Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Good old BT. The Red Kite and the Lemmings of Petrograd

Well good old BT who said they were rubbish, it not true they are really nice blokes particularly those very nice men in the Indian call centre who managed too frighten the owls and crows off the lines. They said they would, and true to their word, they have. Well either them or the Red Kite which was hunting in the field next to the house.  The dog said it’s a known fact that BT use Red Kites to improve broadband.

Yes according to the dog Red kites are very cheap to run as they will work for a few rodents and maybe some macaroni cheese on Sundays and can fly quietly along the telephone wires for miles. So any critters sat on the lines causing the slow broadband can be shifted quickly and efficiently. The only critters who are bolshie enough to stand their ground are the Lemmings of Petrograd who will shout better dead than Red at the Red Kites. Their saving grace is that they are rubbish on the high wire (I know that’s true, I have never seen a high wire act with Lemmings at a circus) and in shouting at the Red Kite they invariably fall off the line anyway. Falling is something the Lemmings are good at, as they are well practiced.  

We also have the second cat flap now in the outer back door for Heavy Harry the Cat and Sooty the Cat as we found the jigsaw, so now they can wander in and out as they please, or sit in front of the radiator all day instead as Heavy Harry has decided to do. He also insists that he wishes to use the front door so we are still opening and closing doors for the cats

Dad has now hidden the tiger skin rug or as he puts it What tiger skin rug; never seen one in my life and what’s a tiger anyway, we will have none of that real fur stuff in this house unless it is joined at the seams and full of organs and roars a bit.

OK I am off now to eat my tea (dinner) it is a round tea tonight as all the component parts are round. Round meals are good but then so are square meals or for that matter any shaped meal as long as there is loads YUM….


The broadband is OK now but has been a ............

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

The Stanley Knife and the cat flap. Dirty Harry and the bookcase

Has the Internet speeded up ever so slightly, I don’t know but when I say slightly I mean it (ARE YOU LISTENING BT) I doubt it, GGGgrrrrrrrrrrr and stuff like that. I will continue to inform of their progress on Facebook and my blog so the entire world knows. I have been fitting a cat flat tonight because out in the wilds of the wild it is up to the individual to find their own amusement. And until I can find the things I need I am tinkering at DIY.

Mum says it is useful to be able to do DIY as one day I will annoy someone by never quite getting round to putting that kitchen shelf up. A bit like dad but as he says himself once you start to make life size steam powered dinosaurs and perpetual motion machines there is little enthusiasm for a shelf, unless it is for armadillo shaped objects such as the toaster and the magpie chaser.

As it happens most of the tools are still in boxes in storage in a room in a house in Montgomery so getting the cat flap in the door was not as straight forward as it normally would be and I had to cut a hole in the door with a Stanley knife. Well a Stanley knife and a hammer, and although it sounds a bit brutal it did work quite well.

As with the front door as I have previously mentioned we have two, the same is true of the back door. But the outer back door will definitely require the right tools it is a rather sturdy UPVC thing so a Stanley Knife was never going to work. Still the cats can get through one of the doors, only they refuse to use the cat flap now, typical.

By the way I noticed that one of my facts was wrong the other day, this is not good if I don’t use truth in my diary then it will loose all credibility and be written off as shear fantasy and the work of a nutter (as in Madman not Brazil nuts that Captain Flint the Parrot eats, he is OK by the way and singing pirate songs again at night). Right the fact I got wrong was I said we had five bookcases from IKEA now this is not true as we have six, I am sorry for this error. What with all the rushing about and stuff I kind of lost count; a bit like that Dirty Harry bloke in the film with the bullets (not bookcases).

OK that’s it I off now to jump up and down on the head of a tiger skin rug holding a I hate BT placard. I would post it on Youtube but I can’t because our broadband is very very very slow.  

Monday, 28 November 2011

Slow Broadband. B.T. And the Acme Pheasant Ned Kelly Shot Gun Protection Kit

This Broadband is not getting any faster, we are starting to feel like good old BT are pulling a fast one, I have visions of gangs of Indian call centre workers sniggering and muttering things like that will teach those British colonial ******* for shooting all the tigers just for fun. Then all those B.T. fat cats employ us all on the cheap so we can listen to the masses complaining they have no broadband. Which they only want so they can sit on their bums all day on Facebook.

Talking of shooting Tigers, the shoot were back this morning bagging the odd pheasant (when I say odd I mean one or two, not strange) Still I was at school doing metal work and mum and dad did the IKEA run again to get more bookcases. That’s five of them now so with luck that might just about do it. Dad says if we had decent broadband he would sit on his bum for the rest of the day and annoy folk on Facebook with pictures of tiger skin rugs and elephant umbrella stands. You don’t see many of them these days probably a bit non PC (as in politically correct not personal computer).

