Saturday, 31 December 2011

The Greenhouse Effect and the Plankton Plume

Something strange happened last night outside, something very strange. I really should have gone and investigated but I didn’t which in hindsight has turned into an error because now I can never prove what happened, actually happened even if mum and dad saw it as well.  What we saw in the middle of the night well I guess maybe it was about midnight-ish was a strange yellowy green glow coming from the greenhouse. WELL COOL.

And now two different people have told me the same reason for this strange occurrence, the first was the dog this morning, who explained it is a natural effect of nature at this time of year, and it is the Plankton Plume and that Plankton naturally fluoresce so at the right time of year when the Plankton Plume starts the whole sea will glow a bit like the aurora borealis. Mum said IDIOT and pointed out the key word in the dogs explanation was SEA, well it is true there is no sea in the greenhouse. But the dog has pointed out that the greenhouse is quite damp and that new species of Plankton are found all the time and that there has been a lot of discussion about The Greenhouse Effect and its effect on the sea. Mum still said IDIOT though.

I spent the day in Montgomery helping in Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop and Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy came in, when I told her about the glowing greenhouse she said it might be Plankton. Well it must be true then because Miss Fionaski did not know that was what the dog had said; so two independent minds have reached the same conclusion.

What I do know, is next time I see the greenhouse glowing like that in the middle of the night I will do two things, one, take a picture of it and two go and see what it is. After all If I am abducted by aliens it will be great material for the diary and that nice My Steven Spielberg could make a movie about it called mmmmmmmmmm something like Close Encounters of the Third Kind ……… Have I heard that before somewhere?

An awful lot of people came to Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop today to say please Stay we like your shop, but he said THE HELL I WILL and fell about laughing. Mum said that was not good PR but he said I did not get where I am today by being nice and that is certainly true. 


Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy

Friday, 30 December 2011

That Nostradamus bloke and the subject of fiery bangs and the end of the world in 2012

A wet dark sort of day, almost like winter although not very Christmassy. It is strange because almost the whole Christmas has not really felt very Christmassy. It is also very likely that we will start the New Year with a sort of whimper rather than a fiery bang like it should start.

While on the subject of fiery bangs I am sure that Nostradamus bloke who foretold of stuff like the world dominance of Burger King and that man (as in all men) would learn to use the screw driver and a spirit level. OK he was half right with that one, as men still have a habit of hammering in nails with the handle of their screwdriver and throw spirit levels at cats shouting oooooooooooo is there anybody there one meow for yes and two meow’s for NO. Or is that just dad?

Dam, Dam distracted yet again, as I was saying fiery bangs.  Nostradamus predicted that 2012 was the end of the world and it would end in a fiery bang. Someone told me that years ago when I was little (mmmm very little) so it must be true. And Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Curiosity Shop is closing this year and Britain is hosting the Olympics.  I don’t want to sound too negative but Britain doing the Olympics has got to be the kiss of death for it, not like some where they have been the death of many a simple working bloke (O no sorry politics Yicks).

After yesterday and the subject of Squirrels sort of coming up (that’s in conversation not as in regurgitation YUK) after I put fresh seed out for the birds today there was this huge fat Squirrel stuffing himself with seed “Just One more wafer thin mint seed” which leads me to a question one of you out there might be able to answer ……… Why are the squirrels still out and about and not hibernating, I thought Squirrels hibernated       

Not much happened today, I bet you can tell, but we can’t let a small issue like nothing happening stop me writing loads can we….


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Thursday, 29 December 2011

We had a cunning plan but?

Mum and dad had this cunning plan; well they thought it was a cunning plan. We had to go out to get things for the office, but on the way home we stopped off at the garden centre just outside Shrewsbury. I think it’s called Doomsdays or something like that, OK a bit like that, (well OK nothing like that, but it sounds better).  The cunning plan was to buy a Christmas tree?

Now you might be wondering why they planned to buy a Christmas tree just a few days after Christmas but it appears that dad thinks it is time to go fake. Over the years we have had several Christmas trees with roots which have been planted outside but only one has ever survived which is in a pot and has come with us to the new house. The real problem with a Christmas tree that is in a pot is once they have been in a house for Christmas you can not take then back the following year, in fact it may be at least 10 years before they are happy to return indoors. So all in all rooted Christmas trees have proved to be a bit of a failure.

It your tree is a typical everyday sawn off at the base tree OK; but really it is well on the road to death (NOT NICE) and its final revenge is to leave your house full of hard sharp little needles for several months that will every now and again stab you. I have been stabbed by this year’s tree already.

What we did notice this year is that you could get a cheap Christmas tree imported from Korea for £5:00. I think that was it with, dad he says if a tree travelling half way round the world is cheaper than one from up the hill then that’s it, I’ll get a fake one

So we looked at fake trees and thought mmmmmmm and stuff like that but in the end there was not enough of a bargain to be had so we never got one, well not yet. But we did buy more peanuts for the birds ……. not Squirrels, even cute Squirrels. The Squirrels are trying to attack the bird feeders but we have now covered then in razor wire and connected the feeders to 10, 000 volts, so that should stop the squirrels for a bit. I say a bit because the dog is trying to sell the Squirrels bolt cutters and rubber gloves although he says I must not tell you or mum will read it in my diary and the dog will chew my arm for a while ………AH I better go and hide. Mum has just shouted IDIOT but I am not sure who at?


Heavy Harry the Cat is rubbish on a computer but loves to help 



   

Wednesday, 28 December 2011

that nice chap Steven Spielberg loves a good movie about Aliens that eat Badgers and Budgerigars, I think?

