I didn’t know that goats could run that fast …….WELL COOL  


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Thursday, 13 September 2012

Suspect Martian war machines and the main reason that intelligent intergalactic alien beings have never communicated with mankind


After a day of discussing geo-thermal parabolic troughs and the influence of neoclassical architecture on post modernist architectural design as well as an experiment into whether caterpillars prefer red cabbage or purple sprouting broccoli. School ended yet again fairly quietly. Esmeralda has been much happier today after discovering that with the aid of her steam powered bionic arms she can throw the javelin almost 500 metres, and by using her interchangeable clip on power grinder she is able to sharpen the point so that it will; to use her own words ‘PIERCE the toughest skin, even that of a grumpy aging goat’.  

Since arriving home the man from ASDA has been and gone and did not knock his mirror off on this occasion and I have been out looking at the bonfire I started up yesterday as it is still happily burning away in its little bin. I have also started pruning the fruit trees a bit and cut the grass and investigated the purple sprouting broccoli or what’s left of it ……. AH.



The dog was telling me that there were suspect Martian war machines in the fields not to far away; he even took pictures to prove it. Both the dog and Mr Jones said that they had been to see the Martians to appease them. The dog took a large partly chewed bone as a gift and Mr Jones a photograph of himself with no clothes on in case they wished to experiment on a human. The dog said he did not see the point in the photograph as Mr Jones was not wearing any clothes anyway and thinks this is why they vanished off rather sharpish. In fact the dog thinks Mr Jones is probably the main reason that intelligent intergalactic alien beings have never communicated with mankind, because if Mr Jones is first on the scene not wearing any clothes and smiling and waving at them holding a large placard saying Hello I’m your friend, it is no wonder they leave as fast as they can. It probably explains the unfortunate incident when he thought the motorway patrol car that had stopped so that the police could have their evening meal (cheese sandwiches) during the night shift was an alien space craft. It was the flashing blue lights that confused Mr Jones and it did not help that the police sergeant had to be taken to hospital when he choked on his sandwich as Mr Jones emerged out of the mist….smiling.  




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Wednesday, 12 September 2012

An encounter with the Olympic legacy, and the out of town supermarket


After much fluttering of eyelids and smiling a lot the goat thinks it has managed to rekindle its old friendship with Esmeralda, it is an uneasy friendship because I suspect that Esmeralda has a cunning evil plan. However if Esmeralda should by accident slip and fall then the goat will try and eat the remaining edible bits of Esmeralda. Just as a passing observation a goat smiling and fluttering its eyelids is not a pretty sight, I hope I do not have to witness them making up again. As you might expect the first thing that happened was that the goat was catapulted into the out of town supermarket through the usual route of the skylight. This was fine except I was then sent off to get the goat back which was not fair.



In the huge out of town supermarket it is always easy to find the goat he just loves the fresh vegetable section, unfortunately both me and the manager spotted the goat at the same time. So the manager then starts shouting at me and throwing bananas at us, it did not help that the goat was eating them, but I hate bananas, then store security joined in the chase. It was OK for the goat because Wednesday is pensioner 10% discount day so he vanished into a group of little old ladies blending in and saying ooooooo yes look at the price of that, terrible. As for me I don’t look like a little old lady so my only means of escape was to climb the air conditioning ducting and leap out onto the roof through the skylight that the goat had arrived through. I then had to abseil down the outside of the building while a group of little old ladies and a goat shouted look it’s the queen. This happens a lot since the Olympics everyone thinks the queen leaps off building or out of helicopters it is all part of the Olympic legacy. However it is not easy to abseil down a building with a man throwing bananas at you while I was trying to do a royal wave at the same time, while a goat chewed the end of the rope and a group of little of ladies cheer and wave flags.

Luckily when the manager tried to grab me, the little old ladies thought he was an assassin and attacked him with their umbrellas while the goat finished off the last of the bananas giving me enough time to get away.

Other than this the day was fairly quiet and I must admit not much happened yet again although as I write I am having a smallish bonfire and appear to  be being watched by a white rabbit, it could be worse it might have been a goat…….




I note that the world outside of my world appears to be degenerating again; the world outside my world is not always a nice place…. 

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