Some of the pheasants were hiding in the garden again today, so maybe they are not quite as stupid as we think. I am trying to help some of them, and I have got the metalwork class working on Acme Pheasant Ned Kelly Shot Gun Protection Kits. These are very effective, as long as the pheasant does not try to fly, well let’s face it pheasants are not great at flying at the best of times. So the additional weight of a couple of pounds of steel plate makes flight impossible, and the swimming experiment was a bit of a disaster, but I don’t think pheasants float anyway, so that shouldn’t matter.

There is one small drawback to the Acme Pheasant Ned Kelly Shot Gun Protection Kit, if you hit a pheasant who is wearing one it makes one hell of a dent in the car. On the bright side the little critters can’t run out in front of you as fast, so they are safer on the road wearing it. 

Sunday, 27 November 2011

General Custer and the Pheasants

One advantage of living in a classic 70’s bungalow with huge UPVC double glazed windows is the slightest bit of sun and it is well toasty. So this morning we were eating breakfast with the patio doors open. That is not bad for the end of November although if it is like that now what will it be like in the summer. Luckily for me, I like hot.

One of the Pheasants wondered into the house this morning, they are way to friendly and tame for their own good, because there is a shoot just the other side of the narrow bit of wood. I think these pheasants are cage bred birds so to put it bluntly, they are stupid. I don’t know why some folk who shot pay so much money to shot cage bred pheasants because they will run up and smile at everyone. It is because they assume all humans have loads of yummy grain and the fact someone is pointing a 12 bore at them seems not to deter them.

The one in the house at least did run off rather sharpish when it was perused by the dog with a large meat cleaver while making references to Bernard Mathews and sitting ducks. Talking of sitting ducks, well Sitting Bull at least Heavy Harry the Cat and Sooty the Cat are leaving the pheasants alone. But it is probably because they are seriously outnumbered and the dog has recently told them the story of what happened to General Custer when he was surrounded by the native Red Indians who were also covered in Pheasant feathers, (lets face it everyone has it is for pheasants).

Saturday, 26 November 2011

The Christmas Fair and Badger Wine

We have been to the Lydham Christmas fair today. Now Lydham is small, very small, where we lived previously was not big but Montgomery has a square a town hall, shops and stuff and by its very design when you go out you bump  into folk chat and in general takes two hours to get a pint of milk. Lydham does have a shop it sells healthy vegetarian stuff which mum says is great but me dad and the dog prefer a big bacon roll with cheese and marsh mallows. You cant get one here.

OK the Christmas fair was in the church, and we were at first greeted with a suspicious if friendly smile, after all this is not the sort of place or event that vast numbers of strangers turn up at. But then they realized we were in fact the new folk at the classic 70’s bungalow on the edge of the village. I say edge of the village, but really everyone is on the edge here. It appears that everyone that lives here knows our house well, and have been to it many times over the years to see the nice little old lady who used to live here.

It also appears that one of the ladies of the village knows mum because she regularly visits Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop back in the hidden crevasses of Montgomery. Where as you all know mum regularly helps out.  We think that we have now been accepted into the community as we were good enough to go to the local little Christmas fair. Mum did think there was maybe a little to much Badger in the mulled wine but the dog likes Badger and after a while told everyone they were his best mates in all the world this included Heavy Harry the Cat and Sooty the Cat, so we decided he must be drunk.

We have been unpacking stuff from boxes, WOW there is a lot of stuff in some of these boxes and we are running out of bookcases so there are plans for another expedition to explore the wonders of IKEA once more next week for more bookcases. The dog told the bookcases they were the best bookcases in all the world and that he would read all the books so they are happy. Mum said IDIOT but the dog said you’re my best mate you are before going out to search for more Badger wine in the woods.

Mum and dad have pointed out that by starting in a new house with this much stuff means there is no need to buy more stuff; although we are having to buy things to put the stuff in. Apparently according to dad all these strange little quirky things of no monetary value will in a thousand years time be worthless strange little quirky things and therefore are worth having as no one else will look after them. He has a point, although it is a rusty blunt one of no value H HA HAH HAH HAH hah hah ha ha hah hah ha ha ha ha ………… Mum said IDIOT again.

Friday, 25 November 2011

Vanishing into a paradox induced blackhole and having blood sucked out of me

I have never been a fan of having blood sucked out of me, but the nurse who did it was very good in fact it was probably the best bit of blood sucking I have come across in the surgery in Montgomery. In school I was telling them about the blood sucking and Esmeralda thought this would be an ideal experiment for the Biology lesson. Although I am not sure where she got the hypodermic needle from, it was huge.