I was helping Napoleon Beelzebub remove Christmas from his shop, well most of it as the Angel of the Norse is still in the window for the moment. Anyway he has announced that he will be closing Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop next year and moving on. It appears that all in all he is not entirely happy with all the uncertainty of the shops future, and all that being nice to the public etc.

For one the landlord discovered that he has excavated at least seventy five floors of cellar below the building to house all the stock and that it is rather hot down there. Mr Beelzebub has even offered the landlord a permanent room down at the bottom, but he is insisting that the whole cellar complex is filled in. Well that’s not very nice is it?  So come the end of February his shop will close and it will be decorated and returned to normal during March so that the landlord can do with it as he pleases. It appears that he wishes to sell the building, and Napoleon Beelzebub says he has things to do and people to meet (sorry eat) so it is time.

Mum and dad say they plan to become Eco Warriors this coming year which is WELL COOL, I have asked dad if I can help make the weapons, like the steam powered crossbows with laser tipped arrows before we invade the fortress castle of Eco deep in the woods. Mum said IDIOT apparently the dog was not entirely telling me the truth. In fact it turns out the dog also started the rumour about Turkeys being a male chicken, and that his eyes steam up when he drinks hot Vodka (sorry tea). I think the dog is taking revenge for not getting to do interesting things in the diary lately and recons we need to get in the woods and find the Badger Eating Alien Zombies. The dog says that would make a great movie and that nice chap Steven Spielberg loves Aliens that eat Badgers and Budgerigars WHAT????? 




Sooty the Cat hunting things


       

Tuesday, 27 December 2011

The Health and Safety man, the bonfire and the victims of the Ginger Phantom

We are back to normal now just? Me and the dog have been out having a bonfire, burning stuff. There were several bonfires around us today as we have seen plumes of smoke drifting across the valley. Dad says it is parents burning children after the Christmas break. I think he probably means that the parents are letting the children burn the Christmas rubbish.

Ah apparently not dad says No it is parents burning the children after Christmas, luckily mum said IDIOT so PHEW. The Health and Safety man has shouted from off screen (Page) now, saying that children are not allowed to play with cans of petrol, matches, piles of Christmas paper and bonfires.  Dad entirely disagrees, he thinks it is important for children to assess risk; it is why if you throw a small child down a ravine they tend to bounce rather than break bones. If you throw an old man down a ravine they break loads of bones, dad apparently has done loads of experiments on this and has proved it many times. I always wondered why he threw me down ravines when I was small but I have assessed the risk and now don’t leap down ravines (unless thrown by dad).

The result of all this is that all the children having bonfires today and throwing cans of petrol on them have assessed the risk and are all perfectly OK ………….. AH well MMMMM, still me and the dog are fine and Sooty the Cat was black anyway so a little charring will not be noticed.

Poor old Sooty and Heavy Harry the Cat are victims of the Ginger Phantom, a scary gingerish thing that moves at speed and with stealth and has long pointy claws and teeth and is a thing. I say thing because so far it has moved so fast know one has worked out what it is yet. The dog is convinced it has six legs and is muttering HA HA HA HARDY HAR CAT YUM. We will reserve judgement on that because I know what he is thinking; he is thinking Rusty the Steam Powered Robot Dog and it might be, but could Rusty the Steam Powered Robot Dog make it through a cat flap, even if it is quite a big cat flap. Bearing in mind Heavy Harry the Cat is not a small cat and has to fit through the cat flap.

OK that’s it I’m off now (as in going elsewhere not smelly ……….well not very smelly)

Monday, 26 December 2011

The traditional Boxing Day question ......When is a Turkey a Chicken

Boxing Day and as is traditional the Ghost Writer and his family all turn up so that seems to be loads of folk PHEW. Anyway My Hywel turned up with a really interesting boot cleaner to wipe your boots on when they are covered in mud. He has used a piece of railway track stuff so it is nice and heavy (very heavy) so it will stay put. Dad was well impressed.

Everyone brought loads of food and it was all in all a good day, we even discussed the fact that Turkeys are not male Chickens, which one of the people thought they were. Best to mention no names or else they will hit me when I see them next. They also said that their eyes steamed up (them not the Turkey) if they breathed into a cup of tea, yes OK if you wear glasses like the Ghost Writer then yes, but they don’t. So they said that they must have very cool eyes and that is why it happened. And despite the rest of us trying to get the same effect we could not.  

Yes this is the sort of stuff you might expect to happen in the twilight zone between reality and cyberspace but this was all going on in the real world. Mum says it explains why my diary is bonkers. We also had Joseph the Dog stopping for Boxing Day lunch and he was trying to eat the lights that were bouncing about on the walls from Miss Issy’s glitter ball hat. And I balanced a small cat on a dice on a spoon on a wine glass because it is fun to balance stuff on other stuff. Dad has done it for years. In fact dad was balancing rocks on rocks on rocks long before that Andy Goldsworthy bloke. Only dad was an auto-destructive potter when he was young and says one day the world will end and so we must not see what we do as permanent, so Mr Goldsworthy recording his work is compromising his art form, and selling out to the corporate society. (OK I have said this before but it’s true)

Hang on; how the hell did you lot side track me. They have all gone now (the Ghost Writer and his family not the rocks) and all is peace again so I have been to seen mum and I said I’m bored now mum what will I do HA HA HAH AH hahh hah hah hahah hah hahh hhahah hahahh  only she said IDIOT and threw a female Turkey leg  at me, sorry I mean Chicken leg HA HA HA Hah hah hah hahh hah hah hah ha hhha ha. Mum said IDIOT again and the dog (not Joseph) has done a runner with the leg………  



A cat on a dice on a spoon on a wine glass









Just in case anyone is thinking that is a rubbish picture it is in fact an experiment as it is a picture taken through the side of a half empty wine bottle ....... As I don't drink I thought I should at least try and do something useful with the bottle ......... Same with the picture below too 


And people think I make stuff up ................ No don't need too

The Ghost writer whose glasses do steam up when he drinks tea .....Not like some ?

