Wednesday, 26 April 2017

Poetry for Witches

Ooooooo Where are we . . . What . . . Who

Are we there yet DAD

Witches Witches Everywhere
Over here
And over there
Under beds
Without a care
Waving wands
To try and scare
Witches Witches on Witches brooms
Fly about in darkened rooms
Black cats watching as they play
As the Witches
Fly past . . . . . All night and day
Cauldrons bubble on the fire
As the Witches
Make the spells they desire
Turning princes
Into big green frogs
With eye of newt
And tail of dog
Grumbling other folk say they're very bad
Have a warty nose
And might be mad
So sometimes Witches just for spite
Turn the milkman’s milk very pink instead of white
Or tell small children
They are very nice
Before turning them
Into tiny mice
Which the black cat will then Promptly eat
Because as we know
Cats like a bit of furry meat
And so it seems
We have reached the Time
When Witches
Have decided to end . . . . . .  This Rhyme
And some would say


Just fine

With one more short and poetic line . . . . . such as


Tuesday, 25 April 2017

The Vampire and the Vole

Well V means its time to repeat on old favourite of mine . . . . Yes I know what you are saying, but I do like this post it always amuses me and I wrote it. . . Well my hands did I still dont know where my hands got the idea from but that is hands for you.


“VHAT do you VANT” said the VAMPIRE to the VOLE.

“What”? Said VICTOR the VOLE.

“For a start off those are not V words” said VICTOR.

VICTOR the VOLE was very good at words and knew all his VERBS and VOWELS.
The VAMPIRE was very displeased because he was being criticized by a little VOLE and he shouted “I VILL bite VOU and VURN VOU into a VOMBIE, VES a VILE VITTLE VOMBIE”.

“A VOMBIE “ said the VOLE “surely you mean a Zombie”.

“VOMBIE VOMBIE VATS VHOT I VED” said the VAMPIRE, who was VERY angry; so angry he bit VICTOR the VOLE on the neck.


And VICTOR the VOLE said “I suppose you VINK that’s VUNNY”.

And they both laughed hysterically as a cow jumped over the VOON.


Monday, 24 April 2017

The Undead, Vampires and a gang of Unscrupulous Little Old Ladies

Right today for the letter U I have unearthed my post from March 2012 and my first practice run. And as I said once before about doing a practice run, it is fine but then U then have to come up with a whole new post a few weeks later. Not so easy with U and the real U of 2012 was not as good as the practice U, O well that is what happens at times we make great master plans only to see then become Undone by the unexpected. 

OK enough of this time for my 2012 diary entry and my very first ever attempt at the letter U from March 2012. 

The Undead, Vampires and a gang of 
Unscrupulous Little Old Ladies

We have reached U and U know what that means I can use U instead of U (as in U and not me)……. Mum just said IDIOT, but I am not sure if she means me or U ……..Ah; it’s me not U apparently.

Today as I mentioned yesterday is the day of the UNDEAD . . . WELL COOL so we all went to school covered in white wash and Self Raising Flour, the UNDEAD like self-raising flour it helps them get out of their graves HAH AH HHAH HAH HAH HAH hah ah h hha hah hah hhahh ahah ha……. Mum said IDIOT again now.

On the school bus we all were going UUUUUGHHH or is it UUUUUUAAAAAGGHHH at UNSUSPECTING UNDERGRADUATES from the rather UTILITARIAN looking UNIVERSITY (which I have just made up in order to USE more U’s), and some UNEMPLOYED UNION members who took UMBRAGE and threw UMBRELLA’S in an UNADVISABLE UNCONTROLLED manner.  

When we got off the bus all seemed UNEVENTFUL UNTIL a gang of UNSCRUPULOUS little old ladies screamed at US saying IT’S THE UNBELIEVERS, THE UNSEEN, UNKEMPT UNDERCLASS’S KNOWN THROUGHOUT THE UNIVERSE AS VAMPIRES.  What Vampires we are not Vampires UNTIL tomorrow, we did shout WE ARE THE UNDEAD NOT VAMPIRES but the little old ladies kept Shouting VAMPIRES, VAMPIRES, KILL THE VAMPIRES. UNNA from class UU17 said they were UNHINGED (the little old ladies not the UNDEAD) and they were ruining the letter U UNNECESSARILY. To which the little old ladies shouted KILL THE VAMPIRES. I can’t help but think when we turn up as Vampires tomorrow U will not see a single little old lady to shout KILL THE VAMPIRE. I just wish they had not thrown their UNDERWEAR at US, that was UTTERLY UNMENTIONABLE (Ah I just did) and rather UNFORTUNATE.   