Esmeralda did have to tie the teacher down to the desk to take a blood sample and I am sure they don’t take a pint and a half normally for a few tests but Esmeralda thought it was best to be safe and make sure there was enough blood for everyone to do tests on.

The teacher (Mr Jones) seemed a bit subdued after that, so we were a bit unsure about what tests we needed to do. Freddie insisted that his blood test proved the teacher was pregnant but as some of the class pointed out Mr Jones the Biology teacher was a man. This did not deter Freddie who also insisted that Mr Jones was in fact a Giraffe; well it is true that Mr Jones has a long neck but none of us were convinced. Then Esmeralda said that according to her sample Mr Jones was her identical twin brother, so she then hit Freddie for calling Mr Jones a Giraffe, because if she and he are twins, then by implication Freddie was saying she was a Giraffe too, not a good move.

There was a lot of blood flying about by the end of the lesson, so the sale of black pudding at the school canteen during lunchtime was according to one of the dinner ladies was an all time low, for some reason most people just didn’t fancy any. And it took some persuasion by the headmaster to convince Esmeralda that liquidising the left over’s and feeding it back into the Biology teacher was a bad move. Sometimes I get the feeling Biology is not one of Esmeralda’s stronger subjects.

Back at home I have been assembling another IKEA bookcase for more books. Someone has suggested too mum and dad that they could get one of those kindle gadget things. But as mum pointed out we could either have a room full of interesting old books, filling all the shelves or a kindle and no books just walls.  Well I think we all know which is the more preferable, as the man in the garage said WHY reinvent the wheel, as it happens in his case it might help as they keep falling off his car.

It is surprising how much time writing diaries takes up but if I start writing about the fact I am writing my diary, then according to the dog, I will vanish into a paradox induced blackhole where thoughts are unable to escape and twist back on themselves increasing the paradox and in turn the power of thought required to deal with it, and so on and so on, until the gravitation force of the thoughts is so heavy that your body is unable to support the weight and you will find your self pinned to the floor by your head. Me and the dog thought you needed to know that but mum said IDIOT

Thursday, 24 November 2011

The wind howling in the trees, cats and door handles.

I am rather late tonight; the Ghost Writer has been on an epic trip to Brecon to work on a computer network which has not been happy. Then he was able to scavenge a load of wood, well old bits of desk as it happens which he thought we could use on the fire. Anyway as he put it, he is well knackered as Brecon is further away now and he had quite a lot of wood in the car.

Tonight has been rather interesting because it has been quite windy. We are not used to hearing the wind howling over the house because Montgomery was so sheltered, but it is quite a nice sound and mixes well with the call of the banshee’s, who can now swirl right over the house without leaving the wood.

The Ghost Writer tried to get some sense out of BT tonight, seeing how he is this wizzo IT man only the man in India said it is far too early to speculate on the broadband because it is very windy and the cross winds blow the signals out of the wires. And of course the Owls clutch at the wires to hang on in the wind which is a know cause of restricted bandwidth, Owls have a very strong grip in order to catch little critters.

I am on my regulation health MOT so I am not allowed to eat anything until after they have sucked loads of blood out of me in the morning. I asked mum about this but she said it is a good little earner for the surgery so they like to do health MOT’s, as long as you’re not sick then they tend to avoid you. No one wants sick people hanging about in your local doctors or we will all end up sick. Anyway as I said I am not allowed cream cakes and chip butties until at least ten in the morning, just when I fancy a cream cake and a chip buttie or is it Butty I don’t know and all I’m allowed is water ….. YUK

Sooty the Cat has now gone walkabout in the wind, so hopefully he will be back soon he is not used to the wind howling in the trees and wild creatures howling at the wind. Both Sooty the Cat and Harry the Cat are due to get a cat flap soon, although the dog recons if they cant open a door like everyone else it is their own fault if they spend the night outside. He can see no reason why an animal domesticated thousands of years ago like cats has so many problems with a simple door handle. 

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Steven Spielberg, The Adventures of Tintin, Captain Haddock, The BT engineer and the slowest broadband connection on the moon

A BT engineer came today to look at the broadband and sort things out, but he said everything in the house was OK. He also said ours was the slowest broadband connection he had ever come across. Well that is not an ideal situation for someone writing an internet diary of his life is it. But a man in India plans to fix it, well when I say fix he was planning to sort of monitor it.

It appears broadband starts very slowly and speeds up over a period of several days in the UK and the man in India recons it is all to do with the fact it was dark and owls have been sitting on the lines eating cheeseburgers and stuff like that. Anyway the BT engineer in the house was muttering something about cans of worms and then ran off, and mum said something about BT and IDIOTS.