Sunday, 25 December 2011

The Christmas Day message to the Nation and mass market merchandizing

Christmas day and a time of many things to many people. My good friend Captain Nessman will have been to mass and then out helping others and trying to do good deeds remembering his friends and family, a day of peace before battling the seven seas once more. We have had a quiet day at home opening presents and pottering about, and sending the odd message out wishing the world a Merry Christmas.

It has been a very chilled Christmas day which is great and I am very lucky to have an array of interesting presents from family and friends including my first mass market merchandizing in the form of a badge, well several of them in fact from Miss Fionski the Famous Russian Spy proving the very point that thinking about presents means more than spending lots of money.

I also got some huge clawed hands that fit on my own hands so that I can pick up entire shrubs in the garden and put then in the expanding container supplied with them. I tried testing them on the cat but it ran away at the sight of two huge green claws approaching. I have also receiver books and CD’s (Steely Dan and Neil Young), posh shirts and posh chocolates and various items for the garden plus a weather vane for the roof (Well Cool). Yes I know what you are thinking “But you are an eccentric Child not some grumpy old bloke” but I have loads of stuff and as my very good friend Captain Nessman would say Stuff does not bring happiness, OK I am happy and like stuff and have lots of it, but the twists and turns of life are fickle and we must remember such things and not take the good fortune we find ourselves in for granted. After all there are millions who have no control over their fate and have nothing or give up all to fight the greed and corruption of their leaders.

OK that’s it the end of this years Queens speech, Time for food and overindulgence after all I do live in the decadent west, although I don’t do sales so no boxing day sales for us. 

Heavy Harry the Cat and a very desirable Rob Z Tobor badge  

The Christmas Day sunset


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Saturday, 24 December 2011

We three kings of orient are a lovely slowly roasted dinner due to a translation error

I have been asking Napoleon Beelzebub about Santa and Satan looking rather similar and how both are into red in a big way and Mr Beelzebub said HO HO HO LITTLE BOY AND what would you like for Christmas before both him and the dog fell about on the floor in hysterics. Yes mum did say IDIOTS.


Anyway Christmas Eve is a time of Christmas carols and interesting stories so Captain Flint the Parrot who is very very very old, and I mean very old at least five or six hundred years, has been telling us about a tribe in his native South American forest and how their ancestral song ended up as a Christmas carol.

It appears the tribe were cannibals, I know not nice, but these things happened back in the old days, and Captain Flint said the tribe would attack other tribes and run off with the juicy ones and eat them in a big festival with roast chestnuts and hang their clothes above the open fire as they slowly roasted their dinner (OK YUK). As time passed European Missionaries arrived and said hang on this is not nice you cant do that so they (the tribe) tried eating the missionaries, but they tasted really YUK to the tribe. It was the high wheat diet of the Europeans, all that bread and hard ships biscuits, and it turned out the tribe was allergic to wheat, what with there being none in the jungle.

Then on this very night hundreds of years ago three kings from the east arrived who had followed a star, and they came bearing gifts having travelled over field and fountain, moor and mountain, following yonder star until they arrived in the deep forest. The tribe who now realized eating Europeans was a bad move said Hello who are you then and the three Kings said We’re three kings of Orient are but due to a terrible error in translation it was translated into Wheat Free Kings of Orient are, and so on Christmas day all those hundreds of years ago the tribe had a delicious meal of three kings. The ornate stockings that the kings were wearing hanging in the branches above the fire filled with the gifts that they brought with them.  

The tribe wrote a song in celebration and as the kings were from the orient the song became a victim of Chinese Whispers and the rest as Captain Flint the Parrot said is History.

And so with Captain Flints Christmas tale (the story not his tail) we all wish you a happy Christmas, unless you are watching the rerun of the block buster movie in August ……… mum just said IDIOT now. HO HO HO.  

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Friday, 23 December 2011

Never play Paper, Scissors, Stone when it is raining

We were all a bit tired this morning because I was coughing rather a lot last night as a result of the head cold, which all us blokes think is probably man flu. Yes I’m sure it must be man flu. However we were sort of pottering about not doing a lot first thing when a big Fox went slinking past the house looking Mischievous and wet. It was raining rather heavily most of the day.   

After the fox vanished the day started as a rather quiet day, of rummaging in the odd box that has still to be completely emptied (No; still no jumpers), there is a lot of stuff, I think we are running out of shelving again. Then it became clear the front guttering was blocked so we played paper, scissors, stone and I lost so I had to go up the ladder and clear it. As we now live in a bungalow it was dead easy although I got very wet. Then we discovered that with the guttering working correctly the front flower beds filled with water and became ponds. So we played paper, scissors, stone and I lost, so I had to go out and make a channel through the hedge so all the water could head down hill into the fabled Minor Stream of Inconsequence. So I had to stick my head and most of me in the hedge to do it, so I got very wet and covered in hedge. Then just as I finished, and all the water was heading where the water should head, sort of towards the sea, the sun came out. Well that is typical get totally soaked twice then when I don’t need to go out it is sunny, but I did get some photos of what was a well cool sunset. I know it may not sound that exciting but we didn’t get these in Monty because of being so close to the castle hill.



Thursday, 22 December 2011

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. The bird table the pond and the Badgers.