So after a then UNINSPIRING day in school where Esmeralda was hitting a lump of URANIUM with a hammer to see if it would blow UP and the Cricket UMPIRE pointed out that URSA Major was in the UPPER Quarter which will lead to UTTERANCES in the UNDERGROWTH by the UNDERTAKER (I did not UNDERSTAND a word myself). I UNSURPRISINGLY headed home to the fading shouts of KILL THE VAMPIRES. I think I did hear one little old lady shout KILL THE UMPIRE when her grandson was given LBW (Leg Before Wicket for those of U reading in the USA)

The Carpet is all finished now, a job well done although the dog ate the UNDERLAY and some of the fitters UTENSILS, but the dog is UNCONCERNED…… As U will have guessed by now some of my Diary is UNTRUE, UNLESS it is; although that’s more UNLIKELY.

Oooo Roast UNICORN for tea YUM, and I must try and fang (sorry find) my Vampire teeth for tomorrow.

 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

OOOOOOoooooooo by the way if you have commented and I have not responded yet I will it is a time thing at present . . . . . . sorry about that 

Sunday, 23 April 2017

T is for Terrible Poetry. . . .

Well here we are again as I stumble towards Z is a confused and quietly unremarkable way. Still I will say that one good thing is that the arrival of the A to Z has had me think I must try and write a few new posts for the blog. But then all that making stuff including a somewhat odd summerhouse for the Shed of the Year competition means I am still very busy. I have already missed the entry closing date for this year, that is sometime in May but I will never be finished in time. I still have two towers to make and the interior to insulate and board out and then I need to paint it all both in and out.  

 Todays letter is T and so I have decided that T stands for terrible poetry, if there is one thing I am good at it is Totally Terrible Poetry so here is some for you to enjoy . . . or Not 

Terrible Poetry

I made myself a Viking mate
Out of branches and some planks of wood
He had a Viking helmet with horns and stuff
And looked really really really good
Then at night I left him outside the gates
Of a delivery company called Parcel Force
But in the morning he was gone
Because my wooden mate
As I'm sure you have guessed

Was a Trojan Norse

Which is why he’s gone of course

Like the horse

More Terrible poetry

I have not thought of any poetry TODAY
So I will have to try and amuse folk
In some other WAY
Like telling how I confused a chicken with a CANNONBALL
Which I bounced at it along the HALL
Or how I skied up a very steep HILL
Using jet powered skis
Made with my trusty
Electric DRILL
You see I am rather good at making STUFF
Although folk laugh and point
Because they say it is
Wonky and incredibly ROUGH
But when I'm wealthy
With my name in Bright LIGHTS
And have a posh dog that
Growls and BITES
Folk will not laugh at me THEN
As Fang the dog eats their HEN
I think it’s the one I threw the cannonball AT
The cannonball that accidently
Squashed the CAT
Yes OK squashing cats is a
Bad thing to DO
But then so is Flushing a tortoise
Down the LOO
No, no I didn’t do that
That was JIM
He says Tortoises are
A bit GRIM
And Now I appear to have lost the PLOT
As this poetry has things in it
It should NOT
So I better go as its getting DARK
And it is time to chase Owls about
In the PARK

And put Slugs in the JELLY
Its OK they are still alive I’m not that nasty

Please Note . . . . .
No animals were hurt in the writing of this Poetry
But I have finished Now SO

HAH HAH HAH HAH HA ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah ah ha ha ha hah ah ah ha ha ha hah ah a ah ah ha hah ah ah hahha ha hha ha haha hah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah ah ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Time to GO

Terrible Poetry that is more terrible than the previous 
Terrible Poetry 

The pitter patter of tiny FEET
Upon the cold, dark and wet scary STREET
Might be a Witch or a ZOM . . .BEEEEEE
Or the invisible man; who you never SEE
Or it might be a Werewolf who will loudly HOWL
Or something scarier on the PROWL
Or a Mummy from an Egyptian TOMB
Or the Great Winged Dragon of Ultimate DOOM
Or a tiny Goblin with a pointy KNIFE
Or that Count Dracula’s demonic bloodthirsty WIFE
Or it might be a Cat that is ten feet TALL
Or a Banshee with its terrible CALL
Or Uncle Jim drunk staggering home
Or a homemade monster made with bits of spare flesh and bone
Or a Ghost wearing steel toecap BOOTS
Or a Triffid scurrying on its horrible ROOTS
Or the Sandman carrying a Gladstone BAG
Or Rumblestilskin or a Psychotic HAG
Or a mad Goat that has eaten too much TOAST
Or the Haunted Hog that was once a ROAST
But one things for sure as you increase your PACE
Its cold clammy hand
Will wrap round your FACE
And its Vampire’s teeth will bite your NECK
If you try to turn just to CHECK
Surely you can’t be the victim of such an evil CURSE
Although it could be