All I know is BT and a house full of boxes is making a right old mess of the potential block buster movie by that very nice Steven Spielberg, who I think has sort of coped out by making films about Tintin. Oooooooo yes Tintin does not have to deal with things in boxes and BT and he has a rubbish dog. OK it is better than Lassie but really. Here we are struggling against the tides of reality in order that the very nice Steven Spielberg can make a decent movie full of new conceptual visions from a multidimensional film script with a few spies and pirates plus the banshees in the woods and he does The bloody ******** Adventures of Tintin mum has told me off for swearing now.  

And Captain Haddock what sort of a name is that he is not even real unlike Captain Nessman of the High Seas who incidentally has returned after a short battle with a monster that attacked his ship. He is well and the monster is dead. However that Captain Haddock is still about in a cinema near you, me and the dog think it is all very fishy HA HA HAH HAH HAH HAH HA HAH HAH HAH HAHAHAHA Hah hahah hahahah hahahahahahaahahah ha ha ………… mum just said IDIOT again I blame BT………. (Bloody Tintin HA HA HAH hah hahha ha ha hhah hah hah hahhah hah ha ).

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

The Thesis on the Nature of Urban Society and why termites will eat Granny in the IKEA car park

Although today is/was Tuesday and I should have been at school I was allowed to go to IKEA. There were two reasons for this; the first was, as I explained to the headmaster a great opportunity to observe shoppers as part of my Thesis on the Nature of Urban Society, showing how the life of Social Insects can be reflected in the design and construction of large urban developments, in this case IKEA.
  
The second reason of course is mum is very scary, so the headmaster was happy to agree bearing in mind the dog, dad and the flame thrower were in the car staring at him through the window of his office. 

The reason for the trip to IKEA was to obtain bookshelves for all our stuff including a large number of books, plus a variety of other items such as lights. IKEA have a cunning plan that involves selling little trinkets round the shop so everyone goes Ooooooooo look its only two pounds and OOoooooo I might get one of them, so by the time you arrive at the checkout with three trolley loads of stuff you hadn’t planned on buying you are forced back in to buy even more shelves.  This is the nature of consumerism and the even expanding tentacles of capitalism. Which brings me back to my thesis on the nature of urban society and the relationship with the insect societies such as Ants, Termites, Bees, etc. Just walk round IKEA and you know just how an ant feels, channelled and controlled your every purchase controlled even when you think you are in control of you own destiny.

Anyway as a result of my note taking and observations and occasional tut tuting as mum and dad loaded stuff into the trolley, we made it out of the shop with only a few extra things, unlike some. Who we left scratching their heads, deciding if they should leave the new deluxe flat pack dressing table or granny in the car park. Again we can relate this too nature, after all you never see an old ant or termite they are abandoned outside to fend for themselves left in preference for a new flat pack food store for the winter.  It is also of interest to note the perversity of nature in the urban society, that then results in the abandoned grannies ending up being eaten by termites. The dog says it is the cycle of life, and it does help to keep the car park clear of decaying grannies

Interestingly insects are much better at coping in their own urban environment because they don’t need arrows on their corridors to tell them which way to go, unlike shoppers in IKEA who even with arrows still get it wrong.  

We now have a whole load of flat pack bookcases to assemble and the dog has for some reason brought back an abandoned granny which he says he brought back for tea. Although personally I would have thought she was a bit chewy for him HA HA AH HAH HAHAHH Hah hahah hah hahahah hahhahh hahah hah ha ha ha hahah hahah HA ……….. Mum just said IDIOT that’s a bit unfair on granny, she hasn’t said anything yet.

Monday, 21 November 2011

BT, Badger Poo, the Crow, the fault and the weird end to Lord of the Rings

As you now know the very nice man at BT sorted out the phone and broadband, but what no one told us was that our broadband would vanish without as much as a hello goodbye, so my diary came to a sudden stop as I found myself as the old saying goes, stuck between a rock and a hard drive. Luckily things have only progressed slowly. And you have been saved from many a tale of boxes.


I have been back to our old house, as myself and dad delivered some instructions that had in theory been left for the new owners. In the eagerness to pack they had been packed up in a box, sorry I mentioned boxes.

The old house looks very settled and they have already unpacked and painted a room and had friends over for dinner (they did not eat the friends the friends were over to share a meal). We are still in a state of mild random chaos but it is due to the amount of stuff, and working on a great cunning master plan which will transform our classic 70,s home into something unique and interesting full of strange and interesting things.