Tonight (Thursday night) was  the last late night shopping opportunity to have got all those really interesting Christmas presents, in the evening at least, at Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop. He says he is planning to have a quiet Christmas with his mates The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.  Eat a bit too much, drink a bit too much and maybe mess with the Euro a bit more next year for a bit of fun.

Anyway I did manage to wrap a present today and also get half the bird table out of the pond, It was the big half and luckily it is not broken, It is a ceramic bird table and when we got up this morning it had vanished. The suspicion is that it was pushed into the pond by Badgers, probably because it has images of fish on the side of it and the Badgers thought they were saving the fish. Badgers are as blind as bats but cant fly and catch insects like bats but then bats can’t push over bird tables well not ceramic ones with fish on the side.

We now have to find a way to find the top of the bird table. The dog has suggested we add weights to the cats and throw them in and then only allow them out once they appear in the shallow end with the rest of the bird table.  I don’t think mum approved of that plan because she hit the dog with the armadillo toaster and said IDIOT.

Oooo yes two final things to mention Thursday night late night shopping means Chip Butties YUM and I am feeling just a little better than I did last night so with luck the head cold is slowly going, still there is always the risk of man flu with us chaps because chaps get man flu. I am told by men that man flu is one of the great burdens of being a man and women just don’t understand. Mum just said IDIOT so that last bit must be true. 

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

The Acme Armageddon Universal Chemistry Set cure for a Head Cold and Gravity

I have come down with this cold now and am hoping it will be gone for Christmas. The dog is using the Acme Armageddon Universal Chemistry Set to mix up something to get rid of it. He says it is really good and I will be my usual logical self in no time. That is a bit of a worry I am not famous for being logical and nor is my diary and nor is the dog at times.

Anyway I have spent part of the day groaning in bed in a re-enactment of that old B-movie “Zombies in Duvets” and I spent part of the day delivering paper sweet cases to people who needed paper sweet cases. While Sooty the Cat was stalking Pheasants and Heavy Harry the Cat was helping the dog with an experiment using the Acme Armageddon Universal Chemistry Set. It was an experiment in giving things (cats) the ability to defeat gravity. In Heavy Harry the Cats case it is very useful in finding places to sleep so that he does not have to set fire to himself under spot lamps. It has been a successful experiment so maybe his cold remedy will work too. Mum said she does not think so and I am best to go and see that very nice Dr Frankenstein instead as it will be safer.  

Fiona Knight                since it is the winter solstice wouldn't it be easier to trek into the woods past the screaming banshee and take part in a coven circle, they would surely be able to use their divination to conjure up a remedy whilst making you dance upon hot coals to draw out the demon germs of the season

I might test the hot coals with Heavy Harry the Cat first Miss Fionaski as he has been practising all day on hot radiators

I did try this but I fell off, Where Heavy Harry the Cat slept for about four hours and didn't. 

Tuesday, 20 December 2011

A nice meal without Steven Spielberg and Alfred Hitchcock

Sorry it’s late we have just returned from a great meal at The Sun Inn at Marton, it appears that Steven Spielberg was not going to meet us for a meal to discuss the film script for the block buster movie after all. I knew that dog was not telling the truth. Still we had a great meal and are now well stuffed,  So I am back home to tell of the days events, only I have forgotten them now.

OK we went off to see Miss Fionaski this morning and exchange Christmas presents and secret microfilm about secret stuff that is secret, well it is from me as mum recons I will stick it in my diary. I did say no one actually reads my diary and that I am starting to loss faith in that Steven Spielberg bloke and we might be better to contact Alfred  Hitchcock  after all he made that very cool film all about birds attacking people. Well  mainly Crows and Seagulls, although I would have thought it would be the Chickens and Turkeys that would be most upset a bit like the Turkey next door who has not said a word now for a couple of days.

The dog thinks contacting Alfred Hitchcock is a great idea and has suggested that we all hold hands (and paws) round the dinning room table and hum. I really can not see now that is going to help, and I don’t think cats or parrots can Hum. I think the dog is keen to get him involved after the incident with the knife, the shower, and the Mummified Poet during one of our less successful film re-enactments way back in book one. It was very messy and so we left it out of the story because we are still hoping to appeal to a family audience.  


We also moved a battered scrapped  wooden chest that was abandoned in the garage into the dinning room today and covered it in twigs and fairy lights for visual effect on Christmas day, so that people can come and say WHATS THAT???? And we can say its an old battered chest covered in twigs and fairy lights and they can say that’s very unusual and we can say that’s very kind of you to say so it is good to be unusual.

Anyway it is late and almost tomorrow so I will go as I think I have that head cold now.


Monday, 19 December 2011

African Punk freestyle Drumming and the Chess match of 1753

Well that’s it School has all but ended; the teachers were playing hop-scotch on the headmasters desk today and that is a sure sign that everyone has given up for Christmas. Esmeralda set fire to the flag pole because as she said IT WAS THERE. And although the headmaster said that is not the best reason to set fire to it, but it is after all why people climb mountains and buy rubbish in the January sales. So he let her off, although she had my poker that I made in metalwork in her hand at the time.     

But now our first woodwork project for next term is a new flag pole, and setting fire to all the rubbish from the January sales that our families have bought.

I have been playing djembe tonight with the last of our once mighty group of drummers, it is not too bad with the two of us for one very good reason, I am a dam good djembe player, if I say so myself which I have to, because the rest of the household have their fingers in their ears shouting stop it we cant stand the pain of African Punk freestyle Drumming. Sometimes it is a hard and a long struggle to introduce new interesting variations of what is a very traditional art form of noise. My drumming friend has departed and returned to the heart of Bishops Castle, so called to the best of my knowledge not because there is no castle and no Bishop. But someone once played a game of Chess there in 1753 which lead to a rowdy night of intellectual banter about Bishops travelling on diagonals and the castles travelling on the parallel of the sides of the town. Which of course means a drunken Bishop will never find The Castle (the pub where the chess match was played). Then the winner of said chess game got lost on his way home after too much cider and was never seen again. But they did name the town after the Chess match rather that the man who got lost, because if they had done that Bishops Castle would now be called Freddie Smithville.     