Heavy Harry the Cat and Sooty the Cat have been exploring and Sooty the Cat has now got into the habit of going anticlockwise round and round and round the house until we all throw apples at him to stop. The dog thinks cats are like goldfish and this is definitive proof as it takes the cat about 10 to 15 seconds to run round the house (the outside that is) and in that time he has forgotten everything. Which results in him doing it again and again and again etc much in the same way a goldfish swims round a bowl (the goldfish is in the bowl rather than on the outside by the way).

I am told that Badger poo and Fox poo is not nice and to avoid it as it really is yuk, I have been looking but no I have not found any yet.  

I am planning to dig a small hole in the garden because its there. Mum and dad say it is not there but they are wrong; a hole is just a place still full of stuff, in this case soil and once the soil has been removed from the hole it will be a hole. In fact it will be a whole hole HA HAH Hah hahah hah hahahah hhahah hahah hahhah hahah hahah …………… Mum just said IDIOT it has been a few days since she has told me that, but that’s BT’s fault (BT are famous for their faults). They told dad once there was a fault on the line but to tell the truth it looked like a crow to me, and mum insists that BT can’t tell the difference between a Crow and a fault anyway. The dog says the Crow has a smaller beak than a fault and goes squawk, where the Fault has a more CRACKLY sort of call, HA HAH HAH Hah hahahah hhah hah hah hahah hahahha hah hahh hah hah ……… Mum said IDIOT again.

I’m glad I’m back it would have been a weird end to book two, a bit like one of the Lord of the Rings films where it ends as they eat sandwiches while walking over a hill. Why did they do that; that’s not a proper end to a film is it? 

The return of Rob Z Tobor, just about anyway .......... Phew

As connections go this is a bit slow but the fact is I AM BACK ............ phew. Well the man from BT did say he would do something in due course, and so he did, he killed our internet. He said he would give us 24 hours notice too, and it is true he did, because 24 hours after doing it they sent us a message on the mobile phone. 


So I will bring you all up to date later with life and everything.


It is good to be back it was very dark for a while 

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

The curse of BT, the nice little old lady and a steam powered gizmo

It appears our telephone will be a few more days because despite the fact the nice little old lady who did live here, telling BT of her move (in fact she has done it three times now), BT can not change the number yet. It appears it is because the nice little old lady is in temporary accommodation, she does not have a official home and without an official home BT will not move her number.




BT say she needs a home so her contract can be associated to a new home and until she has a new home her contract remains with this house. Dad said this is a stupid ********* bureaucratic ********* load of ******* rubbish, even mum agrees, and even the nice little old lady agrees. But BT insist that if you have a BT landline contract then there must be a landline at the other end, well they say that be we don’t now because BT will not let us have the telephone line in our house, even though it is our house and the little old lady has said its now our house. So as things stand she is now paying for mum and dad to complain at BT. What really irritated mum and dad this morning was a letter from BT welcoming the new residents of the house to the house and have they considered a contract with BT. The man at BT said they have a different database for those letters and it has nothing to do with the phones so dad said AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggghhhHHHHH at the man from BT. Who said he will pass on his comment to the relevant department and they will be able to do something in due course, possibly in a week.

Harry the Cat and Sooty the Cat ate the last bit of my bacon and had the last of the rather yummy organic cream tonight and are now sat in front of an open fire getting warm. They of course have no interest in BT and so don’t care that the dog is banned from ordering home delivery pizza and chips with curry with extra chilli sauce plus Nan bread, ice cream and triple cheese burgers. The dog says he is starving to death and it is all very well us eating fresh leaks from the garden, but he is a dog and needs fresh BT engineer on the bone.

I think I may have found one of my jackets now, I saw an arm poking out from under a steam powered gizmo thing that dad recons we might need, as it can be connected to the wind film oscillating beam retractor he used to power the lightless light. I have never seen the point of a lightless light, but that is probably because it’s too dark HA HA HAHA hah hah hah hah ahhah hahah hahhah hah hhahah hah hahah ha mum said IDIOT. Not sure if that’s me or dad because of his lightless light, I think mum was hoping the lightless light would ne left behind along with the mighty Hammond Organ but no, the are both here and hissing, along with Heavy Harry the Cat.  


Monday, 14 November 2011

The Extra Terrestrial and the Cats litter trays

The cats had to spend the day on their own; what with school, work, spying, making a large mechanical whined up extra terrestrial and various stuff like that, so it was high risk. Not that they could escape unless they fancied climbing the chimney. But that would have involved cooperation so that was not going to happen. No it was would they use the litter tray. And Phew they did, sort of; I think we need bigger litter trays.

The Ghost Writer says our classic 1970’s bungalow is somewhat out of character after many many many years of rickety creaking houses that are or were full of secret tunnels and haunted vaults with rattling chains.  Although mum would shout IDIOT at the dog when he was down in the vaults rattling the chains and going WOOOOOOoooooooooo and stuff (he didn’t say the word stuff, I mean stuff as in other noises). Anyway the Ghost Writer is still coming to see us and want’s to know when we plan to start growing our own chip butties. I am not sure about that, when do you plant a chip butty plant?

I still can’t find half the things I packed but the one good thing about this is it forces us all to keep unpacking the boxes to find the things we do need. I am finding things I didn’t even know I needed until I found them and then think; OOoooooooooo I might need that, which must have been what I thought when I put it in the box in the first place, I think.

Dad still can’t find the flame thrower, so the postman is safe for the moment and mum has not found the armadillo toaster, so dad is safe for the moment although mum has made a chart and is keeping a record of possible armadillo throwing opportunities as and when the toaster is found.

It also appears there are loads of Squirrels in the wood and someone has been teaching them Tip Toe through the Tulips by Tiny Tim. No one is happy about that

Ooooooo by the way we got a very nice postcard from Mr Jenkins from next door, well ex-next door and it said HA HAH Hah hah hah hah hah ah hah ahh hah hahah hahh hah hahah h hahhah hah ahahahahah ……YOU HAVE GONE …….  HA HA HA HA Hah hah ahh ah hahahh hahah ahah ahah hahh ha ha ha ……………… Mum just said IDIOT

The large mechanical whined up extra terrestrial says GRET YTU UYY WYWYT Y I I II II UGG……. by the way.  

Sunday, 13 November 2011

The very nice Steven Spielberg and the fickleness of fame, two front doors and the body parts under the M6 motorway

It appears we have five backdoor keys, three patio door keys two front door keys, one front door two key and a Wood Pigeon in the pear tree HA HA HA Hah hah ah hah hah hah ahahah hahah hahahh OK mum said IDIOT.  As it happens there are also keys to things we can’t find yet (WELL COOL), one must assume they will involve treasure and adventure, which is a fair and logical assumption.

The cats arrived back this morning and are exploring and eating (mainly eating really), and are confined to the house until Wednesday morning in order that they have time to work out that home is home. The dog says it’s all down to the fact that cats can not read or speak Latin, or even use a simple navigational aid such as the sat-nav. I have to admit even Captain Flint the Parrot can use the sat-nav, although as he says they don’t always take you to the right place.

It appears the Great Captain Nessman of the High Seas have set off on another adventure on the high seas. He does this, a blink of the eye and off he goes it is what pirates do. All we can do is hope all is well and he will return soon

Ian the musical Hat Maker is recovering well from his knee operation, but what I want to know is when they replace your old knackered knees with new bionic knees what do they do with the old knees. According to Pirate Pete the Pirate and some of his mates who also have, bits missing they are all used as hardcore under the M6 which is why they are always repairing motorways. Burying the new batch of body parts. The so called spaghetti Junction was nicknamed as such, because it is full of bits of intestine, which ironically, are usually full of spaghetti (it also explains the shape…… as in the junction not the intestine). 

Right back to events here; you will have noticed I mentioned front door two, yes when you open the front door and come in you are met with another front door it even has a door bell, so in order to ring the door bell at the front door you need to open the other front door. Now you are all thinking WHAT, but it is quirky and as we all know quirky is good, in fact quirky is very good and should be the basis of life. I even try to write a quirky diary (now book two of the so far unpublished trilogy) on my quirky keyboard; sorry I mean qwerty keyboard HA HA HA HA HA Hah hah hah ah hhahah hahah haha hah hah hah, mum said IDIOT again. I think I need to find a quirky publisher, and I still haven’t heard from that very nice Steven Spielberg yet, really this fame and fortune lark is well fickle.




Sorry it is not the M6 but well they all look the same really

Saturday, 12 November 2011

The Unremarkable Pool of Muddy Water, homing cats and the lost Coco Pops

Saturday and I have spent the day in the garden exploring stuff. When I say stuff I refer to things in the garden and not the boxes from our old home which are full of stuff and on which was written STUFF in the end due to the general pressure of time; anyway, I am discussing the garden.

As you will all be aware right next to the house is the source of the fabled Minor Stream of Inconsequence, but today behind a hedge we found The Unremarkable Pool of Muddy Water. It was very exciting because it is where the black and white cows who live in the field like to come and drink, well sort of, bearing in mind it has rained all week and the last thing they wish to do is drink the intoxicating waters of The Unremarkable Pool of Muddy Water.

As it happens today was the first sunny day of our so far short stay at the new house (I say new but this is classic 1970’s bungalow) and as a result of the sun we had our first sunset. Mum and dad were well pleased it has been twenty eight years since they lived in a house where there was a sunset, as they have lived under the protective rocky hill on which Montgomery Castle was built in 1284 sometime in August about half past six I think although that may be entirely wrong, it may have been nearer eight HAHAHAHh hahah hah hahah hahahah hhah hahah hahahah hahhahah. Mum has just said IDIOT.

The nice little old lady who lived here was unable to prune trees, so some of them are a bit tall, so dad started to prune a couple near the house, He used explosives to sort of explode the tops off much to the amusement of the dog, but it did frighten next doors two pigs and mum called him an IDIOT too.

I also saw a small black cat that looks like Sooty the Cat and have discovered it is also called Sooty the Cat ………… AH. Well that will cheer up Harry the Cat who likes to beat up Sooty the Cat because there will be two Sooty the Cat’s now. Harry and Sooty will be back tomorrow morning to rejoin us (when I say rejoin I don’t mean they have to stick us together again, just that they will be home) but they have to stay inside for a few days to establish where home is. A bit like homing pigeons, only you cant race a homing cat  very well so it is not entirely the same as it happens and they don’t go COOOO more HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS (that’s the Cats not the Pigeons).

Mum and dad say I am not allowed visitors until they can find things like plates, knives and Coco Pops and various other important things or we will all look like IDIOTS, well I am used to that.

Friday, 11 November 2011

BT, China, The first Poodle to climb Mount Everest and the burning of the church menu

Not that much happened today as everyone is well spaced out and all in all confused. The nice little old lady who did live in this house appears to have not let BT know she has moved, so we can’t have a new telephone number. But as things stand she is paying our telephone bill. The dog has asked if he could phone a Poodle friend in China who he met once on Mount Everest.

The Poodle had unfortunately been packed as fresh meat as a treat to celebrate the successful climb of Everest in 1924 by some British blokes. But when they unpacked the Poodle at the top of Everest the little beast did a runner seeing how he was still fresh and bouncy bearing in mind he had been carried to the top of Mount Everest. The Poodle told the dog these two men chased him round and round the top of the mountain for ages trying to stab him with a pointy stick with a Union Jack flag on it. As it happened the men were well exhausted and ran out of steam and then a blizzard started and they vanished leaving the poodle trying to work out how to get home.

However as luck would have it (for the poodle anyway) the dog was passing and dogs being dogs they had a chat and chewed a few bones, well a stick as it happens, as there was just the one with the flag attached to it.  The pair of them were then wandering down the mountain when they bumped into the two men, who on seeing the dog thought he was a Yeti, well he is huge with red eyes and big pointy teeth. So they ran off in the wrong direction again, despite the dog offering to help (why he did that in Latin is anyone’s guess, I think he thought if they were up there they must know Latin). Since then the Poodle and the dog have been friends although the Poodle decided to go to China as he was worried that a return to Britain might see him on someone’s dinner plate.  

Therefore the dog does like to phone the Poodle on the odd occasion to talk about old times and he thought, if a nice little old lady was going to pay, mum would be OK and let him use the phone. Mum has said NO and also added IDIOT.

One small and annoying thing about the timing of this move to a new house has been the fact the weather is rubbish. Dad even got us all a Chinese Takeaway on the way home to remind us of the Poodle and cheer us up, but it was rubbish too (the takeaway not the Poodle) although it did come from the Church, and not the Castle. And as mum said the Castle makes better Chinese than the Church, and has burnt the church menu ……….. It’s what all good Goths do I guess…

Thursday, 10 November 2011

Chaos Theory, The laws of Reasoned Logic and the Room of Doom

I HAVE RETURNED……. Yes I am back just……. We are living in one of those sliding block puzzles where in order to get something, assuming anyone knows where it is; we need to move boxes. Yes I’m afraid it’s true the story is still full of boxes, much like the house. The only good thing is there is no pressure of emptying them………… Sort of?

I say sort of, because there is loads of good stuff in the boxes and we need it, I cant entirely remember exactly what it is that is in them, but it was all good stuff before it went in a box, so it must still be good stuff. 

Sadly we have lost the Pit of Doom and the Grumbling Child, but for now we have gained The Room of Doom where stuff goes when no one can remember where it should go, or the place it should go is still full of boxes with stuff in. I did say that it was a bit chaotic but the dog says that if he does the mathematics to see if it really is chaos, then it is not; as Chaos Theory would not lead to a logical outcome and according to the dog in five years time the new house will comply with The laws of Reasoned Logic (five years ……….AH). Mum says the dog is being pessimistic because it can’t find the box with the bones in.