Mum has gone down with a head cold (not a cold head) so starts the day sort of OK and bouncy but by now is feeling rotten. Strange how colds do that, sadly my African Punk freestyle Drumming did not help get rid of it, even when we played the famous Gambian Feel Good Song, still on the bright side me and my pal felt good ……..mum just said IDIOT so she must be feeling a little better.

I notice in the world of cyberspace that Captain Nessman of the High Seas says 3 down and 2 to go and Miss Fionaski the famous Russian spy says 5 down and 5 to go. Are they playing Chess and have lost the Bishop in a Castle. Mmmmmmmmmm…….

Sunday, 18 December 2011

Large canvas tarpaulins and Patrick Moore telling of Life on Venus turning our bodies to Slimy Jelly

I finally finished the box for the Cormorant this afternoon so the beast in now in its box PHEW, at Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop where I spent the day helping out and shouting at the public. It does help to keep them on their toes and stops to many of them roaming about aimlessly.

Even dad was there today and was dead pleased because he met a man who had two large canvas tarpaulins he was about to throw away, No one gets to throw stuff away if dad is about they are meant to be about sixteen foot by twenty four foot. So dad says they will be ideal to set up for a party some time. Dad likes parties but not people so he has parties on his own, well I get to go too and mum and the dog and the parrot and the cats and probably the badgers will turn up if there is food. Badgers are well known gate crashers of parties and gates.

It was Mystic Ali’s Big Christmas Fair in Montgomery town hall today, we had forgotten about that so there were a lot of wizards and warlocks and witches roaming about but they don’t really come to see Mr Beelzebub much.  Mum did say I could go and get some lucky heather if I wanted, but I said that she was not there.


I got too see Venus tonight. It is one of the pluses of living away from the hill, we have a lot more sky (not the TV channels) to look at, and Venus as we all known is the bright thing in the sky. Well after the dogs flare gun anyway. He says it helps him spot the badgers as they are scaring the cats, well its either badgers or Yeti or big-foot, but none of them are overly keen on flare guns in the middle of the night. Nor is Patrick Moore as it happens when he is doing a live “Sky at Night” to tell folk about life on Venus and how it will be coming to eat us all next year and turn our bodies to Slimy Jelly. Apparently the rating have fallen a bit lately for “The Sky at Night” and it is part of a cunning plan to improve them.

Saturday, 17 December 2011

Volvo Test Dummies and the Cormorant

I know my world often follows the fine line between reality and imagination, truth and fiction. Although as I have said many times before it is all based very much on fact and things just get scrambled in the parallel world of cyberspace by the brain of that very nice Ghost Writer. So I am sure it is with some scepticism on your part that I can tell you I am making a box for a Cormorant tonight.

It is not my fault this has happened it is all to do with making the Angel of the Norse and then it winning the Montgomery Christmas window competition, so it was decided I was the idea person to make the box for the beast (well Bird). Luckily we happen to have a life size model of a Cormorant at home, but I guess most people do these days; so I can use that one as a sort of Stunt Cormorant to test the box.

In the same way that Volvo cars test that their car seats are comfy with those dummy people.  Although why they then let them drive the car is anyone’s guess; because they always seem to crash the cars. You would think that Volvo would have learnt by now that you don’t let them have the keys, or as quick as you can say BREATH INTO THIS BAG SIR they are off and have hit a wall; you can see why they are called dummies.

On top of that I have been making letters, no not Hello Fred how are things, but A. B. C etc it is something I have to do.

Today has been not nice weather wise cold wet and stuff like that, but the sun did come out for a short while and one of the things about our classic 1970’s bungalow is the slightest bit of sun and it is suddenly very warm inside. Resulting in all the animals sunbathing, which then results in the rest of us falling over them.  OK that’s it I off I have a box to make for a Cormorant ……… No its true I really do.  

Friday, 16 December 2011

the first snow of winter, the Yeti? and the The Angel of the Norse

The day started with snow, well cool although not enough to make a snow man or use the jet powered sledge in the field next to the house but the dog said he saw a Yeti or a Big-foot or something like that. And mum said something shot past her really fast this morning and vanished out of the cat flap. Would a Yeti get through a cat flap?

Sadly by the time I arrived at school the snow was just a wet soggy mass on the ground (OK I know that is what snow is, what I mean is it was slushy and YUK).  School was a bit slushy and YUK too today but that happens to the best of schools it can’t be helped, I did tell the headmaster it was not his fault the school was slushy and YUK today but he said IDIOT. That is hardly a friendly response is it.

I found out late yesterday that Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop won the Montgomery Christmas window competition …… I thought that was good but Mr Beelzebub says it is all a bit suspect as the judging papers have been nobbled (that’s sort of changed to those of you who are international readers) and he says it was our turn this year as it is a done deal and we all have to win in turn and one of the little old ladies made a mistake, so the judging card was nobbled (adjusted due to a technical error as it was put). Still I get a prize as I made the Angel of the Norse, it is The Angel of the Norse and a jelly bean, only I made The Angel of the Norse. So I plan to bury the jelly bean in the garden just on the off chance that it might be magic and keep my fingers crossed it will not be eaten by Badges, Badgers like jelly beans so I have found out after that long fight in the Badger set.

We also got our Christmas tree and I finally found ………………..  NO not them, but the charger for the camera so I can take pics again.

Oooooo by the way the Indian last night was ….Well Cool or as it actually was, Hot, but it was rather Yummy. The dog says it is great substitute on the roads when the council runs out of grit when there is ice or snow, although you must never use the Nan bread as it only makes the roads even more slippy.  Yet another useful Christmas tip if you get fed up with Turkey curry after the big day.

Our Classic Seventies Bungalow

The Winning Christmas Window in Montgomery

The view this morning while eating Coco pops YUM

Thursday, 15 December 2011

Mr Putin and the Russian Presidential Elections, and Basil Rathbone

I have noticed on the news that Mr Putin the well know Russian chap who has been resting while he let others take the helm of the great Russian state ( Hang on what is that up there with wings, very strange looks just like a pig to me; WOW), is about to re-enter the world of politics. 

Anyway he is back doing things to help promote his efforts to return as President Putin including according to my friend Basil nicknamed after Basil Rathbone because his dad is always stalking deer and Basil is rather good at elementary stuff like what’s on.  

Anyway back to Russia according to Basil Mr Putin has been seen singing and dancing on the roof of a very well known hotel in Moscow as part of a promotional re-enactment of a very popular Fred Astaire movie.  However mum says Basil is an IDIOT and after all she is a Russian spy and nuclear scientist …….. Although I am not allowed to mention that am I……. AH  




Puttin on the Ritz



I am off out ofter late night shopping at Napoleon Beelzebubs Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop to have a curry so thought I would do an early diary entry. Only I have not done much today except make an L shape.

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Prince William and Kate only not that Prince William and Kate ........ but the Chinese Whispers Will's and Kate and a flibbertigibbet.

It is cold, windy and wet, this sort of weather is not good for the brain and dulls the mind so instead of a interesting witty informative diary full of imagination and inspiration, it is likely to degenerate into the ordinary and mundane. This would be disastrous for potential future book sales (Yes OK I know, no sniggering at the back).

Lets face it none of you would like me to write my daily diary in the following way would you.

Got up and had a wash, then I had breakfast and walked to school bus. Got the school bus to school and went to school, French lesson first so did French, I think; I don’t understand French so am not sure. Walked to next lesson which was Maths passed small furry thing shouting Oooo yes no yes really yes no go away, did maths then walked to the geography class  to do geography passed small furry thing shouting it was not me it was not me who chopped it down that cherry tree. Dave said the small furry thing is annoying and it’s cold outside.

OK that is enough of that imagine how you would feel after 200,000 words rambling on like that, apparently the dog says he does not have to imagine it because I have.  Well only sort of.

The small furry thing was last seen heading towards the headmasters office shouting AH yes no but it will yes it is apparently just a flibbertigibbet, well we have had a few of those about over time. I believe the latest one is called Higgs boson, not the one in the school corridor by the way I think he was called Brian Higgs or is he a footballer, never mind.

By the way I have made yet another error in my diary although it is not my fault this time, it is classic Montgomery Chinese whispers. But it appears that those Royals Wills and Kate were not in Montgomery the other day it was two lookalikes; the Kate lookalike had Steam powered legs and was going HAR HAR HAR HARDY HAR a lot while eating, and the Wills lookalike had a patch over one eye, was quite short and had six legs. Now I do realize that over the passing of time Royals have a habit of interbreeding leading to some strange anomalies, but I don’t think that Prince William bloke has six legs, although it might explain his control of helicopters because the more limbs the better with those things. Anyway it might just be pirates and lets face it, it has been a long time since anyone saw a Jolly Roger in Montgomery …………………. Mum just said IDIOT and that local in jokes (INN JOKES HA H AH HAH HAHHAH HAH HAHHAH HAHAHH Hah hahahah hah hah) are a total waste in an International best selling book …….. She ‘s right.

She has just added  in which case I don’t need to worry then …………… ????? 

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

The Missing Designer Jumpers and the archaeologists

I discovered today that several of my favourite jumpers may have taken an alternative route when we moved house, and might just be in land fill. This is not good news for me but it may be that in hundreds of year’s time when the archaeologists open the black bin bag that they were put in they will find some real cool jumpers.

One or two were one offs made for me but these things happen, so I will just have to stick with the old battered jumpers for now. The advantage of that is I don’t need to worry if they get a bit messed up, they usually do; but now I can say that posh jumpers are no good they just end up in land fill. Anyway it just goes to show you should always take everything when you move, after all we seem to have brought some of the stuff that was going to be thrown away, but there was a lot of demented running about at the end.

The reason these missing jumpers have come to my notice is the fact is has been very cold today and at one point the grass was white but is was a sort of slushy hail so in other words YUK and the wind was blowing. However it appears that the weather is due to be much worse at the end of the week so I may have to raid Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop for a new Jumper to replace the missing ones, he has some cool jumpers, he makes people wear them in front of the furnaces if they sing or look happy.

Just as well we did not move house in the summer or I would be scratching my head for days once the winter arrive trying to work out where my winter clothes had got too and would be convinced that sheep had been raiding my wardrobe to get the wool back, they do that sometimes. 

Monday, 12 December 2011

The royals as in Wills and Kate, the Large Cod and the Montgomery Christmas Window Competition

School is all rather chilled at the moment the art teacher has us producing Potato print wrapping paper, and is selling in the market after school. It is, as the teacher says A nice little earner, personally I thought a nice little earner was what you put flowers in HA HA HA HA HAH HAH HAH HA hhah hah hah ah hahahh hah. I have just had a great idea for a Christmas cracker joke.