We seem to be surrounded by twenty thousand Pheasants, loads of Chickens, a couple of Pigs. Cows, Sheep, and even a load of Ducks flew over earlier tonight, much to the amusement of the dog who shouted DUCK….. I did but mum said IDIOT.

So far the house has had mixed reaction as it does resemble the classic 70’s bungalow, but it is something of a maze and I have got lost a couple of times now. Anyway it will change in time, into something a little more interesting.  

Heavy Harry the Cat and Sooty the Cat are on holiday in kennels in order to ensure they don’t do a runner as cats are fickle beasts at the best on times and some things they just don’t like. This includes moving house, they do need to know the sofa is not about to change rooms again or else they say O  ******** NO, I'M OFF.

Anyway is good to be back ………………  

Monday, 7 November 2011

The Angel of the Norse In the Window of Napoleon Beelzebub's Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop

Ok this is it the last diary entry in the old house. An opportunity to put a few pictures of the Angel of the Norse on the Blog before I vanish deep into cyberspace to re-emerge elsewhere. I HOPE ................ Mr Beelzebub finally gave me six out of ten and said it needed larger horns....







You can't have too many Fairy Lights

Friday, 4 November 2011

A small break. see you all in a few days,takecare and be good

Sorry but I will be back in a few days to reveal all. It is just busy and so the diary is on hold as I can not do it justice. I know that the broadband connection is not as good where we are going but I should still be able to communicate. So there will be a small break in transmission, be good see you all soon. XX  

Thursday, 3 November 2011

Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop

We are still very busy, up to our eyes with house things and sorting out the great Christmas Preview at Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop, which is now within a Neil Armstrong of becoming a giant lead for a traditional Christmas shopping experience, without all the hype, hard sell and plastic of the those huge shopping complexes.

Anyway as Captain Kirk once said to boldly yo ho go where no one has yo ho gone before. That’s it again for tonight I am well knackered. Mum has just told me off now for not using better phraseology.  

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Defeated by 24 hours and a cup of tea and Ginger Cake

 I have warned you all a point would come when, what I can do in the allotted 24 hours of a day would finally defeat me, even with an Einstein Cube. Today is that day. I am out of energy, so I will away to eat Ginger Cake and drink Tea.

Just to let the world know, Mr Ian the Musical Hat Maker is now back home. So get well soon Mr Ian, I hope the new knee is as good as the other new knee otherwise its circles for you.

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

The Exploded Goat and a Grand Moroccan Patio

We (well mum and dad really) moved some garden stuff to the new house today; although only after school, because the headmaster says to mess about is not allowed. Well that’s not fair we all mess about at school loads and no one minds (much), not even when Esmeralda exploded the goat in assembly, after it ate her sandwiches. I think at the time the headmaster was more concerned about the fact a goat was roaming the corridors of the school.

OK back to the diary, a few things have been moved, it is only a few but it’s a start. Miss Issy who was helping move stuff to the new bungalow said ……. AH, when she saw it, but did eat a wide selection of apples, and thought the garden was lovely. Mum and dad say everyone is going to say ……… AH when they see it first, because it is yet to be transformed into in wondrous magical building with a Grand Moroccan Patio. And of course there is the fabled Minor Stream of Inconsequence the source of which is just next to the house and runs down through the thin ribbon of wood into the main wood, this is excellent and will allow continuity in the diary.

We did not see any pigs or a horse today or even hear the chickens but we did see about twenty thousand Pheasants or something like that wandering about in the field next to the house. And far in the distance semi-hidden by the trees in the wood dad was convinced he saw a pirate flag, although no one else saw it and mum thinks he is away with the fairies.

Because it was (is) Tuesday Miss Fionaski was visiting this morning helping mum pack up the secret short wave radio and code breaking equipment and all that other electronic stuff she has to communication with the various secret services. But as mum says I am not allowed to mention that because it is a secret ……….. AH. Mum was about to throw the Armadillo toaster at me but luckily it is in a box and she can’t find it…….. HA HA HA HA HAH Hah hahaha hah ah hahh hahah ha ooooooooowwwwwwwwwwWWWW I have been hit with a box.

OK that’s it for tonight, although I feel I do need to warn you all that at some point in the next couple of days I may vanish on the odd occasion due to the shear volume of things going on and pressure on my time. It would be lovely to be able to write everything down and reveal  all, but sadly it would only result in us all going mad and, well, just think what the diary would be like then if written by a madman…….. HAH AHHAH HHAh hah hah hah hah hhahahahah hhahahahahhah ha hah ha ha …… Yes mum has just said IDIOT






Now you might be thinking WHY is this song here .... Well only because it is a very coooooool song