Dad is making home made Christmas crackers again this year, although mum insists that he uses less gunpowder than last year. However one of the great things about last years crackers is me and some of my school friends were able to re-enact The Italian Job (the original one not the rubbish remake) and say You’re only meant to blow the doors off. And dad should have warned Mr Jenkins next door before he and Mrs Jenkins pulled the first one.

Look this is all a distraction yet again. I called into Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop on the way home as mum was holding the fort (when I say holding the fort I don’t mean a fort or even a model of a fort I mean ………..O never mind) He says The Angel of the Norse has attracted many comments while it has been in the window, and in fact tonight is judging night for the Montgomery Christmas Window competition…….. Yes well, remember what happened last year but if they will have two little old ladies who are 93 from the WI to judge I think an angel with horns is not going to win.

I was told that the royals as in Wills and Kate (Is that right?) were in Monty last week at the restaurant over the road from Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop.  The one with the Michelin Star; giving food awards named after car tyres is all a bit odd don’t you think.

Of course one of the draw backs to being a royal is you are not allowed to eat in places like Big Bill’s Greasy Fur Ball Café or even the Sun Inn in Marton so you are trapped in a world of places that me and the dog are not allowed in. OK the dog has been banned from Big Bill’s Greasy Fur Ball Café as well now, due to the incident with the leg of lamb and the confusion with the leg of the waiter. But as the dog pointed out close up a leg is a leg, and they all tend to run away screaming at times; and just because on this particular occasion the leg knew the short cut through the kitchen, he was concentrating on getting his dinner.     

Talking of Food  I had Young’s Large cod fillets for tea, this is a sign that cod are becoming extinct because if that was a Large cod we must be down to the tiny weensy baby throw it away its not worth it fish on the grounds we have eaten all the rest. So Christmas tip for tonight is …… eat as many cod as you can before everyone else eats them and there are none left. 

Sunday, 11 December 2011

my first Christmas tip this year is don’t hide chocolate in a Badger set, or jelly babies or cheese.

It has been a very wet day indeed, so it is good to know our new wooden bungalow has not floated away down the fabled Minor Stream of Inconsequence which remained very minor, I think that because we are at the source of the fabled Minor Stream of Inconsequence it is unlikely to turn into a torrent unless the climate changes so much that Captain Nessman of the High Seas old sparring partner, Mr Gore will leap about going SEE SEEE I TOLD YOU Ha AH HAH HAHHA HAHAHAH HAHAH HAHAHAH HAH.

At which Point Captain Nessman will tie him to the anchor of his trusty pirate ship (that’s Captains Nessman pirate ship not Mr Gores) and as Captain Nessman of the High Seas would put it make Al kiss the Algae.

It is now two week until Christmas day and we have started to decorate the house, and one advantage of being where we are is there is loads of holy with berries on and conifer trees so plenty of greenery. One disadvantage of where we are is as dad said earlier where the hell are the Christmas Decorations, Christmas Lights and the rotating steam powered musical whistling Christmas tree with the fairy armadillo on the top that sings Waltzing Matilda like Rolf Harris. I think mum destroyed that when we move house but dad does not know that and mum said she I will be in trouble if dad finds out so not to write about it ……………. AH. Mum has said IDIOT again.

I would normally stash my Christmas presents in the cellar but this year we don’t have a cellar, the dog thought that the Badger set might do as a substitute but I have discovered it is fine for some items but not chocolate. So my first Christmas tip this year is don’t hide chocolate in a Badger set, or jelly babies or cheese.  My second tip would be do not try and get you’re rather nice vintage mature cheddar cheese back from a gang of badgers who have you surrounded in a badger set once they have got you’re cheese in their claws.   

Saturday, 10 December 2011

Christmas delights and the domino effect of stuff

Yes it has happened, it was only a matter of time and the fact that things can go faster than light has made not a jot of difference to it, because it happened, well started in the way it usually starts anyway. There have been lights hinting at the moment and even the odd half hearted effort here and there but nothing serious. So we have been able to maintain control and pretend it was not happening, until today.


Today we were confronted with the full force of the true professionally organized and constructed construction and there is was tonight in the dark staring at us in all its glory. And although I thought I might stop and take a picture to show you all, dad and the dog said no keep your head down and dad hit the accelerator, so that we were able to escape almost entirely unharmed.

But we know that tomorrow we may well end up passing it again so in order to avoid injury dad is insisting we wear protection and has issued us all with CIA regulation sun glasses left over from the spies in book one. Now if any one is saying book one what book one, yes I know the publishers have not published it on the grounds that it is rubbish. Really that’s a dam feeble excuse if you ask me, although they didn’t. But despite that you have no excuse for not reading Facebook or the Blog or watching the blockbuster movie (yes OK that Steven Spielberg bloke may have said rubbish as well). OK then in order not to get into a long unnecessary paragraphs worth of text I don’t need I will concede that you may not know about the CIA or the FBI or MI6 and designer glasses ….. PHEW now look I am loosing the plot again.

Just in case any of you are wondering exactly what is happening and some might be despite the global domino effect of the event we are talking of the lighting up of the household Christmas lights by those who mean business and in particular the Churchstoke home of Christmas de-lights, which will lead to the battle of the night with every possible lit up Christmas object being lit up on the front of someone’s home.

Now you want to know exactly what I think of this don’t you so I will be straight and say ……… ITS WELL COOL …….. OK mum the dog and dad have now said IDIOT, I thought they might. Captain Flint the Parrot says that the lights on the house in Churchstoke is a secret treasure map; and why are there never Brazil nuts included in any of the designs, its discrimination against nuts.    

Friday, 9 December 2011

Writing of many things including nothing and the rich and famous celebrities of the mundane

Being just an ordinary everyday eccentric child of cyberspace life ticks along in a slow and often repetitive cycle, and things sort of happen. I am not complaining about that, because life for me is fairly chilled compared to many, I am merely observing. And as I think I have said in the past often the lives of the so called rich and famous celebrities of society are a lot more mundane, and often sadder that they would wish you to know.

Anyway the point I am slowly getting to is I had to do all sorts of things today that I had to do, and the things that I would have liked to do; I was not able to do because of the things that needed doing. Not only that but we were all planning to go and see a film in Montgomery tonight, that was made in Montgomery, but to put in the technical phraseology that dad used to describe the reason we are unable to go we are all totally  ******* knackered.  And although mum told him off for saying he was totally  ******* knackered there is no denying that it is true, we all are.

Now the one thing I remember about that film is that they run past the church and then arrive at the sea. Now I know that is not right and the only way to the sea is via the Island in the lake in the park with a pirate ship, you can’t run up church bank and over the hill to the beach. However this is a distraction from the discussion of things which we have also had in the past and are having again now because as I said right at the very start of tonights diary entry it is what us ordinary folk do. Well that and my rather cunning ability to write loads about nothing, although tonight I am writing about things. Well I was till I mentioned nothing and now I am writing about nothing and not things …………

I better go now because both mum and the dog have said IDIOT and both Heavy Harry the Cat and Sooty the Cat are staring at nothing? in the room next door like its something very scary, although it really is nothing …… I hope ………YICKS


..............I like this I'm sure you can tell ............ .


something as a bit of a change

Thursday, 8 December 2011

When Eminent Entomologists or South American Butterflies DON’T THROW STONES IN GLASS CAGES

It was windy and wet today here, I have not heard a news today so not sure how the rest of the UK got on, as it was due to be very windy in the north.  As we have discussed before in the past, it is all the fault of those butterflies, flapping their wings in South America that causes it. And they know too, the cunning little beasts.

It is revenge for all those years when eminent Entomologists or something like that would stick pins in them and put them all in glass cages. There is some old saying that goes don’t throw stones in Glass cages ……… I think? Which goes back to the days when some of the more hardy species of South American butterfly would make attempts at escaping, but it was always futile as they would freeze to death on the moors during the night as they scurried through the undergrowth to avoid the spot lamps, dogs and butterfly nets.  Still the activities of those Entomologists now have the repercussion that the butterflies family generations later randomly cause storms and rain by flapping their wings.

It was late night shopping in Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop tonight as it is Thursday and although very quiet we did get a decent chip butty, so all was not lost (nothing was lost as it happens …..What’s that saying all about?)

Right then that is it for tonight a rather short diary entry I’m afraid as I am planning to go and chill (as in relax by the fire not leap about out in the cold wind)

Wednesday, 7 December 2011

The Ghost Writers long meeting about strategic organisational structural planning and those insentient drums

The ghost writer called in tonight after a long meeting about strategic organisational structural planning plus an organisation open day and then the AGM, so he is well spaced out. He is also not a fan of night driving these days. But then he is old and it is a well know fact that the older you get the harder it is to drive at night. He says that God bloke better have a decent master plan for everyone getting old and knackered.



Sorry but  I am very late tonight I have been drumming with one of the drummers from our little group, only there is just the two of us left now. Things have been picking the group off one by one, and so we are having to take care just in case we (the last two as in me and him) get pick off as well. It is life getting in the way again of important things like drumming and playing guitar and writing diaries.

We had a phone call tonight from the nice little old lady who used to live in our house, she has finally moved into a house of her own. I think about two days ago, it is good to know she is not sleeping in the wild hills of Mid-Wales any longer, because it is a nice house here (even if it is one of the ugliest we looked at) and it was a bit of a worry to know that it’s previous occupant was doomed to life in the wild hills. It was a wood in the wild hills too so I suspect it was full of bears and bear poo and The Living Dead, walking in bear poo, although she did not mention bears or The Living Dead just that her kettle is missing and she now has a rather posh car battery charger that she never used to have. So she can’t make a nice cup of tea but she can electrocute the cat H HAH HAH HAHHAHAH HAH hhahah hhah hahhha hhah hahh hahah ha……. Mum muttered something at me then; Mmmmmmmm I suspect it was the usual.      

Tuesday, 6 December 2011

Frieda and Ted Hughes, Westminster Abbey, poetry Seamus Heaney, Hughie Green and other things

The English teacher was back today, she was telling us about yesterday when she arrived at school and was wiping the blackboard and then the next thing she found herself walking in the wood as The Living Dead. It was concentrating on the avoidance of walking in bear poo that finally brought her out of that state. Well those bears do have a bit of a reputation in the woods.

So she said that she wanted us to write some poetry about events in the news today. Poetry; what is that going to do to the block buster movie it might end up like that Mamma Mia movie, still on the bright side it would allow the opportunity for a lot more zombies. So like yesterday this is my poem (not a fairy Tale)

 I heard my friend Miss Frieda Hughes
On my radio, on the National News
Today at Westminster, there will be a plaque
Held in place with some new Blue-tack
Or maybe they’ll use something, which will hold it firmer
To keep it attached to Terra firma.
And as time does pass, one thing we know
Poets come, and Poets go
And because Ted Hughes was rather famous
Some words will be read by his mate Seamus ……………..
(Heaney)
Not the famous Hughie Greenieeee
THE END

The English teacher said it was OK right up to the point where I mentioned Hughie Green, apparently he is not quiet that famous and the international audience will all go WHO? WHAT? I did try to explain it is good to stretch the minds of the international audience, but mum said IDIOT when I told her....